My 1st Ever Blog Award!!!

So a HUGE thank you to BrownIris for giving me the Beautiful Blogger award! It totally made my day yesterday when I saw your comment! BrownIris and I have very similar stories, so I'm so so happy I found her blog! And these little things just remind me once again how frickin cool it is to be part of this community, love it!!

So the rules of this award are as follows:

• Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
• Copy the award and place it in your blog.
• Link the person who nominated you for this award.
• Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
• Nominate 7 bloggers.
• Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

7 Interesting Things About Me

1. I started and run the website www.basicboutique.com, however my day job is in corporate finance....bor-ing.
2. When I was in 5th grade I met Jason Priestly, Ian Ziering, and David Austin Greene. They were staying next door to us in Galena (of all places)!?! I have tons of pics to prove it...AND I'm wearing my sweet ass hypercolor t-shirt tucked into jeans!!!
3. I could eat a million oreo cookies, double stuffed preferably!
4. I met my husband in a bar at UofI, he had posed in my sorority's charity "men of UofI" calendar...and was BOMBED and went up to him and said "hey calendar boy" and then kissed him. We had never met previous to this!
5. I love to travel, especially places where the water is that gorgeous crystal blue...dream vacay, Bora Bora hands down.
6. I love any movie with an abnormally large freaky animal...Jurassic Park, Lake Placid (monster croc), Deep Blue Sea (crazy big shark), King Kong, most alien movies qualify and LOVED Avatar.
7. I'm obsessed with Friends & Sex & the City...never get sick of watching the reruns, BUT I do own every season of each just in case they ever stop airing!!

Seven Bloggers I Give This Award To

Littlest True Blue

TTC Hopeful

Such A Good Egg

The State That I Am In

A + B Waiting for C

From IF to When

Steps To Baby

I'm so lucky to have found you and your blogs, thank you for sharing your journeys with me!

The Bright Side

6 dpo and I'm cruising right along, I'm really feeling good this tww. Now, yes we all know the first week is a breeze compared to the second...so we still have to see who will really win this fight. But for now I'm staying positive, and looking on the bright side of things.

It's frickin COLD in Chicago, but the sun is shining which makes such a difference!

Went to Potbelly's to pickup lunch, splurged on an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie...YUM.

It's Friday, and the weekend has arrived! Hubby and I are sneaking out of work early and heading to half-priced happy hour (only half-price apps for me) at one of our fav restaurants!

It's the dead of winter, BUT January is almost over. Hip Hip. By far the worst month of the year in my opinion. And I think great things are coming in February!!! Plus February is an even number, so its bound to be better to me than January.

I really really really want this to be my cycle, but I talked to my nurse yesterday and I'm all set to start injections next month IF I the the big BFN. Something about jumping into a new treatment (as scary as that should sound) gives me a new sense of hope!

I also made an appt with Dr. S for February, so if I'm still cycling we can have the old "hey remember me from October, yeah, well I'm still not preggers...so fix it" talk. His next open date...2/24 (hello, my favorite number)!

I have an inch and half of dark brown roots (which looks especially bad with my dead of winter pale skin), but I'm getting highlights next Tuesday and will be blond again!

I have not googled ANYTHING yet, and have survived just fine without it!!! Screw you google.

Most importantly, I'm halfway done with the tww. I went in for progesterone this morning and will update with my number this afternoon. After last cycle's 30 I do realize this number means absolutely nothing in terms of pregnancy...BUT it's always nice to know you had a good healthy ovulation. One less thing to worry about.

B&B

Otherwise knows as Beau & Bella, or BoBo and BooBoo, or the killer yorkies. Yup, that's right...don't let these pics fool you, these adorable little puppies are downright vicious at times. My baby girl Bella actually killed a teeny tiny bird that had fallen from its nest and made the mistake of wandering into our yard, I still can't get the image of her pouncing on it out of my mind. And then there is Beau, who literally tried kill my best friend's baby when she was at my house, okay...in Beau's defense kill is probably a strong word. I think he more wanted to play with him (and by play I mean chew on him like a squeaky toy), and showed his excitement by jumping 5 feet into the air and ripping off both of little Barrett's socks while I was holding him!!!

In any case, as crazy as these two are I love them to death. Beau is our little boy and totally shows emotion like a human. He is also massive, like 17 lbs so we're convinced he's not a pure yorkie! He's 6 months older than Bella is toally the big brother, he's super protective of her. And Bella is our "special" puppy. She doesn't whip around when you call her name like most dogs do, she never wags her tail...unless she happens to be laying on one of Beau's many toys and he of course only wants that one (i told you she was evil), and the funny thing is Bella has never even squeaked a toy her life, she just doesn't get them!?! What dog doesn't like toys???


And they love each other, they make out all the time...which is really just a case of Bella having stinky breath...and Beau is literally cool with eating shit (so gross I know) so why not lick the inside of Bella's mouth for 10 min straight??? It's seriously the funniest thing, and I'm pretty sure if I uploaded a video of this to YouTube, the Today Show would call and want to interview me about my incestuous pups, haha!!! In any case, here some pics of my crazy babies!

Baby Beau

Baby Bella

Best Buds

Ahhh...could this face be any cuter?

Just chillin

Favorite spot

A Few Things About Me

So in efforts to stay sane, ahem I mean positive, during my two week wait I'm going try my very best to not over analyze or fret about all those annoying little things I'm going to start feeling very soon. I may have been a sucker in the past, and rushed to the computer to google every minor thing I felt, when in reality a random twinge at 6dpo (or whatever) could be just that. Can we say breakthrough here?!? So not this time tww, my new found positive attitude is going to keep me away from google! I know I know, that's a pretty bold statement but I'm determined. You are my witnesses, and I'm vowing to NOT google anything ttc related at all!!! So take that google.

And so going along with my new tww mantra I thought a random blog would be fitting. Here are a few things about me, my favs, likes, dislikes, I guess we'll just see where this goes:

• My favorite number is 24 - my birthday is 10/24, I found out I was preggers on 4/24, I just had my 3rd IUI on 1/24. I really like even numbers (check), and hello there is a TV show named after it, which I happen to love (isn't this season good so far)!
• I LOVE to cook - I'm obsessed with Rachael Ray recipes...however RR actually bugs the crap out of me. But what can I say 30 min. meals is right up my alley, and she happens to love the same foods as me, garlic, onion, mexican, hot sauce. I just tried this recipe and it was SOO yummy and had tons of leftovers... I highly recommend!
• Frank's Red Hot - since we're on the topic of food (I'm eating my lunch right now, hah) I have to give a shout out to this hot sauce. Hubby and I literally could drink this stuff, when it goes on sale at Costco I buy like 6 super size bottles cause we go through it so fast. And I'm pretty sure there isn't anything that doesn't taste good with hot sauce!!!
• Love stories - I am SUCH a sucker for a love story and truly believe that "all you need is love." My parents tend to be much more business partnership with their marriage, and I've rarely ever seen them act affectionately towards each other. I think this instilled something in me when I was younger that I was looking for one thing when it came to love...to quote Carrie from my all time favorite show SATC "I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love." I was lucky enough to find just that. And to this day I can watch movies like the notebook, ps I love you, etc over and over (and have...usually while bawling my eyes out and a glass of wine). I love how love itself can take so many forms, and how you can't define it, but instead feel it and show it in different ways. The idea of falling in love is just such a cool concept to me!
• Music - I LOOOVE music, and I'm not a musical person at all (although I did dance in high school)...but a good song can totally move me. I also have every musical downloaded in my iphone...my all time fav is Rent and I've seen it like 7 times!! I'm SO that person you see when your stopped at a red light and the person next to you is so obviously singing their heart out to the radio. And trust me when I say I know I don't have a good voice, but I love to belt it out!! If I hear a song on a tv show, movie...I always make a mental note to go get it on itunes. I have 25 different playlists on my iphone, songs for work, songs for driving, ultimate dance, love songs, etc, etc! Right now the song "I Will Show You Love" by Kendall Payne (grey's anatomy pick up) is on repeat in my car...I seriously think this should be the IF theme song. *Okay I was just typing the point below and this song came up on my iphone, no joke...FREAKY!!!
• TV - Not sure if you noticed but there pretty much isn't a show I don't watch. Hubby and I love tv, and my best friend always wonders how I actually have enough time in the day to keep up with my tivo schedule...well I'll let you in on a little secret...I do not sleep! I just don't need much sleep, never have. I've also done a great job of training hubby, although sometimes I have kick him in the ribs when he starts to snooze on the couch, my friends seem to think this is cruel...but I'm just doing whats best for him, cause I know he does NOT want to miss the last 15 min. of real housewives!!! hah. AND 6 more days until Lost, my absolute favorite show!!!
• Twilight - Aaaahhh, Edward Cullen is so dreamy!!! hah, but seriously he's frickin hot and because of my love for him I'm now obsessed with twilight...books and movies. It started when we rented Twilight, cause of all the hype...and then my friends swore if I liked the movie I would LOVE the books. My problem was I don't read books, unless I'm on vacation...I get super carsick so I can't ever read in the car or on the train...it sucks, but even flipping through a magazine makes me nauseous! BUT, I've discovered Kindle for Iphone, and I can download the Twilight books there for $5. And guess what, when I'm bored at work (and am not blogging, or reading blogs), I turn into the corner of my cube and read away!! Don't tell my boss...heheh! Right now I'm on Eclipse and its SO good.

IUI #3

Sunday night...ahh, how does it always come so fast!?! The majority of my weekend was filled with all things baby making. Friday after work I headed to acupuncture, then IUI Saturday, IUI Sunday, and then more acupuncture Sunday! The nurse called on Friday afternoon, and before I could even ask told me to come in both days. Hubby's numbers were great, 86 million with 84% motile...and then 36 million, 97% motile. You would think with over 100 million of hubby's guys floating around inside of me we could get this baby made already!! I'm thinking MAYBE I ovulated this am, as I had some pinching pain on my left side (the one with two follies). So overall I'm very happy with the timing, my follies, and the double IUIs this cycle.

So now as I enter the tww, I'm going to try super super hard to just stay positive. I'm talking almost to the point of just assuming I'm pregnant. I'm over the whole if I get my hopes up and assume I'm preggers, I'll jinx it and definitely won't be kind of mentality. Or if I want it too badly, it will just never happen. Let's face it, everyone who is trying to have a baby gets their hopes up and wants to be pregnant at the end of these two weeks, and lots of those people really do get pregnant. So why not get my hopes up, why not just assume the best possible outcome is in store for me, why not think this could really be my month. I'm kinda thinking I'm due here. And who am I kidding, I really really want this!!

ICLW & Monitoring Appointment

So this is my first ICLW so welcome to any new visitors! The good news is you haven't missed much, I just recently started my blog after my first IUI went bust. I actually hate all things writing (i've always been a math person) so my hubby was super shocked when I showed him my first post...BUT, starting this blog has been such a positive experience for me! I can't tell you much I've loved connecting with people on all sorts of paths to our common goal of getting pregnant! The women in this little blogging community are honestly amazing for so many reasons, and I feel lucky to be a part of it.

To give you a little history, we started trying last January. We actually got pregnant on our own in April, but miscarried two weeks later. I always thought getting pregnant would be the hard part, but turns out for me its getting pregnant AGAIN that is causing us trouble! I assumed I'd get pregnant shortly after the miscarriage (cause it seems like this is true for lots of people), so after a few months I convinced my dr. to run some more tests and hubby's morphology came back border line which was our ticket to the RE. We're currently on IUI #3 with 100mg clo.mid, and I'm praying this will BE MY MONTH!!!

Now to the good stuff!!! I had my monitoring appt this morning, I'm only CD11 so its technically a day early. But last cycle I learned they don't do monitoring over the weekend at my clinic, of course this was after they told me to come in the Monday after the weekend, which was CD14 and low and behold my leading follie was 29mm which the nurse informed was apparently overripe. So this cycle I learned my lesson and decided to error on the side of being too early rather than too late.

So the good news is I am ready to go!!! I had three follies she measured, two on the left at 20.5 and 18.5, and one on the right at 13. She said the 13 was probably too small...but I'm going to be optimistic and not count it out completely. Plus my follies seem to be freaky fast growers! My lining was 10.9 which is also awesome considering this is my 3rd month on clo.mid. All in all a great monitoring appt, and now I just wait for the call from nurse with my estrogen levels and about triggering tonight and going in for the IUI this weekend.

Now my question for all of you, my dr. has me trigger in the night between 6 and 10pm. BUT he has me come in the next morning for the IUI, and that's the only one I do. I've read about so many people going in the following day (so that would be Sunday instead of Saturday) so they can time it 36 hours from the trigger shot. So I guess I have to assume my Dr. knows what he's doing, but I can't help but think are we jumping the gun here? Of course hubby and bd like crazy after an IUI, but my thoughts are a) its the weekend so its super easy to get in back to back IUIs b) I know its only suppose to increase your odds by like 6%...but who am I to give up even 1% and c) I'm on IUI#3 here...maybe its time to take it up a notch?? The only downside I can think of is using up a tiny portion of my insurance (I have a yearly max), on a procedure that doesn't increase my odds very much. I'm fairly certain my nurse will let me do it, so would you do back to back? And if you do back to back, would you bd Saturday night or just hold off until the next IUI?

Blame it on the Clomid

So I've been feeling super emotional the last few days, and I think we all know who (or what) i'm going to blame here! I really didn't notice a change on 50mg, and maybe its all in my head but this week I've just been so all over the place. It also didn't help that in the last couple days two different people made a point to ask when I was having babies. Lady #1 (aka my fav waitress at the local bar/restaurant we ALWAYS go) hit me up over the weekend. She just had a baby and was showing us pics on her phone....when she stopped dead sentence and was like "The real question here is when are you going to have a baby". Grrrrr.

Or as lady #2 (aka my mom's friend) pointed out... I think its time for you to have a baby. Hah, it's like what a novel concept...like the thought never occurred to me that I could actually have a child with the husband I've been married to for 4.5 years?!? I guess I should get home and get on that stat! Thank you my mom's friend that I bumped into at the store, who I barely even know, thank you. I do understand these women have no idea what I've been going through, and to them it's just an innocent little comment...small talk really. But it makes me thankful that one positive to dealing with IF, is a sense of awareness that I might not have had otherwise. And down the road as much as I may want to ask a friend when they're going to have a baby...I'll remember to bite my tongue, because you just never know what's going on behind closed doors! Until they decide to let me in, what business is it of mine...and I SO never want to be the person someone has to blog about dealing with...hah!

Then yesterday I had an appointment with my internist. She asked me what's new, and so I told her we were trying to have a baby....and before I could finish she started with, oh congrats that is so exciting!! It's like hold up lady...I'm just getting started here. And so I told her we got pregnant, had a miscarriage, now can't get pregnant, fertility treatments...blah, blah, you know the story. My voice of course started shaking, and I could feel my eyes tearing up...dam you clo.mid. Something about telling my story to someone who doesn't already know, watching her expression change from excitement to pity...just reminds how much I hate having to tell this story at all!!

So for now I'm just going to blame my overall mopiness on the clo.mid, and the pressure I'm feeling heading into IUI #3...ugh, can that please be the highest number I have to put behind IUI?!? And in attempts to beat the funk, I'm just going to focus on the positives until my 7am appt on Friday. Basically one more day to go until we get this show on the road, and then I promise no more whiney posts!! Positive/zenful state here I come, and in the meantime:

• Went to yoga last night, which I'm totally loving. She talks a lot about squeezing out the negative energy and bringing the positive in...perfect!
• It's Wednesday, and my boss is working from home which = easy day of slacking for me!
• Modern family AND Giuliana & Bill are on tonight...my new favorite shows!
• Bought these shoes online with leftover xmas credit! Should be arriving any day now.

Just Waiting

Waiting...ugh, I HATE that word. It seems like with IF you're always waiting for something, your next u/s, your next iui, and let's not even get started on the TWW. And then once we get preggers we still have 9 more months of waiting to meet that baby we've been trying so hard to create. Ahhh, will it ever end?!? I"m seriously getting exhausted already...and I want a baby NOW!

And what kills me the most is I feel like waiting is what got me into this situation, I totally got the baby bug about 2 years before we actually started trying. But hubby and I thought what's the rush, we'll have kids for the rest of our lives...why not enjoy our time alone for a couple more years. So we waited until we moved to the burbs, waited until we had more in savings, waited until we got back from our (AMAZING) trip to Costa Rica last winter. I know I can't change the past, and I really am grateful for some amazing times with just me and hubby. I just hate feeling like I"m getting punished, when I was just trying to be responsible in the first place. Can't a girl get a break!

So for now I"m waiting for Friday to come, actually I can't wait for Friday...and praying that my 100mg clo.mid bumped out an extra follie for me. One day down, three to go...I can do it, I can do it!!!

My New Favorite Show

So a few of my friends have mentioned they like the Giuliana & Bill show, mostly because a lot of its based in Chicago which is cool, but wasn't enough to hook me. Now I watched Bill on the apprentice WAY back when, and he seemed like a nice enough guy...but do I care to watch a show about how loaded is he now and how fabulous his life is? And I could never understand how he married Giuliana...she totally bugs me on E!

So a girlfriend of mine (who happens to know about our IF stuff) mentioned this season its all about how they're trying to get pregnant (i guess in real life they're been trying for 7 months and nothing) and are finally seeking out help. This of course sparked my interest and I set my tivo for last night. And let me tell you, I LOVED it! I mean she still pretty much bugs the crap out of me, but I have to admit...they are super cute together. Especially with the baby stuff, you could just totally relate...hubby and I were literally cracking up. In one scene Giuliana told the dr. how Bill calls her "old eggs", and Bills face was priceless right before the dr. gave him his SA #'s. You maybe had to see it, but trust me it was hilarious!

Anyways, I just really respect the fact that Giuliana & Bill are putting it out there. My girlfriend told me in the "what to expect this season" highlights Bill was giving Giuliana shots...so I'm very intrigued to see where this goes for them. It just seems like so many celebrities, who are like 40+, pop out twins one day...and they're like what, it's easy to get pregnant. Yah, easy when you have tons of cash to spend on treatments...and get a free pass straight to the fertility clinic because they don't have time to spend months trying to get preggers the old fashioned way. Ugh! Anyways, I highly recommend this show...even hubby liked it. It's on 8 on Weds. on the style network! Check it out!

Your Last Warning

So I just got the call from my nurse that I'm good to go for IUI #3! She confirmed this would be our last Clo.mid cycle before moving to combination next month (clo.mid + injectibles). I asked her since this would be our last try would it make sense to up the dosage to 100mg and to my dismay she was basically like sure...I'll call the pharmacy and change your dosage. I was so prepared to have to convince her to push the dr, so that seemed way too easy! Maybe my luck is turning around! I go in next Friday for my monitoring appt (YAY) which will be CD11. I seem to have no problem growing follies and if anything they grow too fast, so I'm hoping at CD11 they'll be nice and ripe. And this month my goal is 3 follies for my 3rd IUI!!!

Now that we're ready to go AGAIN, I have one final warning for this slacker body of mine:

Please please please can you TRY to remember what you did back in April, I know you know how to get pregnant...and it made me so unbelievably happy! I know you can do this...I'm willing you to do it again. I've been VERY patient with you, but now its getting serious. You may think popping a pill for 5 days is no big deal...BUT at this point I am not afraid to stab you repeatedly with needles until you bust out the follies that are going to get me preggers. Yah, does the term "trigger shot" ring a bell...yah, that one hurts doesn't it?? Well, its only going to get worse. And this is where we're headed if you don't cooperate with me here. I NEED you to work with me, and I promise to be good to you back, do yoga (which i loved), acupuncture, drink LOTS of water, and eat TONS of brazil nuts (which by the way you TOTALLY let me down this month you disgusting nuts), whatever it takes. I'm on your team here so let's take care of business this 3rd round. Just please...make 3 my lucky number, or you will be sorry. Consider yourself warned!!!

Game Over

My period arrived, and I really can't complain because it did exactly what I asked and showed right when I woke up this am, so at least I didn't waste my time going in for the beta. I'm honestly relieved the cycle is over, the last few days have been just torturous...especially after the negative test. I knew deep down this wasn't our month. I was ready to look forward, as this was by far my hardest cycle to date. I do have to say I'm loving the blogging and it totally helps the month go by...writing, reading, commenting, etc. So thanks for all the good thoughts and words of wisdom...SO appreciate them!

And since I got out most of my tears this weekend, I'm forcing myself into a positive place (well more like forcefully shoving)...but that's where I'm headed whether I like it not. And I have a few goals of how I'm going to stay positive this month, totally stealing this idea...but I loved her post so here goes:

1. Book a vacay - Hubby and I decided if this cycle was a bust first thing we would do was get out of town. We need a break, not from cycling (would obviously plan around my iui) but just from life in general. Today I plan to spend my day seaching for last minute and cheap vacay packages. I'm thinking along the lines of Cabo or Mexican Riveria, basically anything sounds good right now compared to insanely cold Chicago!
2. Start yoga - I've done Yoga in the past and love it...and hate it. I am the MOST unflexible person in the world, i'm talking can barely touch my toes. So I'm preparing myself for it to be super painful at first, but I signed up for a super cheap class at the park district that starts tonight. Which is perfect cause hubby is at grad school on Tuesdays!
3. Lose the tampons - After reading Jane's post and researching a little more I decided I'm going to give this a try as well. I really only have 1 heavy day, and on clomid my period trickles out by CD5 so shouldn't be too unbearable.
4. Cycle timing - Now that I know my Dr.'s office doesn't monitor on the weekends, I'm going to demand to go in on Friday which will be CD11. It's a day earlier, but no way am I waiting until Monday to find out any of my follies are overripe, oh no...not this time! I'm going to trigger those dang follies when they're perfectly ripe!
5. Clomid Dosage - Assuming this will be last month on clomid (dr. had originally said 3-4 months of clomid & iui's before moving onto injectibles...and my thoughts are three strikes and your out, if this month doesn't work I'm going to insist we take it to the next level) I'm wondering if I should ask my nurse to up my clomid dosage. Yes, technically I am responding to the 50mg...and did pop out 2 follies both times. BUT, I'm still not preggers...so in my opinion the 50mg is majorly slacking off here. I have a feeling they're not going to see it this way, considering they're the medical experts here and probably know best...but I figure its worth a shot. Why not go out with a bang!

So this is my plan. Now let's just hope I get the greenlight to cycle this month after my baseline tomorrow!

13dpo & Holding

So I survived the weekend, and I mean literally just that. Instead of rushing by like usual, this weekend seemed to drrraaaag. And at the same time dragged me through the IF roller coaster of emotions. At times I was truly optimistic because I wasn't cramping and AF still hadn't showed, but then the cramps would resume, and the tears would start about another potentially failed IUI. Something about the 2nd one not working is hitting me much harder than the first.

Then there was the way too vivid dream I had Saturday night, where I tested positive. You know the ones where everything is so clear, and every detail is so accurate right down to the brand of pregnancy test. And the feeling of extreme happiness I experienced in that dream, well, I let it get to me. I thought this surely must be a sign, and broke down last night and tested...BFN at 12dpo. Now that can't be a good sign. I guess its better to go into my beta tomorrow with some realistic expectations.

I'm going to call shortly and make my appointment for tomorrow morning. And if this isn't my month, can I please oh please just get my period before wasting the trip to the dr. tomorrow. Last month I got my period 30 min. after my beta...now that was just cruel!

Stay tuned.

My Dark Place

So today I am entering 10dpo, otherwise known as my "dark place". This is usually the day I let that panicked voice in my head that keeps asking "are you ever going to get pregnant again", really mess with my head, and any positivity I had about this month being my month flies right out the door. The period symptoms start lurking...tender boobs (so I can't even use this as a pregnancy symptom), and the cramps begin. They start with little twinges that make me wonder if I am actually feeling something down there, or its all in my head. But the twinges progress and my gut feeling that AF is around the door ends up being right.

It's such a terrible place to be, and I wish my period would just hit me like a brick wall...I truly think it would be easier. Easier than agonizing for two days about how its 99% coming any minute. And even then when it finally shows there is that huge blow of disappointment, even though I KNEW it was coming. And then when it finally does come, it breaks my heart to see my how my hubby takes it. I think since he's not experiencing the symptoms its a lot easier for him to hold out the hope this is our month, even with my constant complaining of cramping and how I know it will be over soon. He doesn't really do anything obvious, and its probably a sadness that only I would notice...but I hate it all the same.

In addition to the stress I put on myself, there is also the guilt I feel about another failed cycle. Guilt to my husband, to my mom, to my few best friends I've shared our IF struggles with. Usually its around 10dpo I start getting the "are you going to test, or any good vibes, or are you feeling any different" questions. I know they only ask because they care and want this for me almost as much as I do, and I've let them in so I'm hardly going to shut them out now. But I hate bursting their bubble of hope, and feel like i've let them all down yet again. One of my best friends who is also trying will usually call me out, tell me to come back to the light, hah! I actually appreciate it...I don't want to be in this place, it's NO fun.

So this is a pretty depressing post, huh?!? So much for staying positive, but it does help to vent about these feelings because its not something I feel like most of my friends would understand. Or maybe they would, but until you've really been there I imagine there is a different level of comprehension. So in efforts to stay out of this place, hubby and I are having a date night tonight. Dinner and a movie (Sherlock Holmes I think), and then it's the weekend! So there's something positive, I survived the week (with the help of a work at home snow day with hubby yesterday)!

As for a symptom check the twinges started happening Wednesday night, then again last night and have continued this morning. My boobs are actually not as sore as usual, which leads me to believe maybe the clo.mid will give me a longer luteal phase this cycle. I'm not currently on supplements, which I asked about and the nurse said clo.mid actually helps the back end of your cycle too so its not always necessary. Well it certainly did the trick for me this cycle! But that's all I got. Now it's just a matter of waiting, 11 dpo (tomorrow) is usually the dreaded day for me. And last cycle doesn't really help since I don't know if it was the clo.mid or the teeny tiny bit of HCG that got me to 14dpo. Either way Tuesday cannot come fast enough, and I'm praying I at least get the chance to go in for the blood test.

Progesterone Results

So I went in bright and early this am for my 7dpo progesterone test. I always love going in for this blood test because it's like the final step each cycle, and now I know i'm in the home stretch. And the nurse called this afternoon and my results are 30.1! I was SO pumped to hear that number, not that it means anything besides a healthy ovulation. But at least I know if by some miracle one of hubbys guys found my egg, and it manages to implant...I know my body can sustain the pregnancy. I am trying very hard to not read anything else into that number, as last month I was only 18 at 7dpo, so that seems like a big improvement to me. I guess only time will tell!

And if pregnancy wasn't on my mind 24/7, today at work I had a co-worker ask if I was expecting?!? Now I have to note, this woman is super quirky! When a new CVS opened near our office she asked me every day for 3 weeks if I had been to the CVS, and how nice the CVS was, and how she planned to do all her xmas shopping at CVS. I mean relax lady, it's a frickin CVS! She also once told me the (way too long) story of how the father of her first child, left her for a fat toothless women, she was at the time comparing herself to Elin Woods. Like I said, quirky!

Anyways, I passed her on my way to the bathroom and she stopped me and said "can i ask you something personal"....the question "are you expecting" was the LAST thing I was prepared for. Caught completely off guard I started nervously laughing and could feel my face getting super red, and unconvincingly told her no (she probably totally thinks I am). I also made a mental note to stop wearing any empire waist tops until I was actually preggo. But NO, she wasn't saying it in regards to weight...she proceeded to tell me I looked really pale and sick, so she assumed it was morning sickness. Oh, it's not that you think I overdid it on xmas cookies this year, you're telling me I'm ugly now?!?! I mean yah I'm pale, it's frickin January and I never wear makeup to work...guess I'll be bronzing it up tomorrow! Like I said if it was any other person I would probably be offended...but instead I'm hoping my nosy little quirky coworker has the ability to read the future!!!

And totally random but I just had the most insane toe cramp...now do I google "pregnancy symptoms toe cramp" or not??? My head says NO, but my uterus says YES! Plus hubby has grad school class tonight (Tuesdays are now my least fav day of the week, and this really messes up watching Lost this season, which starts in 28 days) and doesn't get home until 10:30pm. What else am I supposed to do!?! I'm cutting myself off officially from Google tomorrow.

My Secret Weapon

So if I do get pregnant this cycle I'm giving all the credit to my secret weapon, which I'm now going to share with you...are you ready for it, get ready...this may be life changing...BRAZIL NUTS!!! Okay, so you may be thinking i'm completely crazy...or wondering what the f brazil nuts are and why they have anything to do with TTC. I've been in your shoes, and I was skeptical too. Probably because I'm not a huge fan of nuts to begin with, and these our not your average little peanuts. Imagine nuts the size of your toes, with this awful dry nutty taste, and the real kicker...a few brazil nuts have like 30 grams of fat!!!

BUT, the cycle I got pregnant last spring it was the first month I forced these bad boys down my throat. Apparantly, they're supposed to be high in selenium and help with implantation. Honestly, I don't know if there is any truth to this...and most likely I'm just adding crazy amounts of fat to my diet for absolutely no reason. But in attempts to remain positive I'm pulling out the bigs guns and telling myself my little weapon will work its magic once again.

Only time will tell, and today I'm only 6dpo. So tomorrow marks 1 week to go, however I usually get my period at 11dpo so if I make it past Saturday with no AF I'm already a step in the right direction. I'm still debating if I'll test early, I really really like the idea of not testing if I can and hold out for that blood test. In the meantime I will continue to over analyze every symptom-like feeling my body throws my way! And pray there is some serious implantation going on in my uterus right now, that is assuming the fertilized egg didn't explode when my yorkie Beau literally jumped on my right ovary last night in bed. And wouldn't you know both my follies were on the right side. Dr. hubby assures me I am A-okay...I seriously have problems, hah!

IUI #2 & 2010 Resolutions

Well 2010 has arrived and its back to reality for me. These last two weeks have been such an amazing break from so many things in my overly busy life, and most importantly infertility...which is funny since I had my second IUI the Tuesday after xmas!

The IUI itself went great, it was so nice not to rush back into work. Hubby's numbers were amazing as usual, 97 million count, 93% motile, and direction of 4 (the last two times they've given me this number and say 4 is the best you can have, I'm not sure if direction is even what they call it). Oh, and as for my supersized follie I was ranting about in my post last week, the nurse that did my IUI said it was probably too big. And turns out my dr's office doesn't do monitoring appts over the weekend, which explains why they had me come in when they did. Basically the timing sucked cause of the holidays and my fate would be sealed with one 23mm follie. I guess that's one less thing I'll be wondering about, no multiples for me this cycle!

But like any time away from work, the days flew past and here I am today at 5dpo! Tuesday I go in for my progesterone test and I'm already at the 1 week countdown, which will most likely torture me until I get my period, or maybe...just maybe a positive pregnancy test? Would that not be the best way to start this year?

So I can honestly say I was NOT sad to see '09 go. Wasn't the greatest year for me, let me see...miscarriage, economy sucked which greatly impacted my retail business, because of trying to have a baby we didn't get a chance to travel anywhere exciting, we had a ton of weddings of which hubby and I were in 4 of...this actually was a ton of fun, but it also prevented months of adding to the savings account, not getting pregnant the rest of the year...hmmm, do we think not getting pregnant is a sore spot for me. In any case with any new year we get a clean slate, and I think letting go of the fact that I wouldn't be getting pregnant in 2009 is a great thing for me. As the year kept creeping by I just kept thinking I only have X more months to get pregnant. Why I gave myself this deadline, I really don't know (and probably completely jinxed myself in doing so).

But since this blog is a journal of sorts, and I'm a total OCD list maker (did you know your body actually releases endorphins when you cross items off a list...no joke) I'm writing down my resolutions here. And 10 points to anyone who can guess resolution #1....hah:

• Get Pregnant (and let's try a little positive attitude while doing so, request of hubbys) - This is going to be our year, I just know it. I mean how can it not be, it's like my deadline just got extended by 12 months...okay, okay and no more deadlines. Hmm, maybe I need to make that a resolution. But really, I truly in my heart feel this will be our year, and maybe it won't be right away...but I have to believe the worst is behind me. And I have to try to shake this chip off my shoulder, and not be bitter when I see 5 different people post status updates of FB about how amazing it is to feel their babies move in their pregnant tummys, or not feel like I just got slapped in the face when my mom casually mentions it seems like people keep asking her when hubby and I will have kids. I just have to try as hard as possible to remind myself it will be us soon enough!
• Build our New House (or at least break ground this year) - When we moved to the suburbs we had always planned to buy a tear down, meaning finding something we could survive in for a few years, save up some money, until we could tear it down and build our dream house! And while many people would say my house is far from a tear down...it is very tight on space. There are only 2 bedrooms upstairs, and one is ours and the other is my home office which is needed for my business. Our timeline was always to survive for 4 or 5 years, but my mom's builder crunched some numbers and believes we could save a lot of money by building sooner rather than later. I'm sure to a lot of people building a house sounds completely overwhelming, but this is honestly my dream come true. I'm completely obsessed with all things house related, and can watch HGTV for hours on end. And I already have a "dream house" file where I keep magazine pictures, house plans I like, etc. For all of these reasons I'm really hoping we can get this one done.
• Basic Boutique's Best Year Ever - I have hugely high hopes for my business this year. This past years economy was pretty painful for most retailers, and mine was no exception. However, the one thing it did was force us to reduce our expenses. It really was an eye opening experience and taught me a ton about cutting costs. I only can hope if we can continue to run like this, and the economy improves even a little we may be in good shape to survive this historic recession.
• Baby B. Jewelry (business #2) Up and Running - My girlfriend and I recently started making jewelry for fun. We went to the trade show, got some supplies and walla we were making our own jewelry. We sent around some pics to friends and family for holiday gift ideas and to our shock we actually got a bunch of orders! Our goal is to make this an official business this year, and get the website up in January. And if you were wondering, yes the Baby is because my friend and I are both trying to get pregnant, and the B is for our pups! If anyone asks we of course leave out the baby part, but hopefully that is something we can say we'll both have soon!
• Hubby's Promotion - Really this is more for him than me, but it would be huge for us! Hubby found out at the end of the year there would be an opening for the position above him. Now hubby works at a major bank, and due to tons of layoffs he's been doing the work of about 3 people including the person above him who was let go. He SO deserves this promotion, but he would be one of the youngest people in his region to be at this level. And because of corporate politic bs they're making him post (interview) for the position rather than just giving it to him, which means other people can post for the position. I know he will rock the interview, and they would be crazy not to give it to him since he's truly the hardest working person I know. Love ya baby!

So those are the main ones, and I must say they are pretty major. And although nothing is certain, and things are constantly changing...I'm pretty positive that big things are coming our way in 2010.