Tuesday, April 13, 2010

From Over to Under Achiever

I really wish that title could be different. I really wish a lot of things were different, but if there's one thing I've learned from my past cycles...is when things seem to be going smoother than they should...expect a blow to hit you when you least expect it, for me at least. I wish I could go on about how my egg retrieval was super easy, and we got 15 eggs, and how yesterday I was on cloud nine that it was over and successful. I wish those were the details I was sharing with you.

But today the fertilization report call came, of my 15 eggs, 12 were mature, and only 5 fertilized. And remember we're doing ICSI so they're literally placing a sperm in each egg. Last night I was happy with 15 because I thought even if half fertilize I'd be more than okay with that number. But today our fertilization rate is at 40 something percent. I looked up one stat online and with ICSI they estimate 75-85% of eggs will fertilize. So what's up with my frickin eggs. No wonder we haven't gotten pregnant yet. And how the hell did we ever get pregnant on our own a year ago?!?

I know I should be happy and grateful, and believe me I am. I have 5 little embabies that I didn't have yesterday, and that in itself is a success. But embabies will only get you so far, and with my history of miscarriage and possible multiple chemicals...I can't help wondering how far these embabies will make it. What will the call tomorrow be, how many will make it through the night. Forget freezing...I'm worried if any will make it to transfer. I know I'm probably being super dramatic, but I'm scared. I thought the hard part was over, but this is unbearable. I thought with 15 eggs I wouldn't have go through the drugs again, but now I don't know. All I know is nothing is certain...and like I said going into IVF there were no guarantees. I knew this going in, and I'm not even out of the game yet...but I'm just so scared.

I'm trying so hard to remain hopeful, I'm praying so hard for these 5 little embabies...the woman who called said I should be happy and she often has to call with news that no eggs fertilized. I'm just so worried that call is still coming for me, that my eggs are shit, and even IVF can't help us. I'm so sorry for the downer post, I want to be happy, and positive for my embabies...they deserve all the hope in the world and I should not be giving up on them now. But I'm just so scared, and I don't know how I'm going to make it until tomorrow for the next update.

37 comments:

Crossed Fingers said...

Don't you dare apologize for venting your fears, worries and frustrations! That's what we are here for - to share and help! We've all be through the ups and downs, some more than others. But we're always here to cling onto the hope that you yourself cannot or don't want to see.

I hope those 5 embabies are strong little sticky embabies and soon you'll be getting a STICKY BFP. We will be here to celebrate with you when it happens.

*hugs* and *fingers crossed*

Geochick said...

Here's to a successful transfer, come on embabies! I can't imagine how nervous you must be with that news. Good luck.

A said...

Yah, dont worry about writing your fears!! In my book, your 5 are still rockstars, compared to my ivf FAIL!! Will be praying that they grow strong and that the one that God has to be your little one snuggles in tight!!

Jessica said...

It must be very frustrating to not have as many embies as you were hoping for. I am so sorry that you have to go through that disappointment. I am hopeful that those 5 embies will grow strong and make it to transfer. ((HUGS))

Just Me...C said...

Hi sweetie. We are here for all the ups and downs so no apologies please! I can understand why you are scared because you expected a little more but the most important thing is that you have FIVE embabies! FIVE! All you need is one. I will pray for those little embabies and for you to have some relief from what you are feeling. Can you throw yourself into a book for the next few hours to get your mind off things? Hang in there sweetie and have FAITH. I do believe many "ups" are in your future. Truly I do. Hugs!

Ashley said...

Oh sweetie, you have every right to feel however you want to feel. I know it's hard hearing that not as many embabies made it as you would like. And I know it doesn't help to hear it, but you only need one! My fingers are crossed that these 5 make it and are healthy and strong!! Hugs.

suchagoodegg said...

I just want you to know that I believe in your embabies and I believe in you!!! I know this wait must be excrutiating....I hope you can find some way to distract yourself (movie with hubs, trashy reality TV, clearly LOST tonight). Sending all of my best Zen vibes straight to you.

Maureen said...

Big Hugs Darling! Fingers crossed for your little embabies. May they be strong and bring you a BFP very soon!!

Rach said...

Praying for your 5 embabies!

Pre-Heated Oven said...

I'm praying for your little embabies!

Katie said...

You aren't a downer. We are here to listen to those fears. I promise! I know you are disappointed but I DO NOT want you to think that this happened because of your eggs. A number of factors play into ICSI and 5 embabies is NOT a bad number. Just stay focused on the fact that you have five little fighters who are depending on you to be positive for them! I hope all 5 of them keep fighting and growing stronger. Hang in there, girl. And we'll be here holding your hand for as long as you need.

(((hugs)))

Patrish said...

I don't blame you at all for these negative feelings. It's so hard to remain positive in situations like this. I really hope the outcome is good. Lots of ((Hugs))

AplusB said...

I can only imagine the excitement of 15 potential embies to then hear 5. BUT, 5 is a great number and gives you a very good chance for a couple of really good embies. Hang in there - I'm sure the waiting is brutal. Thinking of you often! Hope you get great news tomorrow about 5 perfect embryos growing away!

Holli said...

You have every right to vent...it's theraputic! I'm very hopeful for your 5 embryos...and praying that the special 1 (or 2) are part of the group!

Al said...

15 to 5 is like knocked the wind right out of you, I'm sure. I'm sorry that the fert report wasn't better news. All that said, I have faith in your five embryos - that they're little fighters. I'm hoping that all 5 make it and you have a couple to freeze and use for baby number two.

Hang in there, Andrea. I will be thinking of you. **hugs**

Chelle said...

No one will ever fault you for being scared. And I have yet to read a post from anyone who has undergone IVF that was excited about the number of eggs that fertilized. In other words, I think what you are feeling right now is completely normal for someone in your shoes. Who doesn't wish that going through all that you have would result in 15 fertilized eggs? Thinking that doesn't make anyone ungrateful or hopeless.

You're doing great. You really are. Take your time to digest what you have heard, and then pick yourself up and go from there. It is completely normal to be all over the place with this. It wouldn't be normal if you weren't.

You are in my heart and prayers!

The Baby Race said...

Don't be sorry for a post about your anxieties, that's what you're feeling and we're hear to help in any way we can.

I am very very excited about your FIVE embabies! FIVE!!! Sending hugs and prayers for your five embabies!

wait, what? said...

Wish you and your 5 embabies the best.

lowfatlady said...

I'm sorry you didn't get as many fertilized as you hoped, but five is still five. Wishing you lots of luck.

braving-ivf said...

Sending you good wishes for your 5 embryos! The waiting is definitely the hardest part.

JC said...

You're not being dramatic and it's ok to write that you're scared. I'm sure I would be scared too. I'm praying you have 5 perfect embabies and this is a huge success. I can relate with things looking so good and then getting pushed back down though so I know it's hard to be all hopeful and optimistic all the time. But I'm praying for your 5!

Erin said...

I can only imagine how scared you are, especially after all the work you've put in. I know I'd be a wreck.

I'm staying hopeful for you, and sending all my prayers and love to your beautiful embabies!

sienna said...

sending you *hugs*. you have GREAT odds with these 5 embies, so *grow* embies, grow!!! i know it's hard when you expected so many more as a safety net, but just focus on these ones that made it :o) KMFC.

Secret Sloper said...

Oh, honey, I'm sorry that you are feeling so down. 5 embabies is GREAT news, but I can see why you're worried and scared. I have faith in you, your body, and those little babies-in-waiting. Try to stay occupied and entertained these next few days. Tomorrow always comes, even if it seems like it never will.

Kim said...

I think when you finally get to the point of IVF and we invest so much time and money and emotion, it's natural to have high hopes. You have every right to be dissappointed, but you alwaso have every reason to be excited!!! 5 is not what you hoped for...I am sure, but remember it's quality over quantity. Here's to wishing those 5 are top notch over achievers!!!I still have really goof feelings for you...I can picture you with a baby bump. I totally see it. Keep that chin up sister. xoxoxoxoxox

Andrea said...

Hey Cutie :)

Okay, first, its perfectly okay to feel as you do. You are fearful of the outcome, as all you have right now is uncertainty. However, you do have such HOPE in those 5 little embies. Its so hard to not look backward on this journey and question everything, but don't count yourself out. You are still in the race! And, I am praying like mad that you get good news. Remember, its about quality not quantity.

Now, as for having crappy eggs, leave that to gal's my age :) Oh dear, I understand your fear and frusteration, as this is so mentally taxing honey. But, know that you are doing all that you can possibly do right now....I'm sending you lots of love and many, many positive vibes. Just look at this post and feel how many people love you.

Hang in there and know that I am walking with you! One step at a time....

Mwah! Love and Many Hugs and all things positive. I'm lifting you up :)

xo
ps Remember PB&J can make it through "anything"

Leslie said...

Lots of positive thoughts to you & your 5 embies! I hope you hear a great progress report tomorrow!

Holly said...

lots of positive growing thoughts for your 5 embies and tons of hugs for you! And don't apologize for venting how you feel, you have every right and your blog and your readers are here just for that purpose

subfertilefrugalista said...

You shouldn't apologize for how you're feeling. Fear is fear. Plus, we'll do all of the positive thinking for you! I know it's got to be scary but I am so hopeful for you that those 5 fighters will turn out okay and this will all end the way we want it to. Looking forward to the next update. Hang in there!!

Littlest True Blue said...

You are totally going to have over achieving embies and they are going to grow big and strong and be fit to settle in to your yummy mummy tummy! I have all of my fingers and toes crossed that your phone call today is EXCELLENT news! This is your month, for sure!!!
LTB

Trinity said...

As someone whose current IVF/ICSI cycle is a lesson in Dashed Expectations, I can completely empathize with you. Sigh. It's so hard. You get drunk on the Hope Kool-Aid, and the hangover from that mess is wretched. It hurts. It's okay to feel let down--it doesn't mean you're ungrateful at all. Got that?

I'm hoping like hell that these 5 embies are hearty and hard-fighting, just like you. ;) I'll be following along to support you, however the rest of this cycle washes out.

Sending a hug your way...

Browniris said...

Sorry about the less than stellar news about the number of embabies you have. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you that they are fighters and five will be all that you need! GL!

Baby On Mind said...

I know it's hard to hear unexpected news like this, I can totally relate. Like all the other gals have said, this is the place to vent. Just remember that things are out of your hands now, but to pray for your wonderful 5 embabies. I'm praying that not only you have HIGH quality embabies, but also that you have some to freeze. Hugs....

Dear Diary said...

Hi friend, I think 5 embabies is a great number!! Everything is going to be fine. I will be praying for you!! FC and HUGE HUG!!

R.J. said...

I know this is the most frightening part - and it's sooo hard because there is NOTHING you can do. But all you can do is focus on the positive. You have 5 embies growing! That is so much better than a lot of people get.

Wishing 4 One said...

5 is great and I so hope you got that good call. Waiting to hear and sending super fat positive baby dust thoughts from Cairo girl. Hang in there. xoxox

Andrea said...

Hey Girlie :)

Just stopping by again to cheer you along, send some love and wish you well :)

Hang in there honey!
xo