Friday, January 8, 2010

My Dark Place

So today I am entering 10dpo, otherwise known as my "dark place". This is usually the day I let that panicked voice in my head that keeps asking "are you ever going to get pregnant again", really mess with my head, and any positivity I had about this month being my month flies right out the door. The period symptoms start lurking...tender boobs (so I can't even use this as a pregnancy symptom), and the cramps begin. They start with little twinges that make me wonder if I am actually feeling something down there, or its all in my head. But the twinges progress and my gut feeling that AF is around the door ends up being right.

It's such a terrible place to be, and I wish my period would just hit me like a brick wall...I truly think it would be easier. Easier than agonizing for two days about how its 99% coming any minute. And even then when it finally shows there is that huge blow of disappointment, even though I KNEW it was coming. And then when it finally does come, it breaks my heart to see my how my hubby takes it. I think since he's not experiencing the symptoms its a lot easier for him to hold out the hope this is our month, even with my constant complaining of cramping and how I know it will be over soon. He doesn't really do anything obvious, and its probably a sadness that only I would notice...but I hate it all the same.

In addition to the stress I put on myself, there is also the guilt I feel about another failed cycle. Guilt to my husband, to my mom, to my few best friends I've shared our IF struggles with. Usually its around 10dpo I start getting the "are you going to test, or any good vibes, or are you feeling any different" questions. I know they only ask because they care and want this for me almost as much as I do, and I've let them in so I'm hardly going to shut them out now. But I hate bursting their bubble of hope, and feel like i've let them all down yet again. One of my best friends who is also trying will usually call me out, tell me to come back to the light, hah! I actually appreciate it...I don't want to be in this place, it's NO fun.

So this is a pretty depressing post, huh?!? So much for staying positive, but it does help to vent about these feelings because its not something I feel like most of my friends would understand. Or maybe they would, but until you've really been there I imagine there is a different level of comprehension. So in efforts to stay out of this place, hubby and I are having a date night tonight. Dinner and a movie (Sherlock Holmes I think), and then it's the weekend! So there's something positive, I survived the week (with the help of a work at home snow day with hubby yesterday)!

As for a symptom check the twinges started happening Wednesday night, then again last night and have continued this morning. My boobs are actually not as sore as usual, which leads me to believe maybe the clo.mid will give me a longer luteal phase this cycle. I'm not currently on supplements, which I asked about and the nurse said clo.mid actually helps the back end of your cycle too so its not always necessary. Well it certainly did the trick for me this cycle! But that's all I got. Now it's just a matter of waiting, 11 dpo (tomorrow) is usually the dreaded day for me. And last cycle doesn't really help since I don't know if it was the clo.mid or the teeny tiny bit of HCG that got me to 14dpo. Either way Tuesday cannot come fast enough, and I'm praying I at least get the chance to go in for the blood test.


Shanny said...

Ah we all do this to ourselves, each and everytime. I'm crossing my fingers for you to get to Tuesday with good news and kick the guilt finally.

Enjoy your date night :)

Al said...

Those last few days are pure TORTURE, your dark place is the perfect name for it.

I hope this cycle is it - are you going in for a beta?

Thinking of you - enjoy date night tonight and I hope you and hubby will be celebrating good news very soon!

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, I just came out of my own dark place (great name for it!). :) I realllllllly hope yours goes better! And I totally feel you on the guilt...I feel like I'm slowly breaking my Mom and hubby's heart every cycle it doesn't work. ((hugs))

AplusB said...

I know that dark place all too well...and the feelings of guilt. It's awful. I hate having to break the news to my husband and mom that once again, I am not pregnant.
Hang in there these next few days. My luteal phase was 12 days on 150 mg of Clomid - prior to that it was 7-10 - so it definitely helps!

Anonymous said...

God I know this place too and your description of it feels perfect.

Jane said...

I hear ya, sister. 10dpo is the homestretch, but it's a doozy of a homestretch. Try to hang in there, and good luck! I'll be thinking of you!

A said...

I agree- at 10dpo, I wish I'd get an email or something that says either "Give up hope now" or "Guess what, your test would be +!"... the end of the 2ww is just unbearable!! We've all been there and know exactly how you're feeling (hug) Hang in there!

Oh, and I mentioned you in my post today- I'm copying your brazil nut idea after my friend K told me the same thing this week!! Thanks!!