1st Round Results Are In

Okay, so I'm doing MUCH better in my IVF brackets than my NCAA ones. Geez, this is like the year of b-ball upsets, huh? Not great for my brackets (since I pretty much went with my winning theory of last year's pick the favs), but it honestly makes it so fun...I love pulling for the underdog! But in my IVF bracket I'm 2/2...which means I got my period today! I've literally never been so happy to see blood, and I'm praying this is the last time I'll ever have to wish for my period to come! But it's here and I called and made my first official monitoring appointment for Thursday morning, and if I'm good to go I'll start Folli.stim that night, whoohoo...let the games begin!!

In other news this weekend I had Sunday brunch with Egg from SuchAGoodEgg, Erin from stateiamin, A from aplusbwaitingforc, Al from missionmotherhood, and A from thebabyrace. It was such a blast, I was seriously looking forward to it all week long. As many of these ladies have posted on their blogs...if there is a silver lining at all for dealing with IF, creating my blog which in turn led me to meeting these amazing women is definitely it!! We chatted for hours, literally...and I just feel so lucky to have them in my life now!! As same goes for all of you, I seriously don't know how I would be getting through all this IF crap each month if it weren't for your awesome support. Thanks for cheering me along, especially as we get going with IVF! Means the world to me, really!!

April Madness

No I didn't get that month wrong, but in this post (my 50th I might add) I'm going to attempt to take a stab at estimating the VIP dates of the IVF cycle. I mean why not have a little fun why I'm injecting myself daily with meds. And for the record I absolutely love March Madness, and if I toot my own horn am pretty frickin good at random guessing! Last year I actually won my dad's office pool, which has like 50 people in it. Actually I dominated the pool, let's just say I had every one of the elite 8 correct, can we say unheard of. Last year was also the first year that all the top seeded teams made it to the elite 8, yes I tend to pick the favs (a girly thing to do my little bro has told me)....but whatever. They announced me the winner before the final game because nobody could even catch me at that point.

And let's take the a step further. March Madness may be my second favorite time of the year after xmas. Growing up my family went to Hilton Head, SC for every spring break...my absolute most favorite place on earth (after maybe Hawaii). But I have so many amazing memories from all those years of trips. Hubby and I have even gone back a few times with friends on our own and my parents a couple times, and someday we've decided that Hilton Head will be our spring break choice for our family. And what always occurred over the week we were there, the finals of the NCAA tourney. So I've seriously been doing this for like 20 years and I love it!!! I really don't even like sports, but something about doing the brackets takes me back to when I was a kid with the fam in Hilton Head rooting for my picks for a chance for bragging rights of winning the pool!

So back to IVF. I went in for my cd21 monitoring appointment today, and am just waiting for the call from my nurse that all systems are a go. And the u/s lady told me I had 12 follies on one side, and 14 on the other...she said they liked over achievers on "this side" (the IVF side) of my clinic. Yay, I most certainly hope to over achieve this cycle, but not over stim!! I start Lu.pron tomorrow, period is expected 5-7 days after I start Lu.pron. Then I have a baseline cd3 monitoring appointment, and folli.stim starts that night. The tricky part is guessing how long I'll be on folli.stim, which is whenever my follies are ready.


So here is my April madness bracket:

3/26 - start Lu.pron (this is an easy one, hah)
3/30 - AF or CD 1 (this may be a day or two early, but I frickin hope it comes fast)
4/1 - CD3 and start Folli.stim
4/5 - she said I come in on day 4/5 of stims...so I'm going with 5.
4/8 - trigger...so this assumes I would only be on stims for 8 days, BUT I just think I'll be fast...based on all my other previous cycles.
4/10 - ER
4/14 - Transfer (hopefully we get a 5dt, and I'm not sure if you count the ER day or not)
4/23 - Beta???

So those are my VIP April Madness date picks. We will see how close I come to my predictions here. And here is the really freaky thing. I know there's no way to predict these dates (even if I was a crazy psychic last year in my NCAA brackets), but if I'm even a little on target...last year I got my one and only BFP on 4/24 (my half bday). So how insane after all these cycles that my IVF beta would line up almost to that date exactly one year later. I have to say, it honestly gives me some weird hope. I will always fondly remember that day (May 13th on the other hand I have a serious issue with), but 4/24 is music to my ears. And the thought of that day approaching, one year later, and the stars aligning just right gives me hope that maybe 4/24 will once again be my most favorite day of the year!!!

Finding Balance

So I feel like lately in the blogosphere there has been a theme of finding balance in your life, and not letting IF control your life. And I think I could definitely benefit from the type of mindset. Because if I'm being honest I have failed miserably over the last few months. But I can't help wondering how I find this balance, when my life is consumed with ultrasounds, blood tests, organizing my life around my trigger shots and iui's. I think most people agree when you're dealing with IF these types of things have to become some sort of priority, or you wouldn't be dealing with them in the first place.

But even so, I have to remind myself that IF is just one part of my life. And while it may feel life consuming right now, I am still in control, and at the end of the day that level of consumption is up to me. Plus I'm a very busy girl, day job, my website, starting a jewelry business, blogging, possibly tearing my house down this year and working on the plans...so you would think I have enough to keep my mind off IF. But yet when I find myself with free time, I always seem fall into the IF trap.

However, keeping my mind off IF isn't really the goal either. Hubby and I are trying to have a baby, this decision alone warrants some attention. And on top of that we're now doing IVF, a very big decision that will demand even more of my time. Who can fault me for putting a big portion of my energy and focus into ensuring this is the best cycle possible. IF is a part of who I am now, so while I don't want it to control my everyday life, I also don't want to pretend like it doesn't exist in my world. So my question is how do I balance?

I think I read in my IVF packet that dealing with stress effectively was a key to reducing it. They said that stress is normal, and let's face it the chances of me not stressing during this IVF cycle are slim to none. But you can manage it, they suggested setting a specific time every day to deal with any concerns/questions you're dealing with. This sounds good in theory, but take this weekend...I started spotting, am I really going to wait for my "allotted time" before I started psycho googling breakthrough bleeding...hell no!

So my question is what is the answer, is there one, or is this just another thing about IF that I have to just deal with? I'm determined to find the answer, figure out a way to balance my life. Because if there's anything I've learned from being on the pill these last couple weeks, is that life before IF was pretty frickin good. No dr. appts, no cycle planning (okay, so I've totally been counting down the day, but whateva), no twwing, just enjoying my life with the hubs!! So now I'm determined not to be the IVF girl, but instead just be a girl that had to do IVF.

Step one of my goal was making massage appointments this weekend for the hubs and myself. I'm so excited, hubby has never had a massage so he doesn't even realize the treat he's in for! Its so the last thing we need to spend money on right now, but I'm looking at it like this is the last weekend before we really get going here, we're on the cusp of what could be the most exciting month of our lives! So why not kick it off with some good old fashioned quality time! But I would love to hear your thoughts, any tips for finding a balance, before my scale completely tips!!!

Red Alert & Priority Alert

First off, welcome ICLWer's!! Thanks for stopping by, let me give you a quick summary of our journey so far! Started trying in January '09, got pregnant on our own in April '09 only to miscarry in May at 6w2d. After several months of nothing happening, we saw an RE and have since completed 4 IUI's (3 on clo.mid, 1 on injectibles) all BFN. A couple may have been chemicals, but I'm not sure they just weren't residual hcg trigger shot left in my system. In any case, due to my responding too well on the 50 iu's of follistim my RE recommended we move on to IVF. Right now I have one last week of birth control before we really get going here!

So this weekend has been a busy one for us! We had three birthdays between hubby and my family in the last week, my mom, his dad and sister. Friday night we were getting ready for dinner with my parents, and all of the sudden I felt a bit crampy. I was blow drying my hair thinking, geez it seriously feel like I'm going to get my period. I go to the bathroom, and BOOM...red alert red alert, I'm frickin bleeding! And not just your harmless spotting...not full out period, but enough to cause a major panic.

I of course assumed the worst that this was of course my period, and now the whole cycle is ruined and I would have to be on birth control for three more weeks!!! And also freaking because it was 6:00pm on a Friday, and of course I had to start bleeding after my RE's office closed. Hubby attempted to calm me down, and I psycho googled bleeding on the pill on our way to dinner. My findings confirmed that breakthrough bleeding while on the pill is very common, especially if you're just starting it. This calmed me down enough to make it through the night, but man...I thought the three weeks on bc would be the easy part, hah!

So that morning I woke up, still spotting/bleeding, but at least it hadn't gotten worse. I promptly called the on call nurse who reassured me it was totally normal, and told me to start popping two birth control pills and refill the prescription to get me through the week. She also said I would still get my period once I stopped the pills, so I felt so much better after getting off the phone with her.

Which brings me to my next alert of the weekend...priority alert! Saturday morning we also received my IVF meds shipment! Although I probably should have been crying, as I knew the box was filled with meds that will wreak havoc on my body and emotional state, all of which are given through the 42 syringes inside...I still felt like a kid on Christ.mas day as I ripped it open, and neatly organized all my meds on the counter! Mostly I just wanted to get my IVF rite of passage pics...aka, holy crap look all this sh*t I'm going to inject into myself in attempt to make a baby...I have to document this!!! I know you've seen them before but here they are.

I won't bore you with the details of what they'll all be used for. But I feel like I'm just one step closer to starting this process! Thursday I go in for b/w and u/s and to review my meds calendar with my nurse. And if all goes well I think I start the Lu.pron injections on Friday to overlap with the last three days of birth control. This break has been nice and probably needed, but I really think I'm ready for IVF now...and so anxious to make it to the other side with a frickin BFP!!!

We go together like PB&J

So the other day my hubby said maybe the cutest thing ever to me. He told me that every morning when he make the pb&j's for our lunches, that after he's done he looks to see which one is the better sandwich...the one he would want, and then gives that one to me. Awwwee, my heart melted right there. Such a little thing but it just totally sums up my guy. He's awesome, he's my best friend, and we just go together...like perfectly, if that makes sense. And I feel lucky every single day that he's mine!

For starters, he's not technically a morning person...but does deal better in the am than I do. So hubby gets up every morning, does his morning routine, feeds the pups, makes our lunches, comes back up and gets me up...sometimes he literally has to drag me out of bed (I shower at night so I can just brush my teeth and go), and I come downstairs and he lays everything I might need by my purse because my brain usually isn't functioning, since I woke up about 5 min. ago. He's amazing, he does this every morning and never complains! If the roles were reversed I know I would be bitching every day!

Hubby is also incredibly hard working, it amazes me how much effort he puts into his job. Most nights he doesn't get home until 7, and then he works most of the night on his laptop...not every night thankfully...but he puts in a lot of hours. The hard work has most certainly paid off, as he was just recently promoted and was the youngest person to reach this particular level so quickly. And while he enjoys his job, I know a big driving force is him wanting to be able to support me, and hopefully one day our future family.

And on top of all this, he's just the nicest guy you've ever met and would literally do anything for anyone. I mean he went to the frickin premiere of s.ex in the c.ity with me, even though I was seeing it three days later with the girls...need I say more? And all of these things just make it that much harder every month when we get a BFN. This guy is seriously meant to be a daddy, you should see him with our dogs. When Bella had surgery he worked from home the whole week and sat by her side all day every day. He's patient, and understanding, and is so excited about creating this amazing life for our future family. He so deserves it, which is why every month not only does it break my heart we aren't pregnant, but that I can't give this to him.

As we head to the next step of this journey I know he'll continue to be the amazing supportive hubby he's been so far. Dealing with IF takes a toll on the hubby sometimes in a very different way than for us...and I'm sure a lot of guys out there would not be so willing to deal with all the bs that goes along with fertility treatments, but luckily I got one who is. And I value that immensely. He'll give me every single shot without batting an eye, and will do everything in his power to make this process as easy on me as possible. And all I can hope is that at the end of this we finally get that BFP, because I'm frickin dying to have this man's babies!!

So I just want to say thank you, for being there, being my rock, remaining optimistic at the times I no longer can, and reminding me every day just how lucky I really am. Love you baby.

***Oh, and just to clarify my RE isn't Dr. Kaplan (G&B's RE), mine just works in the same practice as him!

IVF Consult

For starters, sorry this is a long one, but I have a very cool side story so just keep reading!!

So this morning at 7:30am I went to my official IVF consult. We were given our packet of info at our last appointment, and hubby and I sat down and reviewed everything yesterday. Going through the paperwork alone was overwhelming. I never thought about it, but when you're planning on hopefully freezing embryos you need to decide what to do with them, if a) something were to happen to me b) something were to happen to hubby c) something were to happen to both of us and d) if we get divorced. Not a super fun conversation to have, but I guess just another thing that comes along with IF.

In any case after going through all the paperwork and coming up with our list of questions we felt ready to go. This morning the Dr. basically went through a very detailed explanation of each part of the process. Again, this was very overwhelming. Its funny because before I knew anything about IF procedures...I always thought of IVF being the slam dunk procedure. Sure I knew there were a bunch of shots you had to give yourself, but why wouldn't anyone do that when it guaranteed you a baby. Boy was a I wrong.

Yes, the success rates of very high. But there are about a million things that could go wrong with any IVF cycle, some that may actually prevent you from getting to perform the IVF cycle. That's probably my worst fear right now, going down this path only to have the cycle cancelled, which after meeting with my Dr. is a valid concern. He said since I'm young, and responded very well to drugs I have a higher chance of over stimulation (which is actually a very serious problem to have). He said he's planning to start me out on a lower than usual dose, but it's really a guessing game of getting that correct formula of drugs that is perfect for my body. And until he sees how I react, it's really a guessing game until he hits the sweet spot.

We went through all my questions, and one of which was regarding a sheet of blood tests we needed to get prior to IVF. I was asking him if this was necessary since we've already completed all of these tests, and he informed us this was really for people who were coming to the clinic for the first time and were going straight to IVF. Now here's my super fun side note...when he said that he mentioned there is a particular Dr. at the clinic that tells everyone to do IVF no matter what. And this is so random, but leads me to my side story...my fav show Giu.liana & Bill's season finale was on last night (which was so good by the way)!

***Spoiler alert ***

They find out their IUI was unsuccessful and the Dr. recommends they see a fertility specialist about IVF. When they go to this appointment in the upper corner of the tv they flash the name of my fertility clinic!!! Hubby thinks I'm just like Giu.liana in terms of fertility stuff, and I totally think hubby is like Bill (I told hubby last night that if we get pregnant and they get pregnant we are SO being them for halloween, other options are Jack & Kate from lost, or Coach and Coach's wife from Friday night lights. Don't ask my why I'm planning Halloween costumes now, and hubby has vetoed all of these anyways, but c'mon...how cute would that be)...so we got weirdly excited about them going to our clinic!!

Anyways, I asked my Dr. if it was Dr. K who tells everyone to do IVF, and the only reason I asked was because that's who G&B saw on their show last night. And he said, oh just wait until next season...we're going to be on it all the time. And I told him they were recently on the view and said they were starting their IVF cycle soon. And he said oh yah, they were here on Friday filming! So now I'm seriously hoping I see them in the waiting room, how cool would that be?!?

Okay, so enough of my celebrity obsession and back to IVF. We finished up the consult, and then met with the nurse to witness all the important signatures and that was it. I now just need to call and have the other nurse order my meds, and hubby has to go in to give a sample to freeze for backup purposes. But then I'm just waiting to start Lu.pron. I have 2 more weeks of bc, and you overlap with Lu.pron the last few days.

On one hand I'm so excited, and can't wait to get this show on the road. I have high expectations because I have responded so well in the past, but this also worries me because obviously responding well hasn't equated to a baby. I'm very nervous about all the different outcomes there are, overstimming, canceling the cycle, retrieving no eggs, having a low number of embryos, having low quality embryos, having no embryos to freeze, giving myself all these shots, the PIO shots (my dr. has mentioned a couple times these hurt, especially if you don't have a little meat back there which I'm not kidding when I say I have no ass...like in a bad way non-sexy kinda way...its like my back continues straight down into my legs, hahah). At the end of the day its amazing we have the technology to do this...but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't beyond scared to venture down this path. I'm just so thankful I have an amazing support system, and feel relieved you guys will be there every step of the way!

When Fiction Becomes Reality

So I think I've mentioned a time or two that my absolute most favorite show in the whole wide world is S.ex and the Ci.ty. I own every season, I watch the re-runs whenever there on...I made hubby go with me on opening night (my girlfriends and I saw it the following week too, but I couldn't wait), he was literally one of two guys in the entire theater...have I mentioned how much I love him. Not many would be willing to lose the amount of dignity he did that night!! So I've always pictured myself as more of a Carrie (you know we've all played that game), obviously my obsession for fashion, my long blonde hair, I'm kinda quirky like her. But who am I kidding, most people are either going to identify with Carrie or Charlotte...maybe Samantha if you live a bit more on the wild side.

In any case, I'm sure you guys all remember the scene where Charlotte is talking about how difficult it was to get pregnant, and with unfortunate timing Miranda confesses she is in fact preggers, and that it was a whoopsy baby at that. Charlotte then has a highly emotional outburst, and storms out of lunch. I remember thinking how over-dramatic Charlotte was being in that scene. Miranda didn't mean to get preggers, she herself said it...they had a lazy ovary and one ball, what were the chances! She certainly didn't DO this to Charlotte on purpose, why couldn't Charlotte just see that? Was it really that difficult. And then when they bumped into each other on the street, and Charlotte wouldn't even walk with her...I thought if I was Miranda I would so be out of there. But she didn't, she walked behind Charlotte the whole way home.

Well today I've found myself in Charlotte's shoes completely. And I can't say I acted much differently at all. Totally emotional, crying, to my shock it was so very painful. Today has truly been one of the harder days of this IF journey. And thinking back to that scene with Charlotte and Miranda, I see now with so much clarity how that news could be so heartbreaking, why Charlotte acted that way. Because when you want something so badly, and have done almost everything in your power to obtain it, with nothing to show for it, and than poof...someone gets that very same thing without even batting an eye...well, it just seems like the world is one effed up place.

I see now that Charlotte wasn't angry at Miranda for getting preggers, it really had nothing to do with Miranda at all. She was just scared for herself, of the uncertainty that comes along with IF, of that feeling of panic when you realize there are no guarantees. I know this feeling all too well. And the questions that follow thereafter, will that ever be me, will I ever have a baby, or have I just been forgotten. Because that's what it feels like right now. Obviously we all agree its not fair, why some people have it so easy, while the rest of us have to struggle so effing much. But on top of that I find myself wondering what I did, why this has to be my story, did I do something to deserve it...because I hate it. And while I now understand her reaction completely, I hate that I had to take the her role in this scene.

But here's the good news, I'm a strong girl...like any IFer is. Because if we weren't we wouldn't be able to deal with IF at all, and may not have the strength to continue to try month after month, and in many cases year after year. We wouldn't give ourself daily injections, shell out tons of cash, go through the heartache over and over again, if we didn't have the strength to believe our time will come. I said I was going to come back from Florida with a whole new attitude, and while this may have been a slight hiccup in my plan...I will not give up. If some higher force wants to really push me to the limit, well consider this a job well done...I've hit bottom and the only direction from here is up. I will not let IF break me, I will not give up.

The IF Girl's Guide to Being on BC While TTC

Hey everyone, I made it back home and since Monday I've just been trying to catch up on everything. My job, my business, blogging, my house, I seriously need a few more days of vacation just so I can get back in the swing of things. But we flew in Monday morning, and literally went straight to my baseline appt. For once I thought, I could care less what shows up since I knew I'd be starting bc anyways...well I must have forgotten that nothing with IF is predictable. The u/s showed 4 cysts...2 on each side that were all around 30mm (wtf). So I have to say that freaked me out a little, and thank goodness I wasn't hoping to cycle again this month or the u/s lady might have witnessed the tantrum of all tantrums!!! hahah.

But the nurse called later that day and said the cysts didn't matter and go ahead and start birth control that night. I have to say, I found it semi-humorous to be taking birth control now after all that's happened. I mean I get it's part of the protocol, but still it feels so weird to pull it out of my purse everyday and pop that little pill like I use to back in college. Of course back in college I'd get lazy and miss a couple, and then was terrified I had gotten pregnant...ahhh perspective.

In any case, I'm literally counting the days until I'm done with this part of the cycle...i'm not good at waiting, for anything. Just ask my mom, or my husband who will tell you when I'm ready for something I go full force until I make that goal a reality. But for now, I'm forced to wait...but don't you worry cause I've got my game plan...STAY BUSY. Very very busy, in hopes these next few weeks fly by. Here's the plan:

Monday 3/8: baseline appt
Tuesday 3/9: back at work, work dinner
Wednesday 3/10: clean house, grocery shop, catch up on shows from last night like LOST
Thursday 3/11: cleaning lady for deep spring cleaning
Friday 3/12: payday, quiet night with hubby, steam clothes for upcoming photo shoot
Saturday 3/13: unofficial St. Patty's day (where I will be mostly fake drinking) but still super fun
Sunday 3/14: website photo shoot, edit pics all day, complete IVF paperwork
Monday 3/15: 7:30am IVF consult with Dr. S, 2:30pm new acupuncturist consult
Tuesday 3/16: boring Tuesday, except for Lost
Wednesday 3/17: St. Patty's day and father-in-laws bday which means yearly celebration at fun Irish restaurant
Thursday 3/18: I got nothing, oh...tons of shows
Friday 3/19: it's Friday, YAY
Saturday 3/20: Mom's birthday, another celebration
Sunday 3/21 - Saturday 3/27: need to start planning some fun stuff ASAP
Sunday 3/28: Chicago bloggie brunch, last day of birth control!!!

So luckily this month I happen to be pretty busy. I may even splurge and go get a massage or something before we really get going here. Oh, and in preparation for my IVF consult...does anyone out there have any "must ask" questions? I have a few, but this all happened so fast and I have this terrible feeling I'm going to go in there...think to myself omg, am I really at an IVF consult right now, freak the eff out and totally freeze up. So any bits of advice would be SO appreciated!!! Thanks girls!

Blogging from Sunny Florida

Today is the last full day of vacay (we fly home tomorrow), and honestly this trip could not have come at a better time. Hubby and I have never needed to just get away more than right now. Although, I shouldn't say we've totally disconnected from regular life...as I'm on the couch blogging, and hubby is right next to me working on his laptop. But, we played golf the last two days, laid out poolside with coronas in hand, went bike riding, went to fun dinners, and in an hour I'm off for a mani/pedi with my mom. Ahh, please can I stay?!?

I wasn't planning on blogging, but did want to thank you all for the amazing support you have given me month after month of less than stellar news. So often with IF I feel all alone, but you all remind me that is so not the case. So thank you thank you thank you, for hanging with me on this IF journey. I did come to a semi-conclusion yesterday. Something about having three chemical pregnancies out of four medicated cycles was just not sitting well with me (please raise your hand if this seems crazy to you too). Actually, it was freaking the crap out of me...like how is that even possible, is my body literally rejecting pregnancy???

But, I kept thinking about the numbers...the HCG levels are always SO low. The first month 1.5, the third month 9, and this month 4.5. Wouldn't it seem that one month we might hit a double digit here? I asked the nurse when she called on Thursday to confirm my level had returned to 0, if there was anyway these numbers could just be residual hcg from my trigger shot, and she said absolutely. At first I told myself I should look at a chemical like things are trying to happen here so in essence it was a good thing, but the thought of recurring chemicals sounds terrifying and more importantly not fixable. Especially when you're about to embark down the IVF road. I would honestly almost feel better if nothing was happening month after month, because at least I'd know IVF would solve the problem of the sperm and egg meeting. Whereas, if I've had three chemicals and implantation is my problem...I don't think that is a sure fire fix with IVF.

I'm know I'm really just dealing with the lesser of two evils here...but when the nurse said absolutely I felt some relief. She also told me there is really no way to know, and I of course plan to ask my Dr. about this at my IVF consult a week from this Monday. But for now, I'm sticking with this theory, I'm not going to be the girl with all the chemicals...I'm going to be the girl with some pretty bad luck in the IUI department.

That's all, and when I get home on Monday I'm going to have a whole new attitude and mindset. This last month I've been feeling especially sorry for myself, and honestly that feels yucky and I'm over it. I'm sure hubby could use a break from consoling my hysterical over dramatic outbursts too (though he would never admit it). This month its all about mentally and physically preparing myself for IVF. We basically have a mini-break of three weeks with no appts or monitoring, inseminations, so I fully plan to take advantage of that in every way possible!!! And when I get home tomorrow I fully plan to catch up on everyone's blogs!!

Cheaters Never Win

I cheated and took a test yesterday after I got home from work. I never test early, I don't why I did it. And to my total shock there was a line, very very faint but it was definitely there. So I moved my beta to today, woke up this morning and did another test which was lighter than the previous day. Expecting the worst, my nurse called and confirmed my fears...hcg 4.5 and progesterone 6.

I now have to find a place in Florida to get follow-up blood work done on Thursday, my nurse stated to see if it goes up or down. I'm sorry, but there is no way its going up. I almost think its mean of her to even say, let's just call this what it is...another chemical.

My heart is breaking. I am scared and frustrated. I feel broken.