When Fiction Becomes Reality

So I think I've mentioned a time or two that my absolute most favorite show in the whole wide world is S.ex and the Ci.ty. I own every season, I watch the re-runs whenever there on...I made hubby go with me on opening night (my girlfriends and I saw it the following week too, but I couldn't wait), he was literally one of two guys in the entire theater...have I mentioned how much I love him. Not many would be willing to lose the amount of dignity he did that night!! So I've always pictured myself as more of a Carrie (you know we've all played that game), obviously my obsession for fashion, my long blonde hair, I'm kinda quirky like her. But who am I kidding, most people are either going to identify with Carrie or Charlotte...maybe Samantha if you live a bit more on the wild side.

In any case, I'm sure you guys all remember the scene where Charlotte is talking about how difficult it was to get pregnant, and with unfortunate timing Miranda confesses she is in fact preggers, and that it was a whoopsy baby at that. Charlotte then has a highly emotional outburst, and storms out of lunch. I remember thinking how over-dramatic Charlotte was being in that scene. Miranda didn't mean to get preggers, she herself said it...they had a lazy ovary and one ball, what were the chances! She certainly didn't DO this to Charlotte on purpose, why couldn't Charlotte just see that? Was it really that difficult. And then when they bumped into each other on the street, and Charlotte wouldn't even walk with her...I thought if I was Miranda I would so be out of there. But she didn't, she walked behind Charlotte the whole way home.

Well today I've found myself in Charlotte's shoes completely. And I can't say I acted much differently at all. Totally emotional, crying, to my shock it was so very painful. Today has truly been one of the harder days of this IF journey. And thinking back to that scene with Charlotte and Miranda, I see now with so much clarity how that news could be so heartbreaking, why Charlotte acted that way. Because when you want something so badly, and have done almost everything in your power to obtain it, with nothing to show for it, and than poof...someone gets that very same thing without even batting an eye...well, it just seems like the world is one effed up place.

I see now that Charlotte wasn't angry at Miranda for getting preggers, it really had nothing to do with Miranda at all. She was just scared for herself, of the uncertainty that comes along with IF, of that feeling of panic when you realize there are no guarantees. I know this feeling all too well. And the questions that follow thereafter, will that ever be me, will I ever have a baby, or have I just been forgotten. Because that's what it feels like right now. Obviously we all agree its not fair, why some people have it so easy, while the rest of us have to struggle so effing much. But on top of that I find myself wondering what I did, why this has to be my story, did I do something to deserve it...because I hate it. And while I now understand her reaction completely, I hate that I had to take the her role in this scene.

But here's the good news, I'm a strong girl...like any IFer is. Because if we weren't we wouldn't be able to deal with IF at all, and may not have the strength to continue to try month after month, and in many cases year after year. We wouldn't give ourself daily injections, shell out tons of cash, go through the heartache over and over again, if we didn't have the strength to believe our time will come. I said I was going to come back from Florida with a whole new attitude, and while this may have been a slight hiccup in my plan...I will not give up. If some higher force wants to really push me to the limit, well consider this a job well done...I've hit bottom and the only direction from here is up. I will not let IF break me, I will not give up.