Friday, February 12, 2010

Doom & Gloom - Updated

I feel like that should be my new nickname, I got one positive blog post in and then BOOM, another slap in the face by frickin IF! So I went for my baseline ultrasound this am. Like every month I'm convinced I have a huge residual cyst, and tell the hubby the night before how I'm just SURE I'm feeling cysty, and I'm going to be forced to break for a month. Well today my fears came true and I have a 31mm cyst. And the sane part of my head gets that these cysts are very very common, and a month on the bench is hardly the worst thing in the world. BUT, the over-emotional, borderline crazy side that continually chants "baby now baby now baby now" can.not.take the words you're gonna have to sit this one out.

I mean it's bad enough that I'm going on 14 months of ttc, I think I deserve the chance to try EVERY month, and to retain that little bit of hope that this could be my month, only to have it crushed at the END of the month with a bfn vs. right as we're getting started? Give a girl a break, I want to frickin start stabbing my stomach with my cool new follitism pen...is that SO much to ask?!? I know I know, I need to calm down...I'm being such a brat about this, and they could still call and say it's not even producing estrogen. It's just when I told her how big this was, the nurse just gave me this look...the look that said "oh girl, I'm so going to be calling you later with bad news, and you're so going to go all crazy on me...yet again."

I'm so sorry to be all doom and gloom, but I just needed to vent! All I wanted was a little bit of good news, especially coming off the chemical...I just want the chance to cycle and get one to stick. But instead I have to spend yet another day (and possibly month) anxiously waiting for the call, that's bound to be bad news.

Okay then, well I've had my pity party and time to start thinking positive (yah right, the only thing I'm positive about is getting bad news today)...whoops, okay starting now. But I've survived far worse, so a few weeks on birth control will hardly kill me, if it even comes to that. Geez, so frickin dramatic...and I'm not even on any drugs I can blame it on. Dang it! Okay, positive thinking, positive thinking...I'm going to my zen place now. Will update this afternoon with the verdict.


I have to retract my tantrum above, my nurse called yesterday afternoon and said I have a friendly cyst (not estrogen producing) so I can cycle...hip hip!!! Obviously prematurely freaked out here, should have just waited for the call. Live and learn I guess!

16 comments:

suchagoodegg said...

UGH. I know exactly how you feel. Let it out, let it out. It f'ing sucks. At least in a BFN month you have HOPE, the waiting is physically painful.

I hope it's not estrogen-y and they call you back saying you can cycle right through it.

It's funny you say you feel cyst-ie the night before baseline. I say the EXACT same thing to my hubs. Sadly, I am always right. DAMN CYSTS!

Browniris said...

I hope you get some good news!!! GL!

Crossed Fingers said...

You have every right to be all "doom & gloom" right now - that news just sucks! No one would expect you to take that news with a smile and shrug! Sometimes you need to just throw a tantrum and hopefully you feel better.

Let yourself dwell on it for today and maybe tomorrow and then from there, remind yourself of the things you get to do while you're on the bench. I know - easier said than done but it might help ease the pain.

St Patrick's day is next month so you get to drink green beer (if you drink beer at all - I can't stand the stuff! haha)

Just Me... said...

Hi. I just discovered your blog today. All of us IFers are on this tumultuous roller coaster of life. It really is up and down and it's ok to be gloom and doom. Positive thoughts are not mandatory. They're nice when we have them :) but they are not mandatory. We simply do the best we can on any given day. Wishing you the best.

Secret Sloper said...

I'm so sorry, hon. It sucks to have to wait when you have already waited so, so long to get to this point. I hope the injectibles work like a charm next month, because you deserve it.

I'll send you an email about NYC stuff.

A said...

I think you are allowed doom and gloom! Especially after your disappointment about the cyst (hug). I am so sorry that you have to wait to even try again- I have never been there, but I can imagine I'd be throwing quite the tantrum!!

Something that has helped me when I'm feeling doom and gloom is to give myself a time limit. Like, okay fine, I can be doom and gloom until ___ time. Then, if it's nothing that I have any control over, I tell myself there is no reason being any more doom and gloom. That has (so far) prevented unending doom and gloom!!

praying for you!

Shanny said...

Oh that stinks! I'm sorry :(
Hope things start turning around for the better soon. Hugs.

Ashley said...

Ugh. :( I am so sorry! *hugs* Hoping you get great news later.

Erin said...

It's so hard, because we get the worst news right when our hormone levels are going insane. The nurses should have some sympathy to that!

The Millers said...

Girl, you let it out! That is what these blogs are for, right?! We share exactly how we are feeling with each other and get no judgement. We have all been down similar roads and though most people IRL will never understand, us women are here for you!!
Do something this weekend to treat yourself! You deserve it.

Stefanie Blakely said...

I can totally understand how having to sit out a month would feel devestating. You've waited long enough, friend!!

Jane said...

Baby now baby now baby now! Hey! That's what's repeating over and over in my head, too! And I know how hard it is to sit out a cycle. I hate that cyst! Well, if it turns out that they "bench" you, try to have some fun this month. And maybe you can try on your own and get an "au natural" BFP!! Wouldn't that be cool?

JC said...

I see your update and I'm very happy you don't have to sit this cycle out!!! YAYAYAYAY!!! Have a great weekend!

AplusB said...

I think we're all guilty of letting our minds run away from us and think the worst. It's totally normal!!
I'm so glad you can cycle this month - keep us posted on how the injects go. AND, have an awesome time in NY! Can't wait to check out the new merchandise!

Bean stalk ballads said...

Cysts are a nightmare... I have the same cysty problems... its just a pain. I am so glad yours didnt turn out to ruin your month after all!

Lisa said...

Hey there - I found you through Stirrup Queen and wanted to chime in to tell you to hang in there. I've had 2 chemicals and on M/C since January/09 and we're currently in the "IUI" world as well. Wanted to send you a note to let you know you're definitely not alone in this crappy IF world. Hopefully after this cycle, you'll be back in the game. I'll be following along and cheering you on!