Sunday, February 28, 2010
This weekend consisted of me constantly pushing on them to make sure they were still as sore as the last time, and pinching my nipples (which also hurt like hell). But now these twinges are really messing with head, and I just have no idea how I'm going to make it to Wednesday for my beta. Which I know I'll make it to because I'm on progesterone, which delayed my period last month, and I'm technically going in a day or two early because I leave for Florida that night.
So 3 more days, and we'll know. And not only will I know if I'm preggers or not, but whether I will start my journey down the IVF road. Ahhhh, that thought is still very overwhelming right now. But thank you so much for your super kind comments on my last post, your support means more than you know!!
Friday, February 26, 2010
Anyways, he started going through each cycle discussing the follicles and their sizes, lining (did you know your lining could be too thick, which mine apparently was one cycle), progesterone, etc. He then moved on to my current injectible cycle, and started explaining how I actually responded to fast to the 50 IUs. To remind you I had a 18, 17, 16, 15, 12.5 & 11...all on day 8, after 4 days of shots!!! Can I please have the gold medal in follie growth, sheesh. So turns out the reason we had to trigger on cd8 was because he didn't want to risk the smaller two maturing, in which case he would have canceled my cycle. Thank you Dr. C for that, cause I would have been pretty frickin upset if that had happened.
He then proceeded to tell me that injectibles were too risky for me, since 50 is the lowest dosage. Umm, starting to panic...please don't put me back on clo.mid. But instead to my shock he said it was time for IVF. WHOA...this is serious, I mean really serious!! And yes, mentally I was preparing for IVF and maybe even looked forward to those crazy awesome success rates...BUT, until you're looking it straight in the face you don't quite understand the implications of going down the IVF road. I asked hubby what he thought, and he voiced my same concern...IVF is pretty much the last option on the IF road, so what happens if it doesn't work. Sure the Dr. can tell you you have a 50/50 chance, but he can't guarantee anything. That is a very scary thought, and if I think about that long enough I can send myself into extreme panic mode.
So he gave us the IVF packet, told us not to even open it until I get my pregnancy results next Wednesday, and if its bad news call to fill my birth control prescription and schedule my IVF consult with him. I mean, holy shit...talk about upping the anty. Like not only do I want to be preggers so badly, but now it could save me from going down the IVF road. Especially on the cycle where everything is coming back low, sperm count, progesterone was only 11 (which dr. claims is because we triggered so early)...still I've learned my lesson and started using the supps. And I know I said after the IUI that I was going to be realistic this cycle, but I can't help it...my hopes are sky high. And my body is seriously not helping with that, phantom symptoms galore!!!
In any case, in a few days we'll know and I'll have some clarity which I think we'll make going down the IVF road a little easier. Right now I just keep going back and forth between these crazy extremes in my head, obviously the IVF road, and then the omg what if I"m preggers with quads right now (hah, I said extreme didn't I). So I'm going to enjoy this little bubble of hope because I'll be entering my dark place in a couple of days and all hope will be shredded. And IF this cycle is a bust, and IVF is where we're headed than I'll just have to deal with it. No sense in pouting and saying why me why me, I'm a strong girl and I will do whatever it takes! Lots of people do IVF and survive, AND huge bonus...get bfp's, right? In the last couple weeks it worked for both Shanny & Wishing4One, huge congrats to you ladies!! So why not me?
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
I've been meaning to send a huge thanks to Ashley at Fortheloveofshoesandababy2 for giving me the blogger BFF award. She's currently in the middle of her first IVF cycle, so check out her blog and send her some love for her upcoming retrieval!
Monday, February 22, 2010
So speaking of new bloggie friends I realize I never posted about my Chicago bloggies dinner! I was so lucky to meet Egg at suchagoodegg, Al at mission: motherhood, Erin at thestateiamin, and A at aplusbwaitingforc! I have to admit, the first time I read that Al & A had met up for drinks I was totally secretly jealous. But also realized I had just recently started my blog and maybe down the road I would be lucky enough to meet a fellow blogger! Well, literally that day A sent the email to organize a Chicago get together and I was beyond psyched!!
I can't tell you how amazing it was to meet these girls, they are funny, sincere, honest, beautiful, intelligent...really I could just go on and on. But the most important thing to me was the instant bond I felt with each and every one of them. To meet women that completely understood exactly what I was going through, was just amazing. So often with IF I feel isolated, like I'm living a double life that some of my closest friends don't even know about. But in the blog world it's all fair game, I share things with you guys I wouldn't ever admit IRL. But at this dinner, everyone just understood. And after that dinner I had never been happier about starting my blog!
And when I did start my blog, it was really just to have a place to vent my IF frustrations. But now it has become so much more, in a way I could have never imagined! I totally wish I could meet each and every one of you! How cool would it be if we could organize a huge blogger conference?!? Hah, could you imagine trying to work that into all our ttc schedules!! But even if we can't meet IRL, know that having you in my bloggie world is so important, your comments and feedback literally make my day, and I feel lucky to have met each and every one of you!!!
Friday, February 19, 2010
So I arrived at the office and my form was there waiting for me, I was feeling super positive until the nurse dropped the bomb. Hubby's numbers were on the low side, 25 million with 66% motile so 16 million post-wash (I looked up some chart online and this gives us a 9% success rate). Cue the crying, and asking the nurse a million times how this could be? Normally hubby's first day is in the 90's, and this isn't something I have to worry about...so I was just completely shocked. All my hopes that this was SO going to be my month flew right out the door. And yes, the nurse reminded me I only need one, and how she's seen samples as low as 4 million produce twins. But seeing how far we've trekked down this IF road, its almost impossible to believe that I'll somehow be that miracle girl, the girl the nurses tell other IFers about when they're crying about their low numbers. I just don't think we're gonna get out of this that easy.
And to top things off last night my poor baby Bella jumped off the couch and started limping. To catch you up back in November Bella tore her ACL and had to have surgery. It was probably the worst thing in the world, I would post the pic of her post-surgery knee if it wasn't so gruesome. She had about 20 staples holding her shaved leg together. She cried straight for 3 days because of the pain patch, and for a month we had to carry her everywhere, make sure she didn't lick, jump, play with Beau, had a note asking people not to ring the doorbell, it was exhausting to the say the least. Not to mention expensive, like a cycle of injectibles expensive!! So last night we notice her limping on the other back leg, omg cue the hysterics...again (yes my eyes are super puffy today) The thought of going through that again, on top of everything else...I just can't. This morning she looked better, so we're hoping she was just stiff, or jumped funny but didn't tear anything.
Then this morning we headed back for IUI part two, and as expected the numbers decreased. I think 14 million and similar motility. At least this time I was prepared, so there were no tears. And hubby was there with me to hold my hand. I had a different nurse who again assured me she's seen pregnancies result from lower samples than ours. So now we wait, and as much as I hate myself for saying this...I'm going to be very cautious about getting my hopes up this cycle. I want to believe, I want to hope for the best...I really really do. But I also feel emotionally drained, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of cycling, I'm tried of worrying...and in this fragile state I find the need to protect myself from more heartache. I will continue to hope and pray, but I also need to be realistic.
I'm so sorry for the downer post, I really am, I hate being such a debs. So I'll try to end this with some tiny bit of positivity. Before my IUI I was thinking about how this is my 4th IF cycle, and how the first time I got pregnant it was on my 4th cycle of naturally trying. Also, it's February so even number...you know I like that. I have my consult with Dr. S next Wednesday on the 24th, and I'm very interested to hear what he has to say. And I'm going to schedule my blood test for the following Wednesday, the day I leave for Florida (Fort Myers). So if it's good news, I'll be celebrating in sunny FL. And if it's bad news, I'll be taking serious advantage of those two for one happy hour specials. And will probably be doing some pretty hard core day drinking poolside, yah so basically I plan to be drunk for 5 days straight. I swear I'm not an alcoholic...pretty much that means 1 bloody mary and I'll be passed out in my chair, I'm a lightweight as is and the tww has only lessened my tolerance so luckily it doesn't take much for me!
So that's my plan, and we'll see how things play out! And I promise my next post will be something fun and not so debbish, maybe I'll post pics from NYC so you can get a sneak preview of fall fashion!!!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
I kinda thought I'd go one more day, but I guess it makes sense since the follies still have today and probably some of tomorrow before they bust. I think I've read online that the follies don't need to get as big on injectibles as they do with clo.mid...or did I totally make that up? In any case I'm pumped, and am feeling super optimistic about this cycle. We'll see how long that lasts, but for now I'm going to enjoy this feeling of everything going super well! Here we go again!!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Right now I'm sitting in the airport in NYC waiting for my 7:00 flight. We've already been told it's not taking off until 9:45pm. I'm on standby (with about 50 other people) for the 5:00pm flight which is taking off at 7:45pm. Hubby had scheduled to take an earlier flight so he could make it home for his grad school test tonight...so I'm ALL alone. I've been here for 2 hours already, am bored out of my mind so why not blog about it, right?
Freak Out List
- What if my plane doesn't get out tonight?
- What if I have to give myself my shot tonight, in a airport bathroom no less?
- Where the hell do you sleep in an airport?
- My I.phone is almost dead and hubby took the charger. If I do get on this plane I'm not going to be able to read Breaking Dawn on my I.phone Kind.le...dam it.
- I seriously can feel my ovaries, is that from the injections? Which by the way I'm loving, piece of cake as long as I don't have to do them, and I ice until I can not feel my skin!
- I just went to the bathroom and had some high school style ewcm (Chicago bloggies you know what I'm talking about). It's cd 7 (wtf) and makes me very curious how my follies are doing, will find out at my ultrasound tomorrow...assuming I get out of here.
- Will I be too tired to watch Lost tonight when I get home, IF I get home...who am I kidding, the answer here is HELL NO...there is always time for Lost.
Phew, so you can see I'm on the edge of an enormous freak out, but haven't jumped quite yet...learned my lesson!! Crap, my flight just got bumped back again to 10:15! I swear there is some rule about how long flight crews can work in a day, and these bump backs are making me VERY nervous. Wish me luck girls and tomorrow I'm planning a major day of blog catch up!!!
Friday, February 12, 2010
I mean it's bad enough that I'm going on 14 months of ttc, I think I deserve the chance to try EVERY month, and to retain that little bit of hope that this could be my month, only to have it crushed at the END of the month with a bfn vs. right as we're getting started? Give a girl a break, I want to frickin start stabbing my stomach with my cool new follitism pen...is that SO much to ask?!? I know I know, I need to calm down...I'm being such a brat about this, and they could still call and say it's not even producing estrogen. It's just when I told her how big this was, the nurse just gave me this look...the look that said "oh girl, I'm so going to be calling you later with bad news, and you're so going to go all crazy on me...yet again."
I'm so sorry to be all doom and gloom, but I just needed to vent! All I wanted was a little bit of good news, especially coming off the chemical...I just want the chance to cycle and get one to stick. But instead I have to spend yet another day (and possibly month) anxiously waiting for the call, that's bound to be bad news.
Okay then, well I've had my pity party and time to start thinking positive (yah right, the only thing I'm positive about is getting bad news today)...whoops, okay starting now. But I've survived far worse, so a few weeks on birth control will hardly kill me, if it even comes to that. Geez, so frickin dramatic...and I'm not even on any drugs I can blame it on. Dang it! Okay, positive thinking, positive thinking...I'm going to my zen place now. Will update this afternoon with the verdict.
I have to retract my tantrum above, my nurse called yesterday afternoon and said I have a friendly cyst (not estrogen producing) so I can cycle...hip hip!!! Obviously prematurely freaked out here, should have just waited for the call. Live and learn I guess!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
But I thought to myself these are all things I don't know and more importantly can't control, so in there very uncertain world of IF...why not focus on the things I do know. I know I can get pregnant. And while being unexplained comes with a frustration of its own, I do know that nothing is really wrong with us. I know I respond well to drugs. I know that we're timing things correctly, and hubby's guys are finding my eggs, and I'm assuming fertilizing my eggs. I know that financially we have the means to keep going, even if it comes to IVF. I know that every month my family, friends, bloggers and people I don't even know are thinking and hoping for me. I know that I will not give up until I get a BFP. I know that all I can do in this moment, is wait for a new cycle to begin...and continue to hope for the best.
I'm really trying to flush out the what if questions from my mind this month (starting now), and focus and that very positive list of things we know we've got going for us. And on top of that we head to NYC on Sunday for my fall '10 buying trip for my website. So we'll actually be in NYC for V-day which is very fun. And then two days of showroom appts, viewing the fall collections. So much more fun that my day job! And we never did get around to booking that Mexico trip, let's face facts...IF makes it almost impossible to travel. The first two weeks there are two many appts to be gone, and do I really want to drink virgin margaritas and worry about lounging in a hot tub during the second two? But we did book a trip to Florida the beginning of March. My parents rent a house for a month, so hubby and I are heading down for a long weekend, to relax, golf, and try to de-thaw from Chicago winter!
In other positive news I want to send a HUGE congrats to Erin at thestateiamin who got her BFP on Friday! Check out her way too cute "omg I'm freaking cause I got a bfp" video. My goal is to follow in her now pregnant footsteps and get my BFP on IUI#4 with injections!!! So happy for you Erin!!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Thank you so much for the prayers, thoughts, and good vibes...I literally felt them coming through my computer and it so helped keep my spirits up!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
So here I am again at 10dpo...and I'm trying so hard to remain positive, but I can feel myself slipping. What is it about 10dpo, it feels like I'm being slammed against a wall or something. I want to believe this is my month, I want to keep the hope alive...but I feel like my body is doing everything possible to shatter my hopes. And while I'm trying my best not to over analyze these things, its impossible to ignore them completely, and its impossible to keep the thoughts that follow out of my head. The questions like can I handle another BFN, am I strong enough to keep going, am I really on the verge of injectibles, and how did we even get here?
It's weird in some ways it feels like the last year was a blur, but then I think of everything we went through and how in one year SO much has changed for us. However, I do believe the worst is behind us...sure sure, injectibles do not sound like fun, and we all know IVF is NO walk in the park. And although we don't technically don't have an answer as to why this is happening, we do have a plan that I believe will get us pregnant. Every cycle we're getting a month closer to that BFP, and there will be a light at the end of this very dark and overly long tunnel. I just know there is.
In other news I started taking progesterone supplements last night. My progesterone on Friday came back at 13.1 (my lowest to date), and my nurse told me they like 15 but anything over 10 is okay, so come back in a week for my beta. Well, my first month I was at 18, and she told me they like it to be above 15. So doesn't it seem like she's bending the rules here? If you told me 15 is where you want it to be, then why this month is 10 okay? When I pushed my nurse on this she told me my Dr. didn't believe in progesterone supplements until a positive beta.
Over the weekend this just wasn't sitting well with me, so I called back yesterday and asked for the supps. She said that was no problem and they certainly couldn't hurt anything, but may delay the start of my next cycle. I'm thinking, hello lady...let's focus on the big picture here. I've been dealing with this for over a year...you really think two days is going to burst my bubble?!? And how about we focus on how they will help me get a bfp instead of how they'll effect my next af. Geez!!! So that's all I got, three more days and I'll know!