Friday, March 12, 2010

When Fiction Becomes Reality


So I think I've mentioned a time or two that my absolute most favorite show in the whole wide world is S.ex and the Ci.ty. I own every season, I watch the re-runs whenever there on...I made hubby go with me on opening night (my girlfriends and I saw it the following week too, but I couldn't wait), he was literally one of two guys in the entire theater...have I mentioned how much I love him. Not many would be willing to lose the amount of dignity he did that night!! So I've always pictured myself as more of a Carrie (you know we've all played that game), obviously my obsession for fashion, my long blonde hair, I'm kinda quirky like her. But who am I kidding, most people are either going to identify with Carrie or Charlotte...maybe Samantha if you live a bit more on the wild side.

In any case, I'm sure you guys all remember the scene where Charlotte is talking about how difficult it was to get pregnant, and with unfortunate timing Miranda confesses she is in fact preggers, and that it was a whoopsy baby at that. Charlotte then has a highly emotional outburst, and storms out of lunch. I remember thinking how over-dramatic Charlotte was being in that scene. Miranda didn't mean to get preggers, she herself said it...they had a lazy ovary and one ball, what were the chances! She certainly didn't DO this to Charlotte on purpose, why couldn't Charlotte just see that? Was it really that difficult. And then when they bumped into each other on the street, and Charlotte wouldn't even walk with her...I thought if I was Miranda I would so be out of there. But she didn't, she walked behind Charlotte the whole way home.

Well today I've found myself in Charlotte's shoes completely. And I can't say I acted much differently at all. Totally emotional, crying, to my shock it was so very painful. Today has truly been one of the harder days of this IF journey. And thinking back to that scene with Charlotte and Miranda, I see now with so much clarity how that news could be so heartbreaking, why Charlotte acted that way. Because when you want something so badly, and have done almost everything in your power to obtain it, with nothing to show for it, and than poof...someone gets that very same thing without even batting an eye...well, it just seems like the world is one effed up place.

I see now that Charlotte wasn't angry at Miranda for getting preggers, it really had nothing to do with Miranda at all. She was just scared for herself, of the uncertainty that comes along with IF, of that feeling of panic when you realize there are no guarantees. I know this feeling all too well. And the questions that follow thereafter, will that ever be me, will I ever have a baby, or have I just been forgotten. Because that's what it feels like right now. Obviously we all agree its not fair, why some people have it so easy, while the rest of us have to struggle so effing much. But on top of that I find myself wondering what I did, why this has to be my story, did I do something to deserve it...because I hate it. And while I now understand her reaction completely, I hate that I had to take the her role in this scene.

But here's the good news, I'm a strong girl...like any IFer is. Because if we weren't we wouldn't be able to deal with IF at all, and may not have the strength to continue to try month after month, and in many cases year after year. We wouldn't give ourself daily injections, shell out tons of cash, go through the heartache over and over again, if we didn't have the strength to believe our time will come. I said I was going to come back from Florida with a whole new attitude, and while this may have been a slight hiccup in my plan...I will not give up. If some higher force wants to really push me to the limit, well consider this a job well done...I've hit bottom and the only direction from here is up. I will not let IF break me, I will not give up.

21 comments:

A said...

I'm so sorry you're having one of "those days"... (don't ask me how I'm dealing with the fact that I mustered a "Congratulations" to my college friend who is due with #2 in Sept, and she hasn't written me back (she knows we are trying)).... I love your new attitude though! The optimism/strength is so close to my heart. Hang in there- we will get through this!!

Kelly said...

I'm so sorry you're having a tough day. Those are the worst.

I'm a huge SATC fan also (and own all of them too!) but completely forgot about this episode. I remember thinking exactly as you did when I first watched it. Wow, how my life has changed.

Hang in there. We're all here for you. (((HUGS)))

Al said...

I love SATC, and that scene was probably one of the most memorable for me. I've always suspected I might have problems conceiving just because being a mother is the one thing I've always wanted, so I could relate to Charlotte's heartbreak even before I knew I was infertile.

I'm so sorry for the rough day, but you have a great attitude about this. You are strong and you will survive this. Here for you if you need anything.

AplusB said...

Oh, I remember that episode! I always thought I was a bit more Charlotte than Carrie, Samantha or Miranda...and now in more ways than I ever thought. You are STRONG and you will get through this and you won't give up. Hang in there today - I know these days are so hard.

Katie said...

I am a huge SATC fan, too, and I remember that scene. At the time, I'm sure I had similar thoughts to what you did. But now, things have taken on a whole new meeting. I'm sorry you had to be Charlotte today. Keep fighting, that's all we can do. Because you're right--there's nowhere to go from here but up.

(((hugs)))

suchagoodegg said...

Big hugs to you my friend. You are strong and you are putting one foot in front of the other...you are doing awesome! And I agree, at this point, it's YOUR story. Focus on you, be good to you, take care of you, put you in a position to succeed with your IVF...and I hope with all of my heart that you get the movie-esq finish to this story. :)

sienna said...

*hugs*!! i remember that episode too, and thinking that charlotte was a selfish b*tch. but now i can 100% identify with her. it's completely natural to feel the way you're feeling when a girlfriend gets pregnant. no one else will understand but some of us do :o)

try to think of ivf as getting you closer to that gorgeous baby you've been waiting for :o)

Erin said...

I didn't really understand that episode until I started dealing with IF. When I saw it again, it made me cry. It made me cry for me, and for my friends, and for everyone who has to walk on this thin little line of IF. It's hard for all of us...but we are so lucky to have each other.

Always here for you!

Just Me...C said...

First and foremost, this is such an amazing post. It's just so "real" and gut wrenchingly honest. Thank you for sharing it. I also remember this scene and recall thinking the same thing about Charlotte. Oddly enough I always liked her the most even though she is the one I am probably least like. In any event, it's a great reminder that we should not judge (really ever) but especially when we haven't walked in another's shoes (especially if they're Jimmy Choo or Louboutin :)
I am so very sorry you are having one of those days. We all have them and while they are brutal, a new day is just around the corner. Hang in there. Hugs!

Littlest True Blue said...

Way to go Charlotte! You rock. I love your post and I love your attitude. We are all allowed melt downs and to cry and be pissed off and scared! I'm so happy that florida revitalized you and has given you clear vision about how to live your life on a positive note! Awesome. I'm watching SATC right now ...I love Aiden and Carrie, Big just called while she is sleeping with Aiden making everything very awkward. Love this show, no matter how many times I see the episodes I get so into them!
LTB

Secret Sloper said...

Oh honey, I am crying for you right now. I hate that you are feeling so down and out. It just sucks.

I find myself thinking about that Charlotte storyline a lot-- especially the episode when she gets pregnant, has a miscarriage, and somehow pulls herself together to go to Brady's birthday party. I always identified with Charlotte and now I do more than ever. Thanks for reminding me of 1 show that actually portrayed the pain of IF and miscarriage realistically.

Hugs to you. You are strong and brave, and brighter days are ahead.

JC said...

Wow, I remember that episode. I'd forgotten that one until now. I never thought that would be me, but now look at me. I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. You have a great attitude though, you're at the bottom and there is no where to go but up. And you will go up!! And you will fight and do this and beat this shit!

Kim said...

I love your positive attitude. You always pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Nothing can get this girl down (for good). Thanks for sharing your inspiring story. You are absolutely right, there is nowhere but up to go.

Crossed Fingers said...

No you will not let it break you - YOU are more than IF and you have to cling to that sometimes. It's such a big part of your life right now and understandable why it hurts so much to hear about other people getting pregnant. You are becoming a stronger, more understanding and caring person by going through this test in life. You will be an amazing mother and cherish everything when it finally happens. *hugs* Keep on swimming

lowfatlady said...

*hugs* So sorry you had to hear a pregnancy announcement and had a sex in the city moment. You are strong though and you will overcome this.

Bean stalk ballads said...

I went away from the weekend (as you know I have had that kind of week too) just to be confronted with a "guess what shes pregnant" phone call.

I cried on the way home, and I said to Dee, I am not sure I can keep on doing this... and felt all the hope ebb out of me.

Then I came home, and I read your comment, and then I read your post. All I can say..is thank you, for being that one person who was able to touch me today. I believe today the universe sent you to me to remind me I will be ok... and I hope one day I can be that person for you, and best of all, that one day we will get the news we are both longing for so much.

Andrea said...

I relate! I realte to every word in this post. I'm a Charlotte kind of girl...and I lived that scene not so long ago. I looked at 2 prego friends and it sickened me, as I was prego before them both. One already has one child and the other was a woops, we wern't trying (said with a giggle) kind of thing. Left me in shreds, but that's just how the cookie crumbles sometimes. And, did I mention it sucks!

Anyway, you are right, you won't give in, your heart may hurt, but you WILL know success. Keep your eye on the prize and that relentless spirit! My sweet friend, you are going to MAKE IT :) And, I am going to be your personal cheerleader all the way to the finish line!!!

I'm jumping on your positivity train and nothing can stop us!

HUGS

Dear Diary said...

awww friend Im so sorry that you are feeling like that. Things will get better and you are a very STRONG woman!!!!! You will get pregnant!!!!!!!! So let's think positive and lots of good vibes for this cycle =)
By the way I loveeeeeeeeee Sex in the City, I have all their seasons. I was at Tiffanys in NY when the were filming the first scene of the movie and Sarah Jessica Parker walked in!! She was a foot away from me, I was the happiest girl in the world!!

Jennifer said...

So sorry you are having a bad day. I remember that episode too and thought the same thing at the time. Wow..how perspective changes things, huh?!
Loving your positivity. Don't give up...IF will NOT break you! ((HUGS))

wait, what? said...

I know exactly what you mean about now understanding Charlotte's reaction (though I generally hate the way they dealt with IF on the show). I recently posted about SATC myself and the idea of giving ourselves IVF showers:

http://waitwhatbabies.blogspot.com/2010/02/showers-of-hope.html

I look forward to following your journey!

The Baby Race said...

I swear I watch this episode of SATC every week. It just feels so very much like what I'm going through right now. When I hear someone is pregnant, I'm not mad at them, I'm just so distraught for myself and not knowing if I'll ever get there.

People always said I was a Charlotte, but after the crying on the street and the acupuncture and the marriage conversion stuff, I REALLY feel like her!