Blogging from Sunny Florida

Today is the last full day of vacay (we fly home tomorrow), and honestly this trip could not have come at a better time. Hubby and I have never needed to just get away more than right now. Although, I shouldn't say we've totally disconnected from regular life...as I'm on the couch blogging, and hubby is right next to me working on his laptop. But, we played golf the last two days, laid out poolside with coronas in hand, went bike riding, went to fun dinners, and in an hour I'm off for a mani/pedi with my mom. Ahh, please can I stay?!?

I wasn't planning on blogging, but did want to thank you all for the amazing support you have given me month after month of less than stellar news. So often with IF I feel all alone, but you all remind me that is so not the case. So thank you thank you thank you, for hanging with me on this IF journey. I did come to a semi-conclusion yesterday. Something about having three chemical pregnancies out of four medicated cycles was just not sitting well with me (please raise your hand if this seems crazy to you too). Actually, it was freaking the crap out of me...like how is that even possible, is my body literally rejecting pregnancy???

But, I kept thinking about the numbers...the HCG levels are always SO low. The first month 1.5, the third month 9, and this month 4.5. Wouldn't it seem that one month we might hit a double digit here? I asked the nurse when she called on Thursday to confirm my level had returned to 0, if there was anyway these numbers could just be residual hcg from my trigger shot, and she said absolutely. At first I told myself I should look at a chemical like things are trying to happen here so in essence it was a good thing, but the thought of recurring chemicals sounds terrifying and more importantly not fixable. Especially when you're about to embark down the IVF road. I would honestly almost feel better if nothing was happening month after month, because at least I'd know IVF would solve the problem of the sperm and egg meeting. Whereas, if I've had three chemicals and implantation is my problem...I don't think that is a sure fire fix with IVF.

I'm know I'm really just dealing with the lesser of two evils here...but when the nurse said absolutely I felt some relief. She also told me there is really no way to know, and I of course plan to ask my Dr. about this at my IVF consult a week from this Monday. But for now, I'm sticking with this theory, I'm not going to be the girl with all the chemicals...I'm going to be the girl with some pretty bad luck in the IUI department.

That's all, and when I get home on Monday I'm going to have a whole new attitude and mindset. This last month I've been feeling especially sorry for myself, and honestly that feels yucky and I'm over it. I'm sure hubby could use a break from consoling my hysterical over dramatic outbursts too (though he would never admit it). This month its all about mentally and physically preparing myself for IVF. We basically have a mini-break of three weeks with no appts or monitoring, inseminations, so I fully plan to take advantage of that in every way possible!!! And when I get home tomorrow I fully plan to catch up on everyone's blogs!!