Monday, December 28, 2009
Today was cd 14, which looking back now seems a tad late for a monitoring appointment. But last cycle I went in on cd 13 (also a Monday), and this cycle I started clomid a day late so I thought nothing of it when the nurse told me to come in on the 28th. So this morning bright and early hubby and I headed downtown to the dr. office. We went in the for the ultrasound and she said I had two large follies on the right (instantly I'm thinking oh YAY maybe I'll have more than 2 this cycle), but turns out my left ovary wimped out and only had little guys. I asked for the measurements (something they didn't offer up last cycle) and she said 29 & 23.
Not having done much research on follicle count, I immediately thought this sounded great and was relieved to have 2 again this cycle. So fast forward to now and I'm catching up on some blogs and read one about someone having a follicle similarly sized to my large one and her RE stating it was too big, or overripe to fertilize. Cue my complete freak out, and insane googling of follicle count and size. It seems online there is a consensus that anything over 25 is considered too large. That's not saying they won't still produce an egg, but it's not the ideal size of low 20's.
So my frustration is, why didn't they have me come in on cd 12 or 13. That is what my RE mentioned we would do when I originally met with him. I know they're opened on the weekends, so did they think they were doing me a favor by pushing it to Monday? Because now I just feel like we wasted the whole month, and assuming my 23 follicle grows another 2 mm....i may end up with 2 overly big follicles by the time of my IUI tomorrow. I'm just so bummed because I feel like I had to fight to even cycle this month, and now was that all wasted. Like hubby said, they're suppose to be the experts...but why does it feel like we have to keep checking up on them? And don't even get me started on what I found online about super big follies being cysts...which leads to next worst thing to happen which would be sitting out next month. I know I'm getting way ahead of myself, and maybe that 23 follicle is just fine...of course I don't know anything because I'm still waiting to hear back from my nurse who I promptly called at 9am begging her to call me back and discuss all this.
I probably being over dramatic about everything, but this morning when I woke up I was so positive about this cycle...and with one swift kick in the ass I feel like the whole month was taken from me...and instead of wondering if I'm pregnant the next two weeks, I'll be wondering if that huge follicle will be the cyst that keeps me from cycling again next month. Ahhhhh, can my nurse just call me back already!!! Would appreciate any comments from people who know anything about follicle size...am I totally out this month?
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
My u/s went great and she said my lining was at 4 and it needs to be under 6. So now I'm just waiting for my blood test results, and praying that my HCG level is under 1. And seriously, how could it not be...we're talking about .5 in two days. I mean I'm not asking for much here. So after work in attempts to maintain a positive attitude I'm going to fill my clomid prescription, so when I get that call I can hopefully pop a pill (I technically should have started yesterday).
Other than that I'm ecstatic its Friday and tonight I'm hosting my 7th Annual Couples Xmas party! It's basically a party I started throwing for my 3 high school best friends and their boyfriends our first year out of college, when we were all living in the city! We've all since moved to the burbs with our now hubbies and this will be the second year having at my grown up person house. My current to do list looks something like this:
- Make stuffed mushrooms
- Thaw meatballs (frozen from Tra.der Joe's)
- Make buffalo chicken dip
- Clean my bedroom/bathroom upstairs
- Put my secret santa ornament in gift bag
- Make yummy spiked punch (which i'll be drinking heavily tonight, especially if I don't get the clomid go ahead)
- Light candles
- Have someone snap a picture of me, hubby, and the pups for our xmas card
Whew. It'll be hectic, but I love this stuff! Now that we're in the burbs we usually munch/drink for a couple of hours and head over to this fab place in town that has bowling and baci ball courts! I'm sure bowling sounds more appealing at first, but let me tell you...Baci is so.much.fun! I think we've sort of made up our own rules, but we do girls vs. guys and it works and there is limited skill involved so everyone has fun! The rest of the weekend is reserved for xmas shopping. I'm not kidding when I say I haven't bought one thing, and xmas is in a week...how did that happen???
Thursday, December 17, 2009
And after getting pregnant relatively easy on our own, I never ever dreamed down the road we'd be heading to the fertility clinic, or that after a year of TTC we still wouldn't be pregnant! The list goes on and on. So yesterday on CD 2 I went in for my baseline u/s and blood work. I thought I had mentally prepared myself for all the outcomes...worst case scenario would be some leftover cysts from the clomid forcing me to sit the next cycle out. So when the u/s technician told me both ovaries looked good, I thought I was for sure in the clear...lets go pick up my clomid!
So my nurse calls me yesterday afternoon, and instead of hearing the words "you're all set...you can begin your clomid tomorrow", she starts asking me how heavy my menstrual flow is. I told her fairly heavy today which is normal for me on CD 2. She explained there was a trace amount of HCG in my system (1.5) and my lining was still very thick. She then very casually stated Dr. S. wants you to sit this cycle out, and we'll resume next month. I love how she said it like that would be no big deal, like I was going to politely respond with "oh sure, no problem, thanks for calling." What I wanted to say was "Um, surely you must be out of your mind, take a break...we just got started, NO WAY LADY!!"
So I asked what the trace HCG meant, and she said its possible something connected but obviously didn't last for very long. My girlfriend who is an IF expert told me something can implant for as little as an hour and produce a residual amount of HCG. My nurse also explained my level has to be under 1 to start clomid (something I plan to google as soon as I'm done typing this). This irritated me even more...I'm only .5 away from being good to go, and they're going to scrap the whole cycle. So I assured her my period was very heavy, and could I please come back for u/s and blood work before I throw the month. She agreed I could come Friday, and assuming my level is under 1 I can start clomid on CD 4 instead. Now that seems like a fair trade, why couldn't she have started with that option?
In any case, I'm going in tomorrow morning and praying for no signs of HCG. But as annoying as taking a break would be, I'm going to take my little 1.5 of HCG and consider it a positive. My period was actually 3 days late (which I assumed was from the clomid), but maybe not? I know it needs to be over 25 to even be considered pregnant (and 1.5 seems like non-existent in my mind)...but I'm going to be positive and am hoping it means my body is trying. Hoping its trying to remember what it did back in April, come on...I know you can do it!!!
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
So probably the longest running quirk I have going is currently in my purse. Back around the time of my miscarriage hubby came home from work with a little treat for me...his go to cheer me up can't fail treat...Re.ese Pea.nut But.ter cups! YUM. Normally I would scarf them up, and instantly feel better. But I knew even those Ree.ses wouldn't cheer me up then, so I kept them in my purse for a rainy day. The funny thing was hubby bought himself a pack a Com.bos that he also didn't eat, so they also ended up in my purse for another day. So fast forward 8 months and can you guess what is still in that purse of mine...you know it, that pack of Ree.ses and Com.bos. Somewhere along the road I vowed I wouldn't eat those Ree.ses until I was preggers again, and same went for the Com.bos. Strange, yes...but in my head it truly made sense. Like if I could somehow resist the urge to eat them, then I most certainly would get pregnant again and really, its not like it was going to take that long right???
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
And a bust for so many reasons, a bust because I had 2 gorgeous follies ready to go, a bust because my husbands numbers were amazing at 99 million count with 97% motility, a bust because my progesterone was great at 18, and mostly a bust because now I know I will not be pregnant by my rapidly approaching EDD, which leads me to my next point.
Although now I'm dealing with IF, there was a time when I thought getting pregnant would be easy, and it was! We started trying last January, and after 4 attempts we were pregnant with our first baby. I could not have been more excited. We were due January 4th, 2010. I was so excited about my due date, which is funny because I always joked the worst time of the year to have a baby would be around the holidays (you know those kids always get jipped when it comes to bdays)...but all that went out the window with my perfect due date. I only stayed pregnant about 2.5 weeks when I woke up one morning to spotting. I went to the dr. to find there was only a sac, and she advised me the bleeding would most likely get heavier and I would go on to miscarriage naturally.
I was of course devestated. But I thought if I could get pregnant once, it should be no problem getting pregnant again. After all they say you're even more fertile the few months following the miscarriage, so I stayed positive. But the months continued on and nothing, when we hit the 6 months post miscarriage my doctor sent me in for an HSG, and my hubbie in for his first SA. His count/motility were great, however morphology was borderline...which was our ticket to our RE and our diagnosis of unexplained infertility (RE thought the morphology was okay after re-testing).
Which leads me to today. I truly thought this first IUI would do the trick, I had no side effects to the 50mg clomid, my hubby performed my trigger shot flawlessly, perfectly timed IUI...but this wasn't our month. I know it WILL happen, but as time continues to pass it gets a little harder to endure alone. Of course hubby is amazing, my mom and few close friends who are super supportive and optimistic, but for the most part its easier to keep it private. And I find so much comfort in reading others IF blogs, that i've committed myself to starting this blog. I sometimes read other blogs and it seriously feels like they're reading my mind and typing it on their own blogs, and there is such a relief in knowing I'm not alone in this journey, that other people know who badly i want this, how frustrating this process can be, and all the other bs that goes along with infertility.
So this is my story, and I invite you to follow along.