Monitoring Appt - Confused and Upset

So Christmas has come and gone way too fast, which seems to happen every year. But this year I knew once it was over I could look forward to my second IUI...the one I most certainly thought would do the trick and get me that 2010 BFP. But of course with all things IF, things at my monitoring appointment did not go as expected...and completely ruined my positive outlook.

Today was cd 14, which looking back now seems a tad late for a monitoring appointment. But last cycle I went in on cd 13 (also a Monday), and this cycle I started clomid a day late so I thought nothing of it when the nurse told me to come in on the 28th. So this morning bright and early hubby and I headed downtown to the dr. office. We went in the for the ultrasound and she said I had two large follies on the right (instantly I'm thinking oh YAY maybe I'll have more than 2 this cycle), but turns out my left ovary wimped out and only had little guys. I asked for the measurements (something they didn't offer up last cycle) and she said 29 & 23.

Not having done much research on follicle count, I immediately thought this sounded great and was relieved to have 2 again this cycle. So fast forward to now and I'm catching up on some blogs and read one about someone having a follicle similarly sized to my large one and her RE stating it was too big, or overripe to fertilize. Cue my complete freak out, and insane googling of follicle count and size. It seems online there is a consensus that anything over 25 is considered too large. That's not saying they won't still produce an egg, but it's not the ideal size of low 20's.

So my frustration is, why didn't they have me come in on cd 12 or 13. That is what my RE mentioned we would do when I originally met with him. I know they're opened on the weekends, so did they think they were doing me a favor by pushing it to Monday? Because now I just feel like we wasted the whole month, and assuming my 23 follicle grows another 2 mm....i may end up with 2 overly big follicles by the time of my IUI tomorrow. I'm just so bummed because I feel like I had to fight to even cycle this month, and now was that all wasted. Like hubby said, they're suppose to be the experts...but why does it feel like we have to keep checking up on them? And don't even get me started on what I found online about super big follies being cysts...which leads to next worst thing to happen which would be sitting out next month. I know I'm getting way ahead of myself, and maybe that 23 follicle is just fine...of course I don't know anything because I'm still waiting to hear back from my nurse who I promptly called at 9am begging her to call me back and discuss all this.

I probably being over dramatic about everything, but this morning when I woke up I was so positive about this cycle...and with one swift kick in the ass I feel like the whole month was taken from me...and instead of wondering if I'm pregnant the next two weeks, I'll be wondering if that huge follicle will be the cyst that keeps me from cycling again next month. Ahhhhh, can my nurse just call me back already!!! Would appreciate any comments from people who know anything about follicle size...am I totally out this month?

My IF Christmas Wish

So for those of you wondering I got the call Friday from my nurse...who informed me I could go ahead and start taking my clomid!! She called about an hour before my friends came over for the xmas party, so I could not have been more relieved the news was good! I still am a little troubled about how easily they were willing to have me sit out the month, but I guess it just shows that you are your own best advocate. And I'm so happy I asked to come back in for another check, and who knows maybe THIS will be the month I get pregnant. I have a good feeling about 2010!

So this weekend was full of xmas festivities. The party was so much fun, ate and drank way too much! Saturday hubby and I went shopping all day long, and we were so efficient...got almost everything done! And that night we headed downtown to my younger brother's xmas party and ate and drank way too much...again. Sunday I wrapped gifts, finished my xmas cards, and curled up on the couch with hubby most of the night to watch season 3 of the Tudors (such a good show). Yesterday we both took the day off, and I was so happy to have a lazy day after our very busy and fun weekend!

And now xmas is upon us, which one hand is so exciting because it truly is my favorite time of the year. I am that person who starts listening to the xmas station in my car the day after t-giving (and it does not change until the day after xmas). And my tree is up, house decorated...have hubby outside putting up lights! I figure it only comes once a year, so why not soak up as much xmas as possible!!! But this year I would be lying if I said I wasn't having trouble not thinking about what could have been. There is a little voice in my head reminding me I could have been 9 months pregnant, I could have been asking for baby stuff for xmas, I could have been decorating an adorable little nusery, I could have sent out an xmas card picture where I had a big pregnant belly, and it truly would have been the happiest time of the year.

But it's out of my hands, so all I want for myself this year is to just enjoy what I have right now, in this moment, and hope 2010 brings us a BFP. Who knows, this could be hubby and my last xmas just the two of us, and really how can that be bad? I mean he's only my most favorite person in the world! And for this xmas I'm praying anyone else who is testing receives good news, because I think that would just basically be the best.gift.ever. I know there are a tons of fellow bloggers out there with xmas time betas lined up. Also, one of my best friends has been trying since summer and her period is expected on xmas eve. She got burned last month and got her period on thanksgiving day, so in my opinion she's due for some good news. So I'm sending out good vibes and in the meantime hoping my clomid is busting out follies as we speak, hah!

CD 4 - Just Waiting for the Call

So I went to my dr's office this morning for the 3rd time this week. Man, it's getting old. The days I go the dr. I make super early appointments a) so I can go before work and b) so I"m always sure to get same day results. The downside is I live in the burbs, and my dr's office is downtown...so on these days I have to get up at the crack of dawn, sit in awful traffic, and pay for parking twice...$4 at my dr. and $14 at my office. As if IF isn't costing me enough!

My u/s went great and she said my lining was at 4 and it needs to be under 6. So now I'm just waiting for my blood test results, and praying that my HCG level is under 1. And seriously, how could it not be...we're talking about .5 in two days. I mean I'm not asking for much here. So after work in attempts to maintain a positive attitude I'm going to fill my clomid prescription, so when I get that call I can hopefully pop a pill (I technically should have started yesterday).

Other than that I'm ecstatic its Friday and tonight I'm hosting my 7th Annual Couples Xmas party! It's basically a party I started throwing for my 3 high school best friends and their boyfriends our first year out of college, when we were all living in the city! We've all since moved to the burbs with our now hubbies and this will be the second year having at my grown up person house. My current to do list looks something like this:

- Make stuffed mushrooms
- Thaw meatballs (frozen from Tra.der Joe's)
- Make buffalo chicken dip
- Clean my bedroom/bathroom upstairs
- Put my secret santa ornament in gift bag
- Make yummy spiked punch (which i'll be drinking heavily tonight, especially if I don't get the clomid go ahead)
- Light candles
- Have someone snap a picture of me, hubby, and the pups for our xmas card

Whew. It'll be hectic, but I love this stuff! Now that we're in the burbs we usually munch/drink for a couple of hours and head over to this fab place in town that has bowling and baci ball courts! I'm sure bowling sounds more appealing at first, but let me tell you...Baci is so.much.fun! I think we've sort of made up our own rules, but we do girls vs. guys and it works and there is limited skill involved so everyone has fun! The rest of the weekend is reserved for xmas shopping. I'm not kidding when I say I haven't bought one thing, and xmas is in a week...how did that happen???

Hold Up & Hope

So the one thing I've learned from IF and TTC in general, is things never work out how you imagine. I try to cover every possible outcome in my head...and still things usually play out in that one scenario I didn't think of. When I got pregnant the first time, it happened on the cycle where I didn't even think I was ovulating. I even skipped a couple days of taking ovulation tests because I was getting so frustrated with my body, and then I came home from a whi.te sox game and really had to pee, so figured what the hell I'll take a test. And boom...pos opk on day 18 (every other cycle I had gotten it on CD 15/16). We obviously got busy that night, and 11 days later I got the shock of my life when I peed on a stick, jumped in the shower as hubby was getting out...and 2 min later I hear "OMG" and before I knew it he was back in the shower and the celebration began! In my wildest dreams I could have have imagined a better way to find out!

And after getting pregnant relatively easy on our own, I never ever dreamed down the road we'd be heading to the fertility clinic, or that after a year of TTC we still wouldn't be pregnant! The list goes on and on. So yesterday on CD 2 I went in for my baseline u/s and blood work. I thought I had mentally prepared myself for all the outcomes...worst case scenario would be some leftover cysts from the clomid forcing me to sit the next cycle out. So when the u/s technician told me both ovaries looked good, I thought I was for sure in the clear...lets go pick up my clomid!

So my nurse calls me yesterday afternoon, and instead of hearing the words "you're all set...you can begin your clomid tomorrow", she starts asking me how heavy my menstrual flow is. I told her fairly heavy today which is normal for me on CD 2. She explained there was a trace amount of HCG in my system (1.5) and my lining was still very thick. She then very casually stated Dr. S. wants you to sit this cycle out, and we'll resume next month. I love how she said it like that would be no big deal, like I was going to politely respond with "oh sure, no problem, thanks for calling." What I wanted to say was "Um, surely you must be out of your mind, take a break...we just got started, NO WAY LADY!!"

So I asked what the trace HCG meant, and she said its possible something connected but obviously didn't last for very long. My girlfriend who is an IF expert told me something can implant for as little as an hour and produce a residual amount of HCG. My nurse also explained my level has to be under 1 to start clomid (something I plan to google as soon as I'm done typing this). This irritated me even more...I'm only .5 away from being good to go, and they're going to scrap the whole cycle. So I assured her my period was very heavy, and could I please come back for u/s and blood work before I throw the month. She agreed I could come Friday, and assuming my level is under 1 I can start clomid on CD 4 instead. Now that seems like a fair trade, why couldn't she have started with that option?

In any case, I'm going in tomorrow morning and praying for no signs of HCG. But as annoying as taking a break would be, I'm going to take my little 1.5 of HCG and consider it a positive. My period was actually 3 days late (which I assumed was from the clomid), but maybe not? I know it needs to be over 25 to even be considered pregnant (and 1.5 seems like non-existent in my mind)...but I'm going to be positive and am hoping it means my body is trying. Hoping its trying to remember what it did back in April, come on...I know you can do it!!!

The Silly Things We Do

So I'm so excited I started my blog, because now I have a place where I can actually talk about some of the weirdo things dealing with IF has forced me to do, yup that's right...IF literally forced my hand and I had absolutely no choice but to act in such a way! hah. We all do them, and probably overlap on many of these. Like tell me who hasn't pushed on their boobs so much, you can't tell if they're hurting on their own or from you doing it all day at work! Or immediately googling "chances of egg not implanting because dog stepped on my uterus" (which happens probably every month, I mean I LOVE my dogs but dam...they always seem to step on the sweet spot)...and fyi there doesn't appear to be any articles on this specific topic on the web, so don't even waste your time searching!

So probably the longest running quirk I have going is currently in my purse. Back around the time of my miscarriage hubby came home from work with a little treat for me...his go to cheer me up can't fail treat...Re.ese Pea.nut But.ter cups! YUM. Normally I would scarf them up, and instantly feel better. But I knew even those Ree.ses wouldn't cheer me up then, so I kept them in my purse for a rainy day. The funny thing was hubby bought himself a pack a Com.bos that he also didn't eat, so they also ended up in my purse for another day. So fast forward 8 months and can you guess what is still in that purse of mine...you know it, that pack of Ree.ses and Com.bos. Somewhere along the road I vowed I wouldn't eat those Ree.ses until I was preggers again, and same went for the Com.bos. Strange, yes...but in my head it truly made sense. Like if I could somehow resist the urge to eat them, then I most certainly would get pregnant again and really, its not like it was going to take that long right???

Well, now I don't even know if those Ree.ses or Com.bos will be edible, considering they've been on the bottom of my overly large purse that is stuffed to capacity! I probably should put them in a zip lock baggie before the wrapper actually disintegrates. But the point of the story is I've waited this long, what's a few more months. I will not give up on my little plan, I will not let IF beat me and my goal! And I've already decided when I DO get preggo again...assuming I get the call in the afternoon, and IF I can somehow hold off on psycho dialing hubby with the news...I will put the Ree.ses and the Com.bos on a plate...and have it waiting for hubby when he gets home. He knows this little game I've been playing with myself, and he'll know exactly what it means. I know it's beyond cheesy...but somehow it will say everything, without saying anything!

And the Consolation Prize Goes to Me

So every month I get a BFN, I go into self-preservation mode and start telling myself all the reasons why it's okay it didn't happen this month...and how it will be SO much better if I get that BFP next month. My current train of thought goes something like this: well, who really wanted to be preggers over xmas anyways (would have only been the best gift ever), but really now I can have way more fun this Friday at the Christmas party I host every year, and one of my good friends is getting married next August, so I would have been busting at the seams at her wedding, maybe even giving birth and missing her wedding completely, and let's not forget about how hot it would be. I mean after all August is probably the only month in Chicago where it's actually hot...so who really wants to have a baby then anyways???

My semi-irrational thoughts are of course followed by my equally rebellious actions. Today went something like this, got to work, got my period (30 min. after my blood test I might add), grab my jacket and immediately stomp over to star.bucks for a peppermint mocha...ahhh caffeine fix! I mean, is there anything better than the holiday drinks at Star.bucks, and how is it fair they cost almost $5? Either way it was worth every penny, because that coffee was enough to get me through the day without bursting into tears once over my bust IUI.

Next act of defiance is taking place as we speak. After hubby got home from work, and we finished dinner...we bee lined it to the liquor store to pick up a bottle of wine. It's sort of become my routine, my consolation prize for not getting pregnant...allowing myself to be super lazy that night, hubby lets me watch whatever I want, snuggle up on the couch with the pups, and indulge in a glass (or three) of wine without any guilt whatsoever.

The funny thing is, I usually find some relief when I do get my period each month. I finally have an answer, and although it's not he one I was hoping and praying for...at least now I know. And for the next two weeks I don't have to wonder IF I may be pregnant, but instead start focusing on the cycle, and how I just KNOW this will be my month.

Here We Go

My first post, where to begin. Well first off I was hoping I would never have to write this entry or even start this blog at all. I'm an avid IF blog stalker but never had the guts to actually post one myself. I just completed my first IUI, and I truly was hoping it would work the first try and I would never need my IF blog. But that wasn't the case, because today on 14dpo, just after I left the RE's office for my blood test, I arrived at work only to find out AF had also arrived. So first cycle was a bust.

And a bust for so many reasons, a bust because I had 2 gorgeous follies ready to go, a bust because my husbands numbers were amazing at 99 million count with 97% motility, a bust because my progesterone was great at 18, and mostly a bust because now I know I will not be pregnant by my rapidly approaching EDD, which leads me to my next point.

Although now I'm dealing with IF, there was a time when I thought getting pregnant would be easy, and it was! We started trying last January, and after 4 attempts we were pregnant with our first baby. I could not have been more excited. We were due January 4th, 2010. I was so excited about my due date, which is funny because I always joked the worst time of the year to have a baby would be around the holidays (you know those kids always get jipped when it comes to bdays)...but all that went out the window with my perfect due date. I only stayed pregnant about 2.5 weeks when I woke up one morning to spotting. I went to the dr. to find there was only a sac, and she advised me the bleeding would most likely get heavier and I would go on to miscarriage naturally.

I was of course devestated. But I thought if I could get pregnant once, it should be no problem getting pregnant again. After all they say you're even more fertile the few months following the miscarriage, so I stayed positive. But the months continued on and nothing, when we hit the 6 months post miscarriage my doctor sent me in for an HSG, and my hubbie in for his first SA. His count/motility were great, however morphology was borderline...which was our ticket to our RE and our diagnosis of unexplained infertility (RE thought the morphology was okay after re-testing).

Which leads me to today. I truly thought this first IUI would do the trick, I had no side effects to the 50mg clomid, my hubby performed my trigger shot flawlessly, perfectly timed IUI...but this wasn't our month. I know it WILL happen, but as time continues to pass it gets a little harder to endure alone. Of course hubby is amazing, my mom and few close friends who are super supportive and optimistic, but for the most part its easier to keep it private. And I find so much comfort in reading others IF blogs, that i've committed myself to starting this blog. I sometimes read other blogs and it seriously feels like they're reading my mind and typing it on their own blogs, and there is such a relief in knowing I'm not alone in this journey, that other people know who badly i want this, how frustrating this process can be, and all the other bs that goes along with infertility.

So this is my story, and I invite you to follow along.