Hold Up & Hope

So the one thing I've learned from IF and TTC in general, is things never work out how you imagine. I try to cover every possible outcome in my head...and still things usually play out in that one scenario I didn't think of. When I got pregnant the first time, it happened on the cycle where I didn't even think I was ovulating. I even skipped a couple days of taking ovulation tests because I was getting so frustrated with my body, and then I came home from a whi.te sox game and really had to pee, so figured what the hell I'll take a test. And boom...pos opk on day 18 (every other cycle I had gotten it on CD 15/16). We obviously got busy that night, and 11 days later I got the shock of my life when I peed on a stick, jumped in the shower as hubby was getting out...and 2 min later I hear "OMG" and before I knew it he was back in the shower and the celebration began! In my wildest dreams I could have have imagined a better way to find out!

And after getting pregnant relatively easy on our own, I never ever dreamed down the road we'd be heading to the fertility clinic, or that after a year of TTC we still wouldn't be pregnant! The list goes on and on. So yesterday on CD 2 I went in for my baseline u/s and blood work. I thought I had mentally prepared myself for all the outcomes...worst case scenario would be some leftover cysts from the clomid forcing me to sit the next cycle out. So when the u/s technician told me both ovaries looked good, I thought I was for sure in the clear...lets go pick up my clomid!

So my nurse calls me yesterday afternoon, and instead of hearing the words "you're all set...you can begin your clomid tomorrow", she starts asking me how heavy my menstrual flow is. I told her fairly heavy today which is normal for me on CD 2. She explained there was a trace amount of HCG in my system (1.5) and my lining was still very thick. She then very casually stated Dr. S. wants you to sit this cycle out, and we'll resume next month. I love how she said it like that would be no big deal, like I was going to politely respond with "oh sure, no problem, thanks for calling." What I wanted to say was "Um, surely you must be out of your mind, take a break...we just got started, NO WAY LADY!!"

So I asked what the trace HCG meant, and she said its possible something connected but obviously didn't last for very long. My girlfriend who is an IF expert told me something can implant for as little as an hour and produce a residual amount of HCG. My nurse also explained my level has to be under 1 to start clomid (something I plan to google as soon as I'm done typing this). This irritated me even more...I'm only .5 away from being good to go, and they're going to scrap the whole cycle. So I assured her my period was very heavy, and could I please come back for u/s and blood work before I throw the month. She agreed I could come Friday, and assuming my level is under 1 I can start clomid on CD 4 instead. Now that seems like a fair trade, why couldn't she have started with that option?

In any case, I'm going in tomorrow morning and praying for no signs of HCG. But as annoying as taking a break would be, I'm going to take my little 1.5 of HCG and consider it a positive. My period was actually 3 days late (which I assumed was from the clomid), but maybe not? I know it needs to be over 25 to even be considered pregnant (and 1.5 seems like non-existent in my mind)...but I'm going to be positive and am hoping it means my body is trying. Hoping its trying to remember what it did back in April, come on...I know you can do it!!!