Well guys, it was nice while it lasted but I'm officially run out of hope and am heading towards the dark. I'm getting those all too familiar twinges that usually start around 10 dpo. This weekend was a complete mind f*ck too because something was definitely going on with my chest...super sore, and not just your average period sore. I can still remember when my boobs felt like when I was preggers (since that was really the only symptom I had a chance to experience) so I committed it to memory...and this was pretty frickin close.
This weekend consisted of me constantly pushing on them to make sure they were still as sore as the last time, and pinching my nipples (which also hurt like hell). But now these twinges are really messing with head, and I just have no idea how I'm going to make it to Wednesday for my beta. Which I know I'll make it to because I'm on progesterone, which delayed my period last month, and I'm technically going in a day or two early because I leave for Florida that night.
So 3 more days, and we'll know. And not only will I know if I'm preggers or not, but whether I will start my journey down the IVF road. Ahhhh, that thought is still very overwhelming right now. But thank you so much for your super kind comments on my last post, your support means more than you know!!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Recent Developments & 8dpiui
If IF is a roller coaster, then right now I feel like I'm approaching the very top of the hill (like on the Eagle at Six Fl.ags...my fav), with both hands up, in the front car, and my harness feels kinda loose...and we're slowly inching away and I'm thinking woah, here we goooooo!!! That is sorta how I'm feeling right now, in a constant state of omg. To fill you in, yesterday afternoon hubby and I went to our consult appointment with Dr. C. We hadn't seen him since our initial visit in October, so I very excited to hear what he had to say, and also secretly hoping he'd tell me he could tell just by looking at my that I was preggers. Hah, how nice would that be. Oh yes, you have the glow...congrats!!!
Anyways, he started going through each cycle discussing the follicles and their sizes, lining (did you know your lining could be too thick, which mine apparently was one cycle), progesterone, etc. He then moved on to my current injectible cycle, and started explaining how I actually responded to fast to the 50 IUs. To remind you I had a 18, 17, 16, 15, 12.5 & 11...all on day 8, after 4 days of shots!!! Can I please have the gold medal in follie growth, sheesh. So turns out the reason we had to trigger on cd8 was because he didn't want to risk the smaller two maturing, in which case he would have canceled my cycle. Thank you Dr. C for that, cause I would have been pretty frickin upset if that had happened.
He then proceeded to tell me that injectibles were too risky for me, since 50 is the lowest dosage. Umm, starting to panic...please don't put me back on clo.mid. But instead to my shock he said it was time for IVF. WHOA...this is serious, I mean really serious!! And yes, mentally I was preparing for IVF and maybe even looked forward to those crazy awesome success rates...BUT, until you're looking it straight in the face you don't quite understand the implications of going down the IVF road. I asked hubby what he thought, and he voiced my same concern...IVF is pretty much the last option on the IF road, so what happens if it doesn't work. Sure the Dr. can tell you you have a 50/50 chance, but he can't guarantee anything. That is a very scary thought, and if I think about that long enough I can send myself into extreme panic mode.
So he gave us the IVF packet, told us not to even open it until I get my pregnancy results next Wednesday, and if its bad news call to fill my birth control prescription and schedule my IVF consult with him. I mean, holy shit...talk about upping the anty. Like not only do I want to be preggers so badly, but now it could save me from going down the IVF road. Especially on the cycle where everything is coming back low, sperm count, progesterone was only 11 (which dr. claims is because we triggered so early)...still I've learned my lesson and started using the supps. And I know I said after the IUI that I was going to be realistic this cycle, but I can't help it...my hopes are sky high. And my body is seriously not helping with that, phantom symptoms galore!!!
In any case, in a few days we'll know and I'll have some clarity which I think we'll make going down the IVF road a little easier. Right now I just keep going back and forth between these crazy extremes in my head, obviously the IVF road, and then the omg what if I"m preggers with quads right now (hah, I said extreme didn't I). So I'm going to enjoy this little bubble of hope because I'll be entering my dark place in a couple of days and all hope will be shredded. And IF this cycle is a bust, and IVF is where we're headed than I'll just have to deal with it. No sense in pouting and saying why me why me, I'm a strong girl and I will do whatever it takes! Lots of people do IVF and survive, AND huge bonus...get bfp's, right? In the last couple weeks it worked for both Shanny & Wishing4One, huge congrats to you ladies!! So why not me?
Anyways, he started going through each cycle discussing the follicles and their sizes, lining (did you know your lining could be too thick, which mine apparently was one cycle), progesterone, etc. He then moved on to my current injectible cycle, and started explaining how I actually responded to fast to the 50 IUs. To remind you I had a 18, 17, 16, 15, 12.5 & 11...all on day 8, after 4 days of shots!!! Can I please have the gold medal in follie growth, sheesh. So turns out the reason we had to trigger on cd8 was because he didn't want to risk the smaller two maturing, in which case he would have canceled my cycle. Thank you Dr. C for that, cause I would have been pretty frickin upset if that had happened.
He then proceeded to tell me that injectibles were too risky for me, since 50 is the lowest dosage. Umm, starting to panic...please don't put me back on clo.mid. But instead to my shock he said it was time for IVF. WHOA...this is serious, I mean really serious!! And yes, mentally I was preparing for IVF and maybe even looked forward to those crazy awesome success rates...BUT, until you're looking it straight in the face you don't quite understand the implications of going down the IVF road. I asked hubby what he thought, and he voiced my same concern...IVF is pretty much the last option on the IF road, so what happens if it doesn't work. Sure the Dr. can tell you you have a 50/50 chance, but he can't guarantee anything. That is a very scary thought, and if I think about that long enough I can send myself into extreme panic mode.
So he gave us the IVF packet, told us not to even open it until I get my pregnancy results next Wednesday, and if its bad news call to fill my birth control prescription and schedule my IVF consult with him. I mean, holy shit...talk about upping the anty. Like not only do I want to be preggers so badly, but now it could save me from going down the IVF road. Especially on the cycle where everything is coming back low, sperm count, progesterone was only 11 (which dr. claims is because we triggered so early)...still I've learned my lesson and started using the supps. And I know I said after the IUI that I was going to be realistic this cycle, but I can't help it...my hopes are sky high. And my body is seriously not helping with that, phantom symptoms galore!!!
In any case, in a few days we'll know and I'll have some clarity which I think we'll make going down the IVF road a little easier. Right now I just keep going back and forth between these crazy extremes in my head, obviously the IVF road, and then the omg what if I"m preggers with quads right now (hah, I said extreme didn't I). So I'm going to enjoy this little bubble of hope because I'll be entering my dark place in a couple of days and all hope will be shredded. And IF this cycle is a bust, and IVF is where we're headed than I'll just have to deal with it. No sense in pouting and saying why me why me, I'm a strong girl and I will do whatever it takes! Lots of people do IVF and survive, AND huge bonus...get bfp's, right? In the last couple weeks it worked for both Shanny & Wishing4One, huge congrats to you ladies!! So why not me?
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Gotta Love Blog Awards!!!
So blogging is great for so many reasons, but one thing I love is these bloggie friend awards...seriously they make my day!! And let's face it, they're the only awards I'll be getting any time soon!!
I've been meaning to send a huge thanks to Ashley at Fortheloveofshoesandababy2 for giving me the blogger BFF award. She's currently in the middle of her first IVF cycle, so check out her blog and send her some love for her upcoming retrieval!
I've been meaning to send a huge thanks to Ashley at Fortheloveofshoesandababy2 for giving me the blogger BFF award. She's currently in the middle of her first IVF cycle, so check out her blog and send her some love for her upcoming retrieval!
The rules of this award are as follows:
1. Thank and link the person that sent it to you
2. Present this award to at least five people and explain why you chose them for this award
3. Copy and past the award on your blog
So I'm actually going to combine this with another blog I received yesterday from "Type A" at thetypeanightmare. Thank you so much for the Happy 101 award, totally made my brutally long and depressing Monday a little more bearable!!
When you receive the Happy 101 Award, you have to list 10 Things That Make My Day and then list 10 Blogs worthy of this award as well, and then you'll have the award and they'll have the award too.
10 THINGS THAT MAKE MY DAY
1. Grande Nonfat Chai Latte from Star.bucks - pricey yes, but it makes me feel all happy and warm inside when I drink them...except NOT during the TWW! And for that matter ice coffees in the summer, yum!!
2. My pups - and their never ending kisses!
3. Spooning with hubby - makes it so easy to fall asleep and so hard to get out of bed in the morning!
4. An afternoon on the golf course with hubby - can't wait to get this fix in FL!
5. Blogging - reading, comments, getting new readers, tweeting, love it all!
6. Back Scratches - hubby is a VERY good back scratcher, also good at playing with my hair but feels to need to get out all the tangles which can sometimes be extremely painful!!
7. Watching the Today Show - which means I'm either working from home or not at work at all...both of which are way better than being at work!
8. Shopping Shopping Shopping - nothing can cure me more than spending money (sorry hubs it's true). My last purchase this weekend...a pair of jeggings (jean leggings) that are SO comfortable. Perfect for my IF bloat!
9. HGTV - Love this channel, and can watch it all day every day.
10. Dr.ex in the Morning - I downloaded the I Heart Radio app on my I.Phone when I got it, and since then I developed the need to listen to his trashy talk show daily at my desk!
So since it's ICLW week I figured I would do something different and nominate some totally new blogs I've stumbled across (and some other semi-new bloggie friends). Feel free to pick either award and pass it along!!
Here are the 10 blogs that I would like to AWARD!
2. Baby Hungry
9. Baby OCD
Monday, February 22, 2010
Happy ICLW & 3dpiui
Welcome ICLWers!! Thanks for stopping by, I'm so looking forward to meeting some new bloggie friends this week! To catch you up to date, we just finished our 4th IUI and 1st injectible cycle. I had a great response, and this cycle has moved super fast...but a lackluster sperm wash sent my "this is so my month" attitude into a total tizzy! I'm currently 3dpiui and am feeling good. After last months chemical, I've been eating my pineapple and brazil nuts daily to ensure if hubbys guys find my egg that the little bean frickin sticks this time.
So speaking of new bloggie friends I realize I never posted about my Chicago bloggies dinner! I was so lucky to meet Egg at suchagoodegg, Al at mission: motherhood, Erin at thestateiamin, and A at aplusbwaitingforc! I have to admit, the first time I read that Al & A had met up for drinks I was totally secretly jealous. But also realized I had just recently started my blog and maybe down the road I would be lucky enough to meet a fellow blogger! Well, literally that day A sent the email to organize a Chicago get together and I was beyond psyched!!
I can't tell you how amazing it was to meet these girls, they are funny, sincere, honest, beautiful, intelligent...really I could just go on and on. But the most important thing to me was the instant bond I felt with each and every one of them. To meet women that completely understood exactly what I was going through, was just amazing. So often with IF I feel isolated, like I'm living a double life that some of my closest friends don't even know about. But in the blog world it's all fair game, I share things with you guys I wouldn't ever admit IRL. But at this dinner, everyone just understood. And after that dinner I had never been happier about starting my blog!
And when I did start my blog, it was really just to have a place to vent my IF frustrations. But now it has become so much more, in a way I could have never imagined! I totally wish I could meet each and every one of you! How cool would it be if we could organize a huge blogger conference?!? Hah, could you imagine trying to work that into all our ttc schedules!! But even if we can't meet IRL, know that having you in my bloggie world is so important, your comments and feedback literally make my day, and I feel lucky to have met each and every one of you!!!
So speaking of new bloggie friends I realize I never posted about my Chicago bloggies dinner! I was so lucky to meet Egg at suchagoodegg, Al at mission: motherhood, Erin at thestateiamin, and A at aplusbwaitingforc! I have to admit, the first time I read that Al & A had met up for drinks I was totally secretly jealous. But also realized I had just recently started my blog and maybe down the road I would be lucky enough to meet a fellow blogger! Well, literally that day A sent the email to organize a Chicago get together and I was beyond psyched!!
I can't tell you how amazing it was to meet these girls, they are funny, sincere, honest, beautiful, intelligent...really I could just go on and on. But the most important thing to me was the instant bond I felt with each and every one of them. To meet women that completely understood exactly what I was going through, was just amazing. So often with IF I feel isolated, like I'm living a double life that some of my closest friends don't even know about. But in the blog world it's all fair game, I share things with you guys I wouldn't ever admit IRL. But at this dinner, everyone just understood. And after that dinner I had never been happier about starting my blog!
And when I did start my blog, it was really just to have a place to vent my IF frustrations. But now it has become so much more, in a way I could have never imagined! I totally wish I could meet each and every one of you! How cool would it be if we could organize a huge blogger conference?!? Hah, could you imagine trying to work that into all our ttc schedules!! But even if we can't meet IRL, know that having you in my bloggie world is so important, your comments and feedback literally make my day, and I feel lucky to have met each and every one of you!!!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Things Were Going So Well...
This cycle has been such a roller coaster ride, and I am just spent. From the almost cyst breakdown to the on top of the world ultrasound all in the matter of 5 days, and apparently this ride ain't stopping anytime soon. Up and down up and down we go...and I just want to frickin get off!! I went for my IUI yesterday at my lunch break. Normally I hate to go during lunch because it takes about two hours, from start to finish and I'm so nervous sneaking back into work after. But this time hubby and I came up with the brilliant plan that he would go and do "his experiment" as he likes to call his part of the IUI, and then I would go an hour later for the actual IUI. We usually wait it out together, but he had a lunch meeting and such is life.
So I arrived at the office and my form was there waiting for me, I was feeling super positive until the nurse dropped the bomb. Hubby's numbers were on the low side, 25 million with 66% motile so 16 million post-wash (I looked up some chart online and this gives us a 9% success rate). Cue the crying, and asking the nurse a million times how this could be? Normally hubby's first day is in the 90's, and this isn't something I have to worry about...so I was just completely shocked. All my hopes that this was SO going to be my month flew right out the door. And yes, the nurse reminded me I only need one, and how she's seen samples as low as 4 million produce twins. But seeing how far we've trekked down this IF road, its almost impossible to believe that I'll somehow be that miracle girl, the girl the nurses tell other IFers about when they're crying about their low numbers. I just don't think we're gonna get out of this that easy.
And to top things off last night my poor baby Bella jumped off the couch and started limping. To catch you up back in November Bella tore her ACL and had to have surgery. It was probably the worst thing in the world, I would post the pic of her post-surgery knee if it wasn't so gruesome. She had about 20 staples holding her shaved leg together. She cried straight for 3 days because of the pain patch, and for a month we had to carry her everywhere, make sure she didn't lick, jump, play with Beau, had a note asking people not to ring the doorbell, it was exhausting to the say the least. Not to mention expensive, like a cycle of injectibles expensive!! So last night we notice her limping on the other back leg, omg cue the hysterics...again (yes my eyes are super puffy today) The thought of going through that again, on top of everything else...I just can't. This morning she looked better, so we're hoping she was just stiff, or jumped funny but didn't tear anything.
Then this morning we headed back for IUI part two, and as expected the numbers decreased. I think 14 million and similar motility. At least this time I was prepared, so there were no tears. And hubby was there with me to hold my hand. I had a different nurse who again assured me she's seen pregnancies result from lower samples than ours. So now we wait, and as much as I hate myself for saying this...I'm going to be very cautious about getting my hopes up this cycle. I want to believe, I want to hope for the best...I really really do. But I also feel emotionally drained, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of cycling, I'm tried of worrying...and in this fragile state I find the need to protect myself from more heartache. I will continue to hope and pray, but I also need to be realistic.
I'm so sorry for the downer post, I really am, I hate being such a debs. So I'll try to end this with some tiny bit of positivity. Before my IUI I was thinking about how this is my 4th IF cycle, and how the first time I got pregnant it was on my 4th cycle of naturally trying. Also, it's February so even number...you know I like that. I have my consult with Dr. S next Wednesday on the 24th, and I'm very interested to hear what he has to say. And I'm going to schedule my blood test for the following Wednesday, the day I leave for Florida (Fort Myers). So if it's good news, I'll be celebrating in sunny FL. And if it's bad news, I'll be taking serious advantage of those two for one happy hour specials. And will probably be doing some pretty hard core day drinking poolside, yah so basically I plan to be drunk for 5 days straight. I swear I'm not an alcoholic...pretty much that means 1 bloody mary and I'll be passed out in my chair, I'm a lightweight as is and the tww has only lessened my tolerance so luckily it doesn't take much for me!
So that's my plan, and we'll see how things play out! And I promise my next post will be something fun and not so debbish, maybe I'll post pics from NYC so you can get a sneak preview of fall fashion!!!
So I arrived at the office and my form was there waiting for me, I was feeling super positive until the nurse dropped the bomb. Hubby's numbers were on the low side, 25 million with 66% motile so 16 million post-wash (I looked up some chart online and this gives us a 9% success rate). Cue the crying, and asking the nurse a million times how this could be? Normally hubby's first day is in the 90's, and this isn't something I have to worry about...so I was just completely shocked. All my hopes that this was SO going to be my month flew right out the door. And yes, the nurse reminded me I only need one, and how she's seen samples as low as 4 million produce twins. But seeing how far we've trekked down this IF road, its almost impossible to believe that I'll somehow be that miracle girl, the girl the nurses tell other IFers about when they're crying about their low numbers. I just don't think we're gonna get out of this that easy.
And to top things off last night my poor baby Bella jumped off the couch and started limping. To catch you up back in November Bella tore her ACL and had to have surgery. It was probably the worst thing in the world, I would post the pic of her post-surgery knee if it wasn't so gruesome. She had about 20 staples holding her shaved leg together. She cried straight for 3 days because of the pain patch, and for a month we had to carry her everywhere, make sure she didn't lick, jump, play with Beau, had a note asking people not to ring the doorbell, it was exhausting to the say the least. Not to mention expensive, like a cycle of injectibles expensive!! So last night we notice her limping on the other back leg, omg cue the hysterics...again (yes my eyes are super puffy today) The thought of going through that again, on top of everything else...I just can't. This morning she looked better, so we're hoping she was just stiff, or jumped funny but didn't tear anything.
Then this morning we headed back for IUI part two, and as expected the numbers decreased. I think 14 million and similar motility. At least this time I was prepared, so there were no tears. And hubby was there with me to hold my hand. I had a different nurse who again assured me she's seen pregnancies result from lower samples than ours. So now we wait, and as much as I hate myself for saying this...I'm going to be very cautious about getting my hopes up this cycle. I want to believe, I want to hope for the best...I really really do. But I also feel emotionally drained, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of cycling, I'm tried of worrying...and in this fragile state I find the need to protect myself from more heartache. I will continue to hope and pray, but I also need to be realistic.
I'm so sorry for the downer post, I really am, I hate being such a debs. So I'll try to end this with some tiny bit of positivity. Before my IUI I was thinking about how this is my 4th IF cycle, and how the first time I got pregnant it was on my 4th cycle of naturally trying. Also, it's February so even number...you know I like that. I have my consult with Dr. S next Wednesday on the 24th, and I'm very interested to hear what he has to say. And I'm going to schedule my blood test for the following Wednesday, the day I leave for Florida (Fort Myers). So if it's good news, I'll be celebrating in sunny FL. And if it's bad news, I'll be taking serious advantage of those two for one happy hour specials. And will probably be doing some pretty hard core day drinking poolside, yah so basically I plan to be drunk for 5 days straight. I swear I'm not an alcoholic...pretty much that means 1 bloody mary and I'll be passed out in my chair, I'm a lightweight as is and the tww has only lessened my tolerance so luckily it doesn't take much for me!
So that's my plan, and we'll see how things play out! And I promise my next post will be something fun and not so debbish, maybe I'll post pics from NYC so you can get a sneak preview of fall fashion!!!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Triggering Tonight!!!
So I made it back home to Chicago last night, what a long day! And yes I totally got home at 12:30pm and still managed to watch Lost (I totally heart Sawyer) AND the Bachelor (Vienna...are you kidding me Jake)! And thank goodness I made my monitoring appt this morning, cause my follies are a rockin!! I had a 18, 17, 16, 15, 12.5, and 11. I also got some additional good news that the u/s girl couldn't find the cyst...yay! My nurse just called and to my total shock I'm ready to go, triggering tonight and IUIs Thursday & Friday!
I kinda thought I'd go one more day, but I guess it makes sense since the follies still have today and probably some of tomorrow before they bust. I think I've read online that the follies don't need to get as big on injectibles as they do with clo.mid...or did I totally make that up? In any case I'm pumped, and am feeling super optimistic about this cycle. We'll see how long that lasts, but for now I'm going to enjoy this feeling of everything going super well! Here we go again!!
I kinda thought I'd go one more day, but I guess it makes sense since the follies still have today and probably some of tomorrow before they bust. I think I've read online that the follies don't need to get as big on injectibles as they do with clo.mid...or did I totally make that up? In any case I'm pumped, and am feeling super optimistic about this cycle. We'll see how long that lasts, but for now I'm going to enjoy this feeling of everything going super well! Here we go again!!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Things I'm Freaking About RIGHT NOW
So I think we can all say based on my last post I tend to freak out prematurely. And I'm totally comfortable admitting I'm guilty of being a freak out kinda girl...it's just what I do. I'm the farthest thing from the laid back and don't really vibe well with going with the flow. I'm a planner, and when things do not go as planned I freak...plain and simple. Call it type A, call it dramatic, whatever you call it that's just me.
Right now I'm sitting in the airport in NYC waiting for my 7:00 flight. We've already been told it's not taking off until 9:45pm. I'm on standby (with about 50 other people) for the 5:00pm flight which is taking off at 7:45pm. Hubby had scheduled to take an earlier flight so he could make it home for his grad school test tonight...so I'm ALL alone. I've been here for 2 hours already, am bored out of my mind so why not blog about it, right?
Freak Out List
- What if my plane doesn't get out tonight?
- What if I have to give myself my shot tonight, in a airport bathroom no less?
- Where the hell do you sleep in an airport?
- My I.phone is almost dead and hubby took the charger. If I do get on this plane I'm not going to be able to read Breaking Dawn on my I.phone Kind.le...dam it.
- I seriously can feel my ovaries, is that from the injections? Which by the way I'm loving, piece of cake as long as I don't have to do them, and I ice until I can not feel my skin!
- I just went to the bathroom and had some high school style ewcm (Chicago bloggies you know what I'm talking about). It's cd 7 (wtf) and makes me very curious how my follies are doing, will find out at my ultrasound tomorrow...assuming I get out of here.
- Will I be too tired to watch Lost tonight when I get home, IF I get home...who am I kidding, the answer here is HELL NO...there is always time for Lost.
Phew, so you can see I'm on the edge of an enormous freak out, but haven't jumped quite yet...learned my lesson!! Crap, my flight just got bumped back again to 10:15! I swear there is some rule about how long flight crews can work in a day, and these bump backs are making me VERY nervous. Wish me luck girls and tomorrow I'm planning a major day of blog catch up!!!
Right now I'm sitting in the airport in NYC waiting for my 7:00 flight. We've already been told it's not taking off until 9:45pm. I'm on standby (with about 50 other people) for the 5:00pm flight which is taking off at 7:45pm. Hubby had scheduled to take an earlier flight so he could make it home for his grad school test tonight...so I'm ALL alone. I've been here for 2 hours already, am bored out of my mind so why not blog about it, right?
Freak Out List
- What if my plane doesn't get out tonight?
- What if I have to give myself my shot tonight, in a airport bathroom no less?
- Where the hell do you sleep in an airport?
- My I.phone is almost dead and hubby took the charger. If I do get on this plane I'm not going to be able to read Breaking Dawn on my I.phone Kind.le...dam it.
- I seriously can feel my ovaries, is that from the injections? Which by the way I'm loving, piece of cake as long as I don't have to do them, and I ice until I can not feel my skin!
- I just went to the bathroom and had some high school style ewcm (Chicago bloggies you know what I'm talking about). It's cd 7 (wtf) and makes me very curious how my follies are doing, will find out at my ultrasound tomorrow...assuming I get out of here.
- Will I be too tired to watch Lost tonight when I get home, IF I get home...who am I kidding, the answer here is HELL NO...there is always time for Lost.
Phew, so you can see I'm on the edge of an enormous freak out, but haven't jumped quite yet...learned my lesson!! Crap, my flight just got bumped back again to 10:15! I swear there is some rule about how long flight crews can work in a day, and these bump backs are making me VERY nervous. Wish me luck girls and tomorrow I'm planning a major day of blog catch up!!!
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