Friday, February 19, 2010

Things Were Going So Well...

This cycle has been such a roller coaster ride, and I am just spent. From the almost cyst breakdown to the on top of the world ultrasound all in the matter of 5 days, and apparently this ride ain't stopping anytime soon. Up and down up and down we go...and I just want to frickin get off!! I went for my IUI yesterday at my lunch break. Normally I hate to go during lunch because it takes about two hours, from start to finish and I'm so nervous sneaking back into work after. But this time hubby and I came up with the brilliant plan that he would go and do "his experiment" as he likes to call his part of the IUI, and then I would go an hour later for the actual IUI. We usually wait it out together, but he had a lunch meeting and such is life.

So I arrived at the office and my form was there waiting for me, I was feeling super positive until the nurse dropped the bomb. Hubby's numbers were on the low side, 25 million with 66% motile so 16 million post-wash (I looked up some chart online and this gives us a 9% success rate). Cue the crying, and asking the nurse a million times how this could be? Normally hubby's first day is in the 90's, and this isn't something I have to worry I was just completely shocked. All my hopes that this was SO going to be my month flew right out the door. And yes, the nurse reminded me I only need one, and how she's seen samples as low as 4 million produce twins. But seeing how far we've trekked down this IF road, its almost impossible to believe that I'll somehow be that miracle girl, the girl the nurses tell other IFers about when they're crying about their low numbers. I just don't think we're gonna get out of this that easy.

And to top things off last night my poor baby Bella jumped off the couch and started limping. To catch you up back in November Bella tore her ACL and had to have surgery. It was probably the worst thing in the world, I would post the pic of her post-surgery knee if it wasn't so gruesome. She had about 20 staples holding her shaved leg together. She cried straight for 3 days because of the pain patch, and for a month we had to carry her everywhere, make sure she didn't lick, jump, play with Beau, had a note asking people not to ring the doorbell, it was exhausting to the say the least. Not to mention expensive, like a cycle of injectibles expensive!! So last night we notice her limping on the other back leg, omg cue the hysterics...again (yes my eyes are super puffy today) The thought of going through that again, on top of everything else...I just can't. This morning she looked better, so we're hoping she was just stiff, or jumped funny but didn't tear anything.

Then this morning we headed back for IUI part two, and as expected the numbers decreased. I think 14 million and similar motility. At least this time I was prepared, so there were no tears. And hubby was there with me to hold my hand. I had a different nurse who again assured me she's seen pregnancies result from lower samples than ours. So now we wait, and as much as I hate myself for saying this...I'm going to be very cautious about getting my hopes up this cycle. I want to believe, I want to hope for the best...I really really do. But I also feel emotionally drained, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of cycling, I'm tried of worrying...and in this fragile state I find the need to protect myself from more heartache. I will continue to hope and pray, but I also need to be realistic.

I'm so sorry for the downer post, I really am, I hate being such a debs. So I'll try to end this with some tiny bit of positivity. Before my IUI I was thinking about how this is my 4th IF cycle, and how the first time I got pregnant it was on my 4th cycle of naturally trying. Also, it's February so even know I like that. I have my consult with Dr. S next Wednesday on the 24th, and I'm very interested to hear what he has to say. And I'm going to schedule my blood test for the following Wednesday, the day I leave for Florida (Fort Myers). So if it's good news, I'll be celebrating in sunny FL. And if it's bad news, I'll be taking serious advantage of those two for one happy hour specials. And will probably be doing some pretty hard core day drinking poolside, yah so basically I plan to be drunk for 5 days straight. I swear I'm not an alcoholic...pretty much that means 1 bloody mary and I'll be passed out in my chair, I'm a lightweight as is and the tww has only lessened my tolerance so luckily it doesn't take much for me!

So that's my plan, and we'll see how things play out! And I promise my next post will be something fun and not so debbish, maybe I'll post pics from NYC so you can get a sneak preview of fall fashion!!!


A said...

I'm so sorry about the sample numbers- but your nurse is right- only takes ONE (or two, haha)!!! Will be praying that a little swimmer meets up with one of your eggies! Have a nice trip!!!

Anonymous said...

I think it's natural to want to protect yourself from hoping. It's a defense mechanism. But I will hope for you, hope you don't mind. :)

While those numbers aren't A+++, they are totally and completely passable! Think of all of those millions of swimmers hunting down the fabulous eggies you released. They can find each other, I just know it! Just take it day by day.

PS That trip to FL on the horizon sounds freaking awseome. Get me out of February in Chicago, NOW! :)

Crossed Fingers said...

You can remain reserved about this cycle - I will be the hopeful one for you. I will cross my fingers and hold my breath and count down the days until testing.

I know you don't want to believe you'll be that lucky but someone has to be right? I always figure "I probably won't win the lottery but I won't win if I don't play right?"

I do hope this IUI works for you and you're correct with the 4th IUI matches up with your success last time on the 4th try. And the even I LOVE your positive thinking at the end. If it's a BFP - you've got great weather to enjoy it in and if it's a BFN - chug all the drinks you can get your hands on! :)

Thinking you!

Geochick said...

I'm sorry about the low-ish numbers. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry about the low numbers. :( I wish I had the words to make you feel better. My fingers are crossed for you, and just maybe you'll be totally surprised and get a BFP. :)

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry the numbers weren't as good as they usually are. When I was disappointed with the number of DH's swimmers with both of our IUIs, I used to boost my mood by looking up IUI success stories online with lower numbers and lower motility. Maybe reading about other people's successes would help you, too? It has to be better than Googling other scary things!

(((hugs))) I hope this cycle is THE one.

Anonymous said...

Hi hon. Oddly enough it's the second time today that I've shared this but I was able to get pg with IUI at the age of 37 with numbers less than that! Stay positive! It not only can has happened. I promise. Hugs!

Andrea said...

Hang on to HOPE :)

Don't count yourself out, as there are many times the numbers "are" there and the cycle fails. It's ultimately up to timing and I'm praying this is your time :)

HUGS and I pray you don't see a cocktail for the next 9 months.


R.J. said...

I think those numbers look good!! In fact, anything above 10million post-wash is considered good. And I've read success rates don't really increase when you go from good to great #'s with IUI. The IUI gets the sperm past the hard part of the race and they can literally limp over the finish line.

In fact, we're sitting pretty equal this cycle. I had my IUI this morning. Our sample was 18million motile post-wash. (which wasn't nearly as good as our donor's prior samples). But the cryobank guaranty anything over 10million, so they seem to follow the same "what is good" standard.

I hope this is is; for both of us!

Erin said...

HUGS. I know how sucky it can be to get low numbers....we had 5 million one cycle.

I don't want to be that annoying chic who says stupid stuff, but you have more motile sperm than we did on the cycle we got twins on. Don't give up hope!

AplusB said...

I'm sorry the numbers were disappointing, but I still have oodles of hope for you!! Those numbers aren't bad. They're not great, but definitely enough swimmers to find those eggies! Hang in there, I know this is the hardest part.
And yes yes yes to fashion previews!

Leslie said...

I am sorry that you are not feeling good about the numbers. I will remain positive for you.

I hope that your Bella is feeling better and the limping as stopped.

I hope that your 2WW goes by fast & you will have great news to celebrate on your way to Florida!! (Very jealous!)

Secret Sloper said...

Your poor little Bella! It would break my heart to see my little pup in such pain. How hard for a puppy mommy. I hope she was just a little stiff.

I'm sorry this isn't getting any easier. I so hope there is one (or two!) speedy, strong little guys in there that can get the job done! Holding out hope that there will be.

Anonymous said...

I totally know how you feel. As you know, we're in the same boat this cycle. I was really upset and feeling like I was positive this wouldn't work. But after I posted about F's numbers and reading all the comments it helped. I have hope, but I'm also being realistic so I'm not devistated when it doesn't work. Know that I'm thinking of you and I'm here with you these next couple of weeks. It feels better to have hope than to be all depressed though, I was like that for a few days. Hang in there! (((HUGS))) =)

Anonymous said...

Oh-and I'm sorry about your pup, I hope she's ok and was just a little stiff that day.

And have fun in FL, the weather should be nice then =).

Jane said...

I'm so sorry those numbers weren't what you were hoping for and expecting. It's always something, isn't it? I'm so ready to have a cycle where nothing goes wrong. (Or where everything goes right, depending on how you look at it.) And I know how disappointing this must be when everything was looking so good. Try not to give up hope!!! You did it on the 4th time before, you can do it again!

Jaymee said...

hope that this one is the one, i will be excited for you sometimes it is just easier that way.

hope bella is doing better. my parent's boxer had the same thing. turns out that because of the surgery he has arthritis, really hoping that maybe bella's limping is due to that.

hope you have a blast in fla!