Friday, March 5, 2010

Blogging from Sunny Florida

Today is the last full day of vacay (we fly home tomorrow), and honestly this trip could not have come at a better time. Hubby and I have never needed to just get away more than right now. Although, I shouldn't say we've totally disconnected from regular I'm on the couch blogging, and hubby is right next to me working on his laptop. But, we played golf the last two days, laid out poolside with coronas in hand, went bike riding, went to fun dinners, and in an hour I'm off for a mani/pedi with my mom. Ahh, please can I stay?!?

I wasn't planning on blogging, but did want to thank you all for the amazing support you have given me month after month of less than stellar news. So often with IF I feel all alone, but you all remind me that is so not the case. So thank you thank you thank you, for hanging with me on this IF journey. I did come to a semi-conclusion yesterday. Something about having three chemical pregnancies out of four medicated cycles was just not sitting well with me (please raise your hand if this seems crazy to you too). Actually, it was freaking the crap out of how is that even possible, is my body literally rejecting pregnancy???

But, I kept thinking about the numbers...the HCG levels are always SO low. The first month 1.5, the third month 9, and this month 4.5. Wouldn't it seem that one month we might hit a double digit here? I asked the nurse when she called on Thursday to confirm my level had returned to 0, if there was anyway these numbers could just be residual hcg from my trigger shot, and she said absolutely. At first I told myself I should look at a chemical like things are trying to happen here so in essence it was a good thing, but the thought of recurring chemicals sounds terrifying and more importantly not fixable. Especially when you're about to embark down the IVF road. I would honestly almost feel better if nothing was happening month after month, because at least I'd know IVF would solve the problem of the sperm and egg meeting. Whereas, if I've had three chemicals and implantation is my problem...I don't think that is a sure fire fix with IVF.

I'm know I'm really just dealing with the lesser of two evils here...but when the nurse said absolutely I felt some relief. She also told me there is really no way to know, and I of course plan to ask my Dr. about this at my IVF consult a week from this Monday. But for now, I'm sticking with this theory, I'm not going to be the girl with all the chemicals...I'm going to be the girl with some pretty bad luck in the IUI department.

That's all, and when I get home on Monday I'm going to have a whole new attitude and mindset. This last month I've been feeling especially sorry for myself, and honestly that feels yucky and I'm over it. I'm sure hubby could use a break from consoling my hysterical over dramatic outbursts too (though he would never admit it). This month its all about mentally and physically preparing myself for IVF. We basically have a mini-break of three weeks with no appts or monitoring, inseminations, so I fully plan to take advantage of that in every way possible!!! And when I get home tomorrow I fully plan to catch up on everyone's blogs!!


Andrea said...

Hey Cutie Pie :)

SO happy that you were able to let your toes tickle the sand and soak up some suds and rays! It's a breath of fresh air to go and just "be". Oh, and can I say that I love riding bikes at the beash! There is just something magical about the salty air and the way it feels on your sking.

As for the new attitude, this process is so incredibly taxing. Just yesterday when a friend said "relax and it will happen" I became defensive and said "its not like that, it doesn't just happen, ther is so much more" I followed that statement with "I'm over it!" Actualy, I'm not over it, but do have to return to some part of life outside this uncertainty....get my groove back :) You will get yours back too.

Best of luck at your IVF consult and know that I'll be thinking of you my kndred spirit.

More than anything, thank you for the sweet words and kind thoughts on my last post. You are the BEST!

Many go have some Starbucks! It serves as my happy medicine lately :)

Andrea said...

Okay...I meant to say Beach and the way the salty air feels on your skin.


Littlest True Blue said...

yeah! so happy to hear from you and that you are having a great trip! Keep up that awesome attitude! Enjoy your last day!
:) LTB

Wishing 4 One said...

So glad to read your livin it up and enjoying yourselves in FL. I just went for the first time in Dec while I was back in the US and I must say I am love with Miami. I was just there overnight, but so plan to spend some time there someday. Great attitude girl, IF sucks bad and is a real bitch but we must try to beat her. I'm going to send you an email in a few days....

Anonymous said...

So glad your having an awesome time in FL. I need some warm and sunshine myself. The trigger shot usually goes away about 10 days or so. Are you testing before that time? I really hope that IVF does the trick for you and that you get more than double numbers for your beta soon.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you had a great time and got to relax and do fun things. Thanks for being there for me too =). It means a lot. I hope you enjoy a few weeks off before you start IVF. And I'm hoping and praying this is IT!!!!!

Shanny said...

I'm so glad Florida took good care of you =)

And IVF? it will be your ticket, its overwhelming, I know, but so worth it. I'll be praying for this to be THE answer!

Anonymous said...

It's so great to hear from you! I'm glad you had a wonderful time here in sunny Florida and that you were able to relax and really enjoy your time away.

Thank you for being there for me, too. The blogging world has really been like a family for me, and you've been a big part of that. So I return the thanks. :)

And I am really excited for your upcoming consult. I know how overwhelming it must feel, but I have high hopes that everything will work out great and that this will be IT! We're right here behind you.

Have a safe trip home!

Dear Diary said...

Great that you had an awesome trip here in Florida. I'm sorry for the bad news but look at the positive side. Next month may be your month. Im also waiting for 3 weeks since I have a few cyst on my right ovary. So Im trying to keep myself busy busy busy, working out, dinner with friends, little project around the house ect. You should do the same, so you don't think about it for 3 weeks. Good luck!

Jennifer said...

Sounds like a great trip...being able to relax is a definite plus! Hoping your IVF meeting goes well and it is a successful cycle! Come on baby!

sienna said...

hey - i'm glad you got some fun in the sun :o) this chemical pregnancy thing is a mystery indeed, but don't think that bc it happened to you few times with iui, that it'll happen again with ivf. it's a different $hitshow, and your odds are sooo much better, so have faith. almost there!

on a side note, love your online boutique. when i'm not feeling fat anymore, i plan on going on a shopping spree on it!! *hugs*

Crossed Fingers said...

I'm glad you're relaxing and chilling out! I'm also glad you've taken that time to wrap your head around everything think things through. I hope your doctor can lead you in the right direction for you guys!