My Basic World

Too Busy to Blog...But Loving Every Second!

2011-05-30T21:42:00.009-05:00

Hi all!!! So I got my 2nd where have you been comment, so I thought I would drop a line and let you all know I'm still here, but just taking a hiatus from blogging at the moment. Life has been just so busy, and I knew to keep up with the big stuff, i.e. new baby, new house, cooking, cleaning, etc....something had to give. So my poor blog got the boot...BUT, please know I read as often as I can from my phone while I'm nursing and I'm following and thinking about all of you!!

So to fill you in, Aubrey is almost 5 months old. I can't even believe I'm typing that...seriously where does time go?!? So I'm going to whip through and give you the highlights:

- Took our first family vacay in Feb to Florida. It was so nice to get away from awful Chicago winter and just veg out with hubby and baby girl. She freaked out right before the flight, and I swear the whole terminal was staring at us praying we weren't on their flight. But the minute we got on the plane she was OUT. And also an awesome excuse to blow money on a teeny tiny bathing suit that she would only wear one time...worth every penny for this pic!

- At about a month baby girl was sleeping through the night!! I was seriously blessed with the best sleeper ever. Now, we were letting her sleep downstairs with/on us until we went to bed around midnight...so she was getting that late feed, but would then sleep til 7. During my maternity leave I would usually pull her into bed with me after that first feed, and snuggle until the next feed. Sometimes I felt super lazy sleeping the day away...but those mornings were just the best.

- Some random tidbits about baby girl. Nicknames: baby girl, obviously (she loves when I sing that song to her, my baby girl, my baby girl...but then I don't know the words and just make them up. She also loves wheels on the bus! Other nicknames: sleepy amigo, smurf, munchkin butt, super baby. Baby girl's most favorite friend...monkey!! Her paci/wubb.a.nub. Best investment ever...we've even bought other animals but monkey remains the fave. Around 1 month when she started smiling...the key to get her to do it, was "what does monkey say" and then proceed to make monkey sounds. To this day if I say that she will totally bust out a huge smile, she LOVES monkey and he's in almost every picture we take of her!

- Was due to go back to work 4/4...i was dreading that day from the moment I had her. I had even worked out 2 days a week from home when I returned to work...but the week before I had a HUGE meltdown, crunched some major numbers with hubs, and decided I could stay home with baby girl!!! I feel so incredibly lucky to be able to stay home with her, but also have the new task of figuring every possible way to save moola.

- Two weeks ago we moved into our new home!! As nice as it was to be living rent free with the p's...after 9 months of it, we needed our own space. First task was baby girl's nursery, which I don't have a pic of yet. But it's gorgeous and totally my favorite room in the whole house! Well, maybe tied with my kitchen...which I do have a pic of. This is how hubby surprised me for mother's day. I told him that all I wanted was to have our own celebration, which is difficult when you're living with your parents. So he surprised me and brought me to the new house and had breakfast/mimosa's/balloons...just me, him, and Aubrey....LOVE him. And I LOVE our new house.

- I think I got all the big stuff which brings me to current. Right now my big thing if deciding when to quit nursing. I was thinking around 5 months, and I think I have enough frozen to get her to 6 which was always my goal. But at she approaches her 5 month bday the thought of stopping makes me kinda sad. And this is coming from someone who prior to getting pregnant though b-feeding would be weird and never thought I'd even do it in the first place. It's just been such a special bond, and as fun as it is to give her a bottle and see her little face chug away...I will miss that connection that only her and I could share.

- Finally, as nice as it is not to have a period...I think I'm ready to get my cycle back. I would be totally lying if I said I wasn't already thinking about getting preggo again. I miss it so much, and I've always said I want 4 (like I said I was blessed with an easy baby, so at least after Aubrey this statement is still true). Whether or not that's possible physically/financially...we'll see. I'm pretty sure as soon as my cycle starts up we'll start trying....maybe not call the fertility clinic to de-thaw the frozen embryos (we have 2) yet. But maybe take a couple months to just see what happens.

Aubrey has changed my world in the best way possible...and every day I love her more than the day before. Every minute I'm with her I feel like I've literally won the lotto, and when I see how over the moon hubby is with her...there just are no words. He says he wants all girls now, which I think is just so cute. So sorry for the rambling catch up, and hope you enjoy the pics!!!

A Month of Pics!!!

2011-02-10T15:53:00.013-06:00

Happy one month my sweet little Aubrey!! The month has been so amazing, and I just cannot get enough of your gorgeous little face. Mommy loves you so much! Here are some of my favorite pics!

Just Born

Photoshoot at Hospital

Mommy's Fav Pic - 2 Days Old

Big Yawn

I'm so little

First trip to the mall

Love Daddy!

People think I look like him

Love this face

Mommy caught me smiling at my 1 month dr. appt

I'm 1 month old already!

All In a Month

2011-02-08T00:27:00.002-06:00

So its 1:30am, and I finally have found a moment to get on the computer and blog! Hubby is sleeping by my side, Aubrey is in the bassinet on my other side, and the pups are finally back (see below) at the foot of our bed. What can I say, life is good!! Even if I have to wake up in a few hours to feed my little munchkin!!!

Aubrey is going to be one month on Wednesday, and I seriously can't even believe it. Where does the time go?!? I know there are so many fun things to look forward to as she grows, first smile, first laugh, babbling, rolling etc. But this newborn stage is just so precious, and I know it will be over in a blink of an eye. And she's already changed so much, its just blowing my mind! All I can say is thank goodness for my i.phone so I can snap 50 pictures a day to attempt to capture each and every moment, hah!

So in this first amazing month with Aubrey, I've definitely learned my share of new mommy lessons and some of the big ones include:

- Time frickin flies, and just the months but the actual days. I was a little worried about getting antsy having a baby in the dead of winter, not to mention the worst Chic.ago winter in a long time. But man, something about living in 3 hour increments really speeds up your day, and leaves little time for anything else. Not that I really want to be doing anything else other than snuggling with Aubrey inbetween feedings...but there are necessities such as laundry and showering that I'm finding are much more difficult to get done than I would have thought!

- Breastfeeding is hard, at least it was for me in the beginning. I have to say the only reason I'm nursing today is because the nurses were so amazing at the hospital where I delivered and helped SO much. It took about 4 different ones literally taking my boob and Aubrey's head and shoving them together to get her to latch, a lactation consultant, pumping, wearing nipple shields, and doing SNS (taping a little tube of formula to my nipple). This little girl did not want to latch, and then finally on the last day something finally clicked and we had a latch. And I was not prepared for the painful nipples those first few days...especially that first shower, omg I literally had to keep my hands over them it hurt so bad! But after a week or so everything just fell into place, and my milk came in and nipples stopped hurting...and now I'm just dealing with crazy dripping tatas and staining all my pj tanks, hah!

- Dealing with puppy jealousy, so much worse than I thought. I love my dogs so much, and before I had Aubrey I would have said absolutely nothing will change when it comes to the pups. Well, unfortunately they were WAY too excited when we brought her home...jumping all over us because we'd been gone for 3 days. Normally I love it, but not when you're holding a 3 day old. So hubby and I headed to the basement, and most of the time we leave the pups up in the kitchen. Now luckily we're living with my parents, so they're usually up there with them...but those first few days were just awful. Especially when we went up to bed and left them downstairs, they looked so confused and it seriously broke my heart. But with all things its gotten easier as the pups get more use to having Aubrey around, and we finally have them back in our bedroom!

- Mommy friends are the best! Seriously, you just don't know until you've been there. I'm so lucky to have mommy friends that have given me the best advice, tips, etc! From what kind of diaper rash cream to use, what pedatrician to go to, where to get the best deal on diapers, its so nice not to have to navigate this stuff all on your own! Especially the questions about healing, which can get pretty graphic...how long will I bleed, what is that first #2 going to feel like, what will it feel like when hubby and I get romantic again? I know the answers to the first two, but am still a little nervous for that last one, yikes!!

- I didn't think it was possible to love my hubby more, but watching him with Aubrey is just so amazing and my heart could just explode. This little girl already has her daddy wrapped around her little finger, and he's just so frickin cute with her. I knew he'd be an amazing daddy, but seeing it in person makes me fall in love with him all over again!! He told me the first night in the hospital after we had her, that now when he sees his birthday on a clock (for those of you that make a wish when that happens) that he has nothing left to wish for, because he always wished for her. It was the sweetest thing he could have said, and I told him to start wishing that our house gets done on schedule, ha!

Okay, so lots more to come including pics once I finally upload them to my computer!! Oh, and someone asked why we were so surprised she was a girl, and if we were told she was a boy. No, it was just EVERYONE we knew, including strangers would come up to me and tell me I was having a boy. One of my girlfriends was so sure she had to return the little boy outfit on the way to the hospital. And we called the baby Skooter, and referred to her as a "he" our whole pregnancy so it was just so shocking when she came out a "she". And to that last commenter, does dismay not mean surprised cause that's what I meant! For the record I'm a numbers girl, def. not a word girl!

Birth Story and 3 Weeks

2011-01-31T13:52:00.002-06:00

So yesterday Aubrey was 3 weeks old. I can't even believe I'm typing those words, I have a beautiful little baby girl who has only been in my life for 3 weeks...but at the same time I can't even imagine my life without her. The last few weeks have been amazing, and stressful, and tiring, and full of love, and starting in awe of this perfect baby that somehow hubby and I created. And even though she's here in my arms, sometimes I still think back to the day she was born and feel like it was all a dream. Even my pregnancy seems like it happened a million years ago. I think its just so amazing how in one day everything can change so drastically, it makes the whole birth experience even that much more amazing in my mind.

So this is going to be long and over detailed, because I have the worst memory and don't want to forget anything! Aubrey's birth really couldn't have gone more smoothly. I always imagined those typical tv scenarios, waking up in the middle of the night...shaking hubby awake with the words "its time". Frantically packing up the car and heading to the hospital. Well, ours was the complete opposite. I woke up on Saturday 1/8 and felt the teeniest bit crampy. I'm talking period is three days away crampy, nothing I would have considered could have turned into labor. BUT, I was almost a week late at this point. So hubby and I decided to get up and go to brunch...we had been on house arrest all week and had both been working from home all day, so we finally needed to get out of the house. We both showered, and during the shower I felt what I thought were a couple more substantial cramps...but again small enough where I was questioning if I was just so desperate to go into labor that I was making them up in my mind.

Hubby even asked who goes into labor on a Saturday morning? I mean really it was too perfect, we were both home, Hubby wasn't downtown at work or anything, we both showered, I dried my hair, did my makeup, it was way too convenient if I really went into labor. So off to brunch we went and I was still feeling crampy. The first place we picked had a 20 minute wait so we drove off to the next place. During this drive the crampiness became more like super mild contractions, every 10 min or so there was a teeny cramp. I of course blanked on what the baby class said as far as timing and when to go in, so I decided to call the dr and ask. Hubby was passing a gas station and decided to fill up the car, just in case we needed to head downtown. Also, it was a beautiful sunny day so he said might as well get a car wash while we're at it.

So we're in the car wash line, and there are about 4 cars ahead and now 4 cars behind. And I jokingly said to hubby wouldn't it be hilarious if I went into labor and you had to back out all these cars, hah! Literally 5 seconds later my water broke...and my words to hubby were "omg, something is coming out of me!". It was such a weird sensation, like warm pee running out of you and not being able to stop. Luckily hubby had put a towel in the car for this exact situation, and we both were just laughing hysterically! I think we were both in shock it was finally happening, and that we were stuck in the car wash line of all places. So while I called the dr. back to give them an update we sat and waited to go through the car wash, and yes we kept the receipt and its definitely going in Aubrey's baby book!

So the Dr. said to come on down, and we went home and cleaned up, grabbed our hospital bags and drove downtown. On the way down my contractions started heating up, every few minutes and were comparable to period cramps. I was admitted right way once we got to the hospital, and we had to wait about two hours until the delivery room was ready and we got to go upstairs. During this time I was still dealing with the period cramps every few minutes, but the nurse said I was only a 1. I always new I was going to get the epidural, so the minute I got upstairs and got my IV I asked for the epidural girl to give it to me. My pain was just starting to get worse than period cramps, and that was enough for me! Man, was that epidural amazing...I mean the idea of it was totally scary, and being the huge baby I am I totally cried when they made Ryan leave the room. But it was really no big deal, a tiny sting when they put in the numbing stuff and then boom, my legs were nice and tingling and I felt nothing in the way of cramps.

So from here out the story is pretty boring, the nurse kept checking on me and I was still a 1 up until midnight when they finally decided to give me pitocin. Then things finally got moving, I think I was a 4 at about 3am, and a 8 around 5am when the dr. came in and "stretched" me out to a 10. They let me sit a little longer to let the baby move down so I wouldn't have to push as long. Which apparently worked because the dr. came in at 6:30ish and Aubrey was born at 6:57! The pushing was no big deal at all, and as I was having her I actually thought omg, I'm not going to tear because I really couldn't feel a thing...wishful thinking I might add. Because she was late she did have meconium, so the dr. warned us there was be a team from peds in the room when she was born to make sure it didn't get into her lungs. So when Aubrey made her arrival, the Dr. announced she was a girl...to my and hubby's total dismay and they took her over to the baby table. It seemed like an eternity before I got to hold her, probably only 15 minutes or so while they cleaned her up and tubed out the meconium. I was bawling with excitement and worry, but hubby was there watching and kept saying she's okay, she's okay.

When they finally brought her over to me it was the most amazing feeling in the world. She was so beautiful, and teeny, and perfect...and most importantly she was ours. It was the most wonderful experience and her birth couldn't have gone any better. Not to mention when they wheeled us up to the recovery room we got the corner suite with a gorgeous view of La.ke Mi.chigan and the Han.cock building!

So there is so much more to discuss but I'll save that for another day, right now I need to do some major blog catch up! There are so many blogger babies on the horizon, can't wait to see how everyone is doing.

Skooter is Here!!!

2011-01-10T15:51:00.007-06:00

And HE is a SHE!!! We welcomed Aubrey Leighton yesterday 1/9/11 at 6:57am, weighing in at 6lbs14oz. My water broke Saturday around 12:30pm, we were fortunate to have a super easy labor with the help of my epidural, and 25 minutes of pushing and she was here. We were shocked when they said "it's a girl", but so absolutely thrilled. We are head over heels in love with her, and I'm still in disbelief that she's ours! Detailed birth story to come soon, but I'm uploading pics to facebook so here are some good ones!

Still Waiting...

2011-01-06T11:43:00.002-06:00

Hey everyone, sorry for the suspense! I'm sure most of you thought Skooter had arrived, but oh no no...this baby is holding out! Appointment on Tuesday showed no progress as far as dilation is concerned. They did an u/s to check on fluid which apparently there was plenty of. So the plan is appt and u/s this Monday (1 week past due date), and induction will be sometime next week, date tbd.

Ugh, I'm getting SO antsy...I wanted the 1/1/11 date and now I have a feeling I'm going to blow past the 1/11/11 date, hah! I asked the dr. what the reasoning is behind letting you just ride it out and not just inducing, and I guess if your body really isn't ready...the higher change the induction won't work and you'll end up needing a c-section. So they want to give you body as much time to go into labor naturally, of course monitoring everything to make sure the baby is still fine to be hanging around in my tummy.

My dr. said to start having lots of sex and walking. So hubby and I have been busy the last few days, and I've been walking 30 min. on the treadmill each morning. And don't even get me started on the all the crap I've eaten...the suggestions we have been getting are pretty hilarious too...hubby's boss said one of the big Chica.go pizza restaurants has a baby-inducer pizza?!? Unfortunately, from everything I've read online if your body isn't ready none of the natural induction methods will probably work, so I'm probably just wasting my time.

I'm just getting SO anxious to meet this little baby, and it doesn't help that I get 20 calls a day asking if there are any updates. Part of me is bummed out my body just isn't cooperating...like couldn't get preggers on my own, couldn't it get one thing right and just go into labor on its own. I know it could still happen any time...but mentally I'm starting to lose it, literally all I think about is WHEN is this going to happen. So that's the update, will keep you all posted and wish me luck inducing stubborn baby Skooter!!!

Skooter Watch (or Lack Thereof)

2010-12-30T10:19:00.005-06:00

Hey everyone! Just a quick update to let you all know that I'm still here, still preggers...due date is Monday and I have a very strong feeling we're going to blow past 1/3/11! It's so funny because I was so worried about going into labor right before my girlfriend's wedding the weekend before xmas. And then I was so worried about going into labor on xmas. Not that either of these would be terrible scenarios, and don't get me wrong I'm dying to meet Skooter. But in a perfect world I just wanted to hold out until closer til my due date.

Well careful what you wish for, because dr. appt on Tuesday showed absolutely no progress. Next appt is this Tuesday after my due date, where they'll give me an u/s to check on the amount of amniotic fluid...something they do for anyone past their due date. I haven't had any contractions, or even braxton hicks for that matter. I have this feeling I'll be one of those girls who just never goes into labor naturally...hopefully I'm wrong but that's my hunch. The dr. said after the u/s they'll determine how long they'll let me go...usually a week or week and a half!?!?

And to top it all off I caught the flu on Monday night, actually hubs and I both did. It was literally the worst night of my life, throwing up with a huge belly is NOT fun. Again I was so worried we were going to go into labor, of course the night that both of us were at our worst (obviously didn't need to worry too much, hah). I keep telling people that if a night of puking doesn't get Skooter wanting to come out, nothing will! So tomorrow I start operation naturally induce labor! I'm not going to go too overboard, but there will be lots of spicy food, walking/dancing around, pressure point rubbing, red raspberry leaf tea, and hubby's personal favorite....lots of sex! Any other tips people?!?

Little Skooter just know...mommy loves having you in her belly, and I know I'll miss it so much when you're not there anymore. But mommy and daddy are just dying to meet you, we love you so much and I hate to rush you...but the time has come little baby! Mommy is determined, hah!

And just for fun here are a couple pics from the wedding, it was so beautiful and so so much fun...but at the same time I'm hoping I don't have to be the 9 month pregnant b-maid again any time soon! Hope everyone has a very happy New Year, and hopefully I'll be posting soon with a Skooter update! Fingers crossed!!!

Maternity Pics & 37 Week Appt

2010-12-15T10:07:00.004-06:00

Well...actually just pic! But it's definitely one of our favs that my photographer just put up on face.book, so I could finally share one! Her gallery was the kind were you couldn't copy and paste, and we didn't buy the disk of digitals cause it wasn't cheap and lets be honest we're saving for the newborn shots! But we bought a bunch of pics, and they came last night and are so gorgeous! I can't wait to get into our new house and frame them. We're actually giving this pic to both of our moms for one of their xmas gifts!

And if any of you Chic.ago bloggies needs a photographer I would totally recommend her!

In other news I had my second internal yesterday, and no action down below. Baby is staying put for now, which is good news cause I'm standing up in one of my bestie's wedding this Saturday (wish me luck people, it's going to be a loooong day)...so I really appreciate Skooter not making an early arrival.

And somehow I managed to lose 2 lbs...which is crazy since I made a batch of my famous cut out frosted cookies on Saturday and have been eating about 4 a day since then. I'm at a total of 26 lbs...which puts me right on track for the 30lbs my i.phone app says I should gain. The dr. I saw yesterday guessed Skooter would be a high 6/low 7 lb baby. How they can tell this just by feeling around my stomach I'll never know, but his head is down so all around he's being a very good baby!!!

Still Here & Almost 37 Weeks!

2010-12-10T09:35:00.005-06:00

Hey all! Wow, maybe my worst blogging dry spell yet. Anyone out there still reading, hah! The holidays have come and just completely knocked me on my ass along with major baby prep! Since my last post I have been one super busy girl but its all SUCH great stuff. Not to mention I'll be 37 weeks and FULL TERM on Monday...omg, how did that happen?!? I'm getting so excited to meet this baby I can hardly take it. I know these last few weeks (assuming I don't go early) will go by so quick, but at the same time I feel like time is standing still. As much as I LOVE Skooter in my tummy, and I know I'll miss having him with me all the time...I'm just dying to have him in my arms. I can tear up over the thought of hubby holding him for then first time...and its frickin killing me wondering if Skooter is a boy or girl!

So here's the rundown of my life over the last month:

Baby Showers:

I had two more lovely baby showers since my last post. The last one was the weekend of thanksgiving, so it was a super busy but fun weekend with the holiday and everything. All I can say is Skooter is one seriously lucky baby, he has SO much stuff and is pretty much set for the first year of life. The only thing he'll need is some pink or blue clothes (or in my case purple or green since i'm neither a pink or blue person). All I can say is Skooter better like little duckys, because that's what he'll be living in for the first month, ha!

(Me and my bestie, she's 4 weeks post baby and looking fab!)

Nesting:

Holy crap, it hit me hard after my last shower. I'm so that person who has more fun organizing xmas presents after I open them, than actually opening them if that make sense. I love putting everything away, stacking and restacking all my new fun things. Well, that's what I started doing with the baby stuff...pulling out the stuff that we needed asap, piling up the older age toys that could wait. Remember we're living with my parents, and while they're house has plenty of room...we personally are spread out all over the place. We're living in my bro's old room, we're setting up baby stuff in the guest room, my business is in the other guest room, we've taken up half the garage with miscellaneous boxes, and baby stuff has taken over the ping pong and pool tables in the basement!

Some days I think we're in good shape for the baby, but then I realize I could literally go any day now and start panicking about how much more we need to do. The big things are install the car seat base (which is happening this weekend), pack the hospital bag, set up the last few baby things we'll need in the beginning, swing, pack.n.play, etc. Things we've accomplished are setting up the bassinet, car seat, diaper genie, ordered diapers, wipes, got diaper rash cream/powder and stuff, washed all baby clothes, okay...why does this not sound like a lot??

Baby Updates:

Let's see...a few weeks ago I had a dr. appt where I got my last ultrasound just to confirm one last time the placenta had fully moved, which it had...YAY! They said Skooter is measuring a tad on the small side, 40% percentile so they're not expecting a huge baby...which should be easier for labor. Hubby is of course worried he's too small, which is absolutely not what they said...and he's obsessed with plumping me up which I explained to him will not necessarily fatten up the baby....just my ass!! Speaking of, at my first weekly appt this Tuesday I've now gained 24 lbs. My I.Phone app says 30 lbs will be average based on my starting weight, so I guess I'm pretty happy with that. I had my first internal check, and nothing to report yet...other than OUCH, I think she was elbow deep!

I was actually excited for my first internal, because I feel like it may give you some idea on whether you're getting closer to go time. However, everything I've heard/read says that you can be dilated 3 cm for weeks, or not be dilated at all and go that very same day...so apparently it's a crap shoot. I'm getting SO anxious just to know how its going to go down. I wish someone could just tell me...you're going to wake up one night with cramps and that's it, or you better keep a towel in your purse cause you're water is going to break at work and its going to be super embarrassing, hah! Or, don't get too excited for xmas dinner because you'll be spending it in the hospital with Skooter. I guess that's half the fun, only Skooter knows when he'll be ready to show...and all we can do is get ready!

House Updates:

So this fall we got so lucky with the weather in Chicago, and they were able to crank away. Then this week hit, right when we needed to start roofing/siding/masonry stuff...and Chicago became a frickin tundra. It's been in the 20s all week long, and next week the high on Monday is a whopping 13 degrees. They were able to install all the windows yesterday, so we're almost completely under roof...but I would like to keep trucking along at our super fast pace so we can be in by April. Here's a pic of the progress as of a couple of weeks ago:

So that's it. Sorry for the super loooong delay in catching everyone up! Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!!

Baby Shower & Almost 33 weeks!

2010-11-12T13:58:00.003-06:00

So technically I'm only 32w4d, but once I hit Friday I'm pretty much rounding up to the next week. I'm a cheater, but whateva!! So hard to believe, 33 weeks sounds close...7 weeks is crazy, I mean if I get real carried away I could almost justify rounding that down to 4 weeks...well that's a bit of stretch but still.

I am getting a little nervous about being ready. Being in between homes has been nice in some ways cause I haven't been stressing about the nursery, or finding the perfect gender neutral bedding (which I swear doesn't exist). But now I'm starting to feel a little panicky about how its all going to work without my perfect little nursery ready to go. I registered for a bassinet, which people tell me they use for the first few months anyways...and my pack.n.play comes with a changing table. I guess being a new mom is all about figuring it out, so I'm sure it will all be fine. But I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to our house being done, and moving our new little family into our own space finally!

In other news I had my first shower this last weekend! My mom threw this for my family and girlfriends. It was a good "starter" shower, to get me back into the shower swing of things. Opening gifts in front of people, super awkward...and when its quiet and you feel 20 sets of eyes on you waiting to see how you react to wait for it....yep another set of bibs (while adorable and I registered for them, it goes get hard to really get reved up with the same enthusiasm as the first 4 sets)!! And I'm a sweater, I get nervous and I start pitting....sorry gross but true! But at the end of the day, it was a super fun shower and Skooter got some amazing stuff, including my crib from my college friends!!!

We also had our labor class the day before. A friend had mentioned it was sort of a waste of time, but I totally disagree. The day did start off a little rocky when the girl sitting in the chair next to me had a seizure within 15 minutes of class starting, SO scary but we got word she and baby were doing just fine an hour or so later. We got to go on a tour of the hospital and see all 3 rooms that would be part of the delivery process. The nurse was great and gave us a bunch of great advice about labor. Some of the highlights I got were:

- If you're not sure whether you're in labor or just braxton.hicks....take a long shower. If you get out of the shower and the contractions are gone, they were just braxton...but if they're more intense time to call the dr.

- She said if there's nothing else you remember it's to try not to tense up during contractions. Try as hard as possible to relax, tensing will only make it worse.

- We watched a labor video which was pretty graphic, and afterwards she noted these were all obviously natural labors. She said an epidural video would be pretty boring...which I plan to do, so that made me happy. Boring labor sounds like happy labor to me, hah!

- She said do not wear a bra when you change into your gown, especially not a sports bra. She said if you do need a c-section in the end, they are a huge pain to get off with all the other things hooked up to you. Random but I thought it was a good piece of info!

- She had a fake pair of hip bones, and told us how it really doesn't matter how big you are on the outside...it all depends on the size of the whole between your hips. This woman was teeny tiny, like 100 lbs, and said she had 9 lbs babies. I have pretty narrow hips, so here's hoping I have one huge gaping hip hole, ha!

- Do not buy new pajamas for the hospital post delivery, or if you do get some cheapy nightgownish type thing that you can pull up for cleaning up down below (she warned you will bleed on whatever you're wearing), and its easier for breastfeeding.

So while the idea of labor got a lot more real (holy crap in 7 short weeks I WILL have to push this baby out of me), it did make me feel more prepared which is always a good thing! And here's a pic of hubs and I post-shower!!

Back to Reality

2010-11-04T09:36:00.007-05:00

So we're back from our babymoon in AZ. It was a short but sweet, and worth every penny. I realized while we there, that this would be hubby and my last trip pre-Skooter. Which is not to say we won't travel alone once he gets here, but it will be our last trip where its just us two. I'm guessing all future vacays in the back of our minds we'll be missing/worrying/excited to get back to our baby. It made me also realize how much I'm going to soak up these last couple months of just hubby and me time, before Skooter is welcomed to our little family! Don't get me wrong, I'm literally counting the minutes to his/her arrival...but change is change, and I think it was just a reminder to soak up my quality time with hubby these next two months.

In any case, the vacay was great! The hotel was amazing, the spa even better...I had a prenatal and facial. It was SO weird to lay on my stomach on the little bump pillow they had on the table. I must say normally I hate when the masseuse is like okay, time to flip over....cause you know the good part of the massage is over. But this time, I was more than ready to get on my back...I felt like I was crushing poor little Skooter!! It probably also didn't help I had just eaten lunch and Skooter was moving like crazy the whole time.

We laid by the pool, ate tons of good food (i'm a little nervous for my next weigh in at the dr, hah), and drank lots of fun drinks poolside. Again, I don't think the virgin pina coladas I was downing were doing much for my waistline...but dang they were good, even without the booze! We talked a LOT about Skooter, mostly going back and forth if Skooter is a boy or a girl. We have names officially ironed out. To be honest we've known them since this summer, but we went through the options one last time and have agreed on both...which we won't be sharing with anyone until Skooter is here, no matter how much our mom's beg us!

So in other news now that we're back and now that November is here its officially baby month for us! This Sunday marks the first of three baby showers I'm having, all in November. And Saturday we're heading downtown all day for our baby class at the hospital where we're delivering. I'm super excited to get a lay of the land, and see exactly where Skooter is going to make his/her arrival. Hope everyone is having a good week, time for some major blog catch up!

30 Years & 30 Weeks!!!

2010-10-25T09:46:00.010-05:00

So yesterday was the big 3-0 so I'm officially old now, hah! No, it was actually the best birthday ever...thanks to my hubby and awesome friends and family. Its so funny because I remember back when I was like 25 thinking how it was so great that my 30th fell on a Sunday because we could have a big blow out bash Saturday night. So funny how things change! And while we technically didn't have a party I seriously couldn't have had a better birthday weekend!

Saturday I went downtown for a haircut/blowdry in preparation for the maternity shoot. When I got home from the appointment I came home to this, and it was such a fun surprise!

Hubby went and got 30 balloons to fill our room with!

Gorgeous flowers, taffy apples (my FAV), and Reese's...YUM!

Please excuse the shot glass collection in the background, remember we're staying at my parents house in my bro's old room, hah! And hubby killed it with gifts this year, we're trying to keep it low key since Arizona is really the big gift. But he did get me my diaper bag (which I had hinted I wanted) and an adorable picture frame that almost brought me to tears, and this super cute travel changing kit!

So I was praying the whole day the rain would hold off long enough to get our shoot in, and luckily the weather ended up being perfect. We went to the Bot.anic Gar.dens and it was so much fun and gorgeous! I can't wait to post some pics as soon as I get them. Then hubby and I headed downtown to this super cute fondue restaurant, and had the best dinner ever! It was so the perfect day!

Yesterday I had one of my best friends wedding showers, which was actually super fun to get to see all my friends on my bday! And then last night was dinner with the family and some more gifts, again most having to do with baby...it was definitely the recurring theme with was just fine with me!

Last week we were actually at my in-laws celebrating my bday and they mentioned this would be the last year Ryan sings happy bday Andrea, and going forward from here it will be happy bday mommy. The thought totally melted my heart, thinking next year at this time little Skooter will be a part of our lives. I feel totally lucky to have such amazing people in my life, and little Skooter in my tummy. And on top of my amazing 30th I woke up today and am now 30 weeks preggo. Now the countdown to AZ begins!!

29 Weeks & Catching Up

2010-10-18T13:49:00.005-05:00

First off today i'm 29 weeks, YAY!! I can hardly believe it, it some ways I feel like I've been preggo for so long and in others I can't believe I'm almost to the 10 week countdown! The last few weeks have been busy and hectic...and I think hubby and I are finally past the hump. And right now where I'm sitting there are just so many things to be excited about including:

House Demo - Getting all the paperwork and permits needed to tear a house down in a huge pain in the ass. But now the house is down and from here on out the progress is in the hands of our builder, and we can just do our daily drive bys to check on progress! These pics are from last week, this week they're getting ready to pour the new foundation!

Hubby in the pit!

Maternity Shoot - this Saturday hubby and I are doing our maternity shoot in the Botan.ic Gar.dens! To be honest I'm excited for the maternity shoot, but am using it more to get a couple cute pics of hubs and I...and the package for maternity/newborn wasn't that much more so I figured why not? Crossing my fingers for good weather!
My bday - This Sunday I turn the big 3-0! Coincidentally, I'll be 30 weeks next Monday! Hubby and I are celebrating Saturday night after our shoot. Then Sunday we'll do family stuff and our annual bday celebration pumpkin carving and I'll def. be hitting DQ up for a pum.pkin pie bliz.zard...the best fall treat ever!!
Babymoon - Halloween weekend hubby and I are heading to Scott.sdale for a long weekend for our babymoon/my 30th bday celebration. I'm am SO excited to lay by the pool for 3 days straight and hit up the spa!
Baby Showers - I have 3 baby showers in November so its going to be a super fun busy month! Things have starting going on my registry and its so crazy to think that people are buying stuff for little Skooter (who at my 28 week appt last week measured in at 2.5lbs which does not seem so little)!
Holidays - So in my mind as soon at t-giving hits this year baby Skooter's arrival will be right around the corner. I love love love the holidays, I'm def. the person that puts my tree up the day after t-giving and my car is tuned to xmas music on the radio 24/7! This year I can't even imagine how exciting it will be knowing our first baby will be making his/her appearance right around such an amazing time of year! I get goosebumps just thinking about it! I always said the holidays would be the worst time of year to have a baby, but now I can't think of anything better!

26 Weeks!!!

2010-09-28T12:45:00.002-05:00

How Far Along: 26 weeks (I've been so bad about pics, but wanted to post one so PLEASE excuse my work red bathroom stalls in background).

Maternity Clothes: I finally got maternity jeans yesterday, SOO needed! I'd been wearing these denim leggings to work for the last couple weeks, and while they're super cute I only have so many longer shirts that cover my ass. So now I can finally wear some of my normal length maternity shirts I've bought.

Stretch Marks: Nope, but my poor belly button isn't looking too hot! Its definitely going to pop soon!

Sleep: Tossing and turning. I must wake up on my back 5 times a night, and I start on my side, lodged in with my boppy pillow...but clearly this is not the way my body wants to sleep. But since I'm making a conscious effort to not sleep on my back, I keep waking myself up throughout the night.

Best Moment of the Week: I'd have to go with registering and buying some baby stuff!!

Movement: Still lots and lots of movement...people weren't kidding when they said you'll totally relax once you can feel the baby move. Every morning its the best feeling waking up to little Skooter bopping around. And bedtime is his favorite time to party, I swear it feels like he's doing an aerobics video in there!

Food cravings: Still loving my apple cider, but its really just a fall craving and not a pregnancy craving. OH, and at star.bucks you can get a caramel apple spice...YUM is all I have to say.

Gender: I have NO idea!! I'm starting to get really curious. Especially as we register and look at nursery stuff. I must say it really is hard to plan when you're doing gender neutral...I mean is it me or have stores sort have forgone the whole yellow/green thing. Everywhere I go its pink/blue and then maybe one beige or grey outfit with a lion or monkey on it. I know it will be SO worth it in the end, but I can definitely see the perks of finding out!

What I Miss: Absolutely nothing!

What I'm Looking Forward To: 3rd trimester...next Monday! OMG, I can't even believe it!!!

Weekly Wisdom: For once its been a pretty uneventful couple of weeks so i'm lacking on wisdom. OH, I will say that baby bargains book is a life saver when it comes to registering!

Milestones: So long 2nd trimester, for being the "easy" trimester you sure gave us a run for our money...previa, 20 week u/s scare, amnio! I'm not going to miss you at all, bring it 3T!

Emotions: I actually went to the stores this weekend and did some registering. My bestie asked me if its starting to feel more real, and I'm still undecided. It's like I know I'm pregnant, I can feel the baby moving, I'm now buying baby stuff (my mom got our pack n play and swing while we were shopping, and hubby and I got the cutest little onesie for fun, it has two little pups on it that look JUST like Beau and Bella), but is it weird I'm still a little in denial a baby is coming in almost 3 months?!? Part of me thinks it won't really hit me until this little baby is finally out of me and in my arms!

Houses & Hiccups

2010-09-17T11:48:00.003-05:00

So not too much going on here, SO happy its Friday!! I hit 24 weeks on Monday, my most favorite lucky bday number...not to mention viability so this was a big one for me!! Also, this week marks another new milestone for baby Skooter...hiccups!!! He has gotten them twice this week and its the cutest thing EVER! At first I totally freaked, I felt this very subtle beating in my tummy...like after you workout and can feel your pulse in weird parts of your body. And I adjusted my position thinking something was wrong, and when it didn't change I realized it had to be hiccups...too cute!!!

In house related news we have fully moved in with the p's. Quite an adjustment, but the perks really do outweigh the cons! We met with our final contractor yesterday, so now we can finally pick someone and start moving forward on the demo process. I'm so excited to finally get this process started, and be done with meetings and permits and all the crap you need to do beforehand. Between baby stuff and house planning, I must say it makes my days go by fast!! There is always something to be researching, love it!

And I finally got on the "I'm having a baby and maybe I should start planning for it" train! I've been super productive, shower dates are confirmed, booked my maternity photo shoot (day before my 30th bday in October, SO excited), booked my baby class/tour at the hospital, starting registering (only online...still need to get my butt to these baby stores), and booked all my dr. appts through November!

Unfortunately, the one thing I can't really plan for is the nursery. Since we're living with the p's we'll be having a makeshift nursery for those few months of overlap, which will probably just consist of a bassinet in our room. And I'd rather just wait to get bedding/furniture/etc until we're in the new house...plus we'll know the sex so it will make decorating a bit easier! But its impossible not to look...and I found this pic which right now is my dream nursery, which is funny because its pretty gender neutral so I guess not finding out the sex works for me!

23 Weeks!

2010-09-07T08:56:00.002-05:00

How Far Along: 23 weeks (pic to come)

Maternity Clothes: Old navy was having a sale this weekend so I placed a huge order Thursday morning and got it the very next day, YAY! I've has bought maybe 3 things before this so I was super excited. The one thing I'm in desperate need of is maternity jeans...the belly band just ain't cutting it anymore!!

Stretch Marks: Nope, and I'm lathering cocoa butter on nightly!!

Sleep: I am actually able to stay up a little later now...I've been making it to 11 these days instead of 10! Still tossing and turning as I constantly wake up on my back.

Best Moment of the Week: Well, I guess it was last week but getting the amnio ordeal over with. I've felt like a brand new person ever since!

Movement: Tons!! I have a very bouncy baby in my tummy! Sometimes I'm like relax Skooter you're going to hurt yourself, hah! I get kicks/punches throughout the day, mostly after meals and the majority at night when I'm relaxing on the couch or when we lay in bed. Hubby and I love watching my stomach pop with each kick. It's like a game of whack-a-mole waiting to see where he'll pop up next!

Food cravings: Well, I think this is more just a matter its fall out and I always crave this stuff around now. But I bought the biggest thing of apple cider, its so good when you heat it up! And my new obsession is pumpkin spice steamers (just milk). I did allow myself one decaf pumpkin spice latte the first day it was available...but I still felt guilty cause it tasted like regular coffee, YUM!

Gender: Totally undecided. At the amnio the heartbeat was 140, which I think is the cutoff for the whole high heartbeat girl and low heartbeat boy. I guess my gut still says girl, which is funny since we refer to Skooter as a he. I was joking with hubby last night how if it is a girl, she may have an identity crisis when she comes out, hah!

What I Miss: After the last couple weeks, absolutely nothing!! Just so glad that whole mess is behind us.

What I'm Looking Forward To: 24 week appointment this Monday, praying to finally have a dr. appt with no bad news. And I think we'll get an ultrasound to check on the previa (which at my last appt my dr. said she was sure would move out of the way by delivery), and hubby and I have our fingers crossed I can finally get off of pelvic rest (aka no sex). I mean don't get me wrong I will obviously forgo without a second thought to keep Skooter safe, but a girls got needs ya know!!

Weekly Wisdom: The second trimester totally flies by. I thought I would never be out of the first trimester and now I'm only a few weeks away from the third...how did that happen?!?

Milestones: Viability next week!!!

Emotions: I think once I hit the 48 hour post amnio mark, and felt confident Skooter was going to be okay...it finally hit me that I was pregnant and there was a real live healthy baby coming in a few short months!! This weekend I bought maternity clothes, I started my registries (online but we plan to hit up the stores soon), I emailed a maternity photographer, and I even bought some baby stuff while I was at Tar.get!!! Just a couple sets of pacifiers, a package of newborn onesies...just cause they were so little and cute, and some J&J baby wash, cause it smells so good! It was so fun and now I'm like what else can I buy for Skooter, a think a stroller will be my first big purchase, YAY!!!

I'm back and CRAZY long update!!

2010-09-02T13:04:00.003-05:00

Hey everyone! So sorry for my little blogging hiatus, and thank you to everyone who was wondering where I was over on LTB's blog...you guys are the best and I instantly felt terrible that I was worrying all my blog buddies!

Anyways, my life has been a complete whirlwind the last few weeks. Where to start?

House News (good stuff):

Well first off, I noted in my New Year's post this year one of my resolutions was to tear down our house and build a new one. This has always been the plan when we bought our little starter home. Well, in the matter of a month we realized we needed to start now if we were going to be in anytime close to the baby being born (we'll be living with my parents in the meantime...yikes). So we found an architect, made the plans, submitted to the village for building permits, found builders to bid out the project, packed up our entire house, moved in with my parents, and still need to move boxes from our house into the storage unit before demolition! Its basically become another part time job! But we're beyond excited to get going on this and have a brand new home for baby Skooter!

Baby News (bad and then good stuff):

Okay, so our 20 week ultrasound didn't quite go as planned. Hubby and I both took the day off expecting to go downtown that morning, and then celebrate all day with lunch and a couple of baby stores which I've yet to venture into yet. Well we did the u/s first and then you have to meet with your dr. The wait in between literally took an hour and a half!! Finally we met with the dr. and she starts off by saying everything looks great, but there is one small issue. Skooter had a couple small cysts in his/her brain...cue me starting to totally panic and go into state of shock. The Dr. went on to say that they are in no way harmful to the baby, however...they can be considered a soft marker for chromosomal abnormal ties...okay, now I'm totally freaking out in my head but trying to stay calm and hear her out.

She said when they are isolated, meaning they're the only thing they find in the u/s they're almost always found to be nothing. It's when they're found with other markers, such as heart defects, issues with hands/feet they can be associated with downs and more specifically trisomy 18 which is so severe most babies will be stillborn or die soon after being born. She's continues to tell us because we're so young, and all our screens came back negative we really shouldn't be worried, and we don't need to consider an amnio yet...as she's handing me a prescription for a level II ultrasound to get in the next couple weeks. I was in such shock that I didn't even ask any questions because I was just trying not to burst into tears.

So we walk out of the office, and THEN I burst into tears. Hubby and I were just like what just happened in there. We thought the 20 week u/s was supposed to be nothing but exciting and fun...and we felt like we'd been hit with a truck. We went home and I immediately consulted with Dr. Google, which shockingly enough made me feel better and just confirmed what my dr. had stated.

We luckily got in for our level II ultrasound the very next day (thank god cause I wouldn't have survived waiting more than a day), to which she confirmed the cysts were definitely isolated. She said she wasn't recommending an amnio, but that would be the only way to confirm one way or the other. So as much as we left that u/s feeling relieved they were in fact isolated, we still knew that we wouldn't be 100% certain until we either got an amnio or waited until the baby was born.

So for the last two weeks hubby and I have literally been agonizing over what to do. We'd go back and forth like its absolutely crazy to consider an amnio and put ourselves and Skooter at risk (there is a very very small risk of miscarriage). But at the same time everyday at work I was obsessively googling every possible study on isolated cysts, I called my dr. twice to get her opinion, I called the specialist once who did my first and second trimester screenings and got his opinion. As much as everything was saying just let this go, the odds are SO low anything is wrong with the baby...I could not get it out of my head.

I mean truthfully this was probably the hardest decision of my life. On one hand knowing myself I would be agonizing about this until the baby was born. And on that day instead of being 100% excited to meet our little one, in the back of both our heads we'd be wondering if the baby would be healthy when it came out. Then on the other hand we could do the amnio, which I would get same day results and have peace of mind Skooter was in fact healthy, but be terrified for who knows how long about possible miscarrying this baby we've waited so long for who most likely is perfectly fine based on the odds. But then again those are just odds, and you can see how I go back and forth.

To sum it up I decided to make an appt with for the amnio yesterday morning, with the stipulation we would go more for info on the procedure and would most likely back out which the nurse says happens all the time. The appt was yesterday morning and I was literally sick all the way downtown. After meeting with one of the genetic counselors, who told us she wouldn't be worried about the cysts because she sees them all the time, but she also wouldn't be worried about the amnio if she had to get one. And the fact we even made the appt probably meant we needed some peace of mind.

Long story short we decided to go through with it. I was so nervous, and was crying the entire time. The procedure itself lasted about 30 seconds. The dr. who performed it has been doing amnios all day every day for the last 20 years or something, and the nurse said in the last 4 years she's been there, only one person has had an issue post-amnio. After almost fainting in the lobby of the hospital (I have a weird fainting complex that is totally mental, I can go down after bee stings and almost bit it in the RE's office when the nurse was just showing hubby how to do my first shot) I went home and put myself on strict bedrest (even though the dr. said to just take it easy), and got the call that afternoon that Skooter is 100% healthy. I can't even begin to tell you the weight that has been lifted from our shoulders, and I'm just glad we can finally put this behind us.

Its been a tough couple of weeks, and sorry again for worrying you guys!! In other happier news I'm pretty sure I have Dav.id Beck.ham brewing in my tummy. Skooter is kicking like crazy, last night especially and I'm pretty sure he was trying to let mommy know he was okay! My stomach totally pops and hubby and I love watching from the outside...SO crazy!! Oh, and with our level 1, level 2, and amnio ultrasounds we somehow managed to stay strong and not find out the sex and there were no he/she slip ups from any of the techs. So Skooter will be surprising us all when he/she is born in January!

Happy Anniversary...

2010-08-12T09:43:00.005-05:00

To me and hubby!!! Tomorrow August 13th will be our 5 year anniversary! I wanted to post today because Friday's are my busy day at work and I desperately need to get a mani/pedi during lunch tomorrow. Anyways, I've literally been counting down to this weekend for the last 4 weeks. Not only is tomorrow our anniversary, but Saturday is one of my girlfriend's weddings, and Monday is our 20 week ultrasound! On top of that its a long weekend because hubby and I took Monday off for the big ultrasound.

And to top it all of, last night after we did our every other nightly dopple...I was rubbing some lotion on my tummy and felt a little bump. I instantly made hubby put his hand there with mine on top and a couple minutes later our hands both bumped, and I felt like a little pop in my tummy. Of course I went through all the other things it could have been, gas bubble, weird digestion...but this was so distinct, we thought it just had to be Skooter? I guess only time will tell but it was amazing all the same, and hubby's face was just priceless. He's always telling me I'm so lucky I get to feel Skooter, but hopefully soon he will be feeling him too on a regular basis!

What's even crazier about being married 5 years, is the fact that I've known hubby for over 9! We met at the end of sophomore year in college. I was blind drunk and bummed because the guy I currently had a crush on totally ignored me at the bar, so we moved on to the next bar and my memory is pretty foggy after that. The back story is that our sorority house did a calendar called the men of UofI and we got guys from various frats to apply. Some of hubby's friends entered his name without him knowing and he ended up being a finalist.

The girls in the sorority got to vote the final 12 guys in, and I clearly remember my friend telling me to vote for this guy from the aca.cia frat cause he's super nice and cute. I didn't really know anyone in that frat and had never even met this guy, and I'm pretty sure I did not vote for him. Well, he made it in without my vote and flash forward to the night at the bar...I randomly bump into this guy, walk up to him and say "Hey calendar boy." For some reason I remember that part, and then I gave him this weird kiss on the cheek, but I sorta mis-kissed and hit him on the lips. Luckily he was just as bombed and went with it (despite having a girlfriend at the time), we somehow ended up back in my room and made out, until I passed out!

Turns out hubby and I had a class together, and as fate would have it we had the awkward sober bump in after class a couple days later. He had also left his jacket in my room, so he had his in to see me again. A couple more drunken nights of bumping into each other at the bar, and that was that. He broke up with his girlfriend (and hubby really isn't a scumbag cheater, he'd been looking for a way to break up with this girl for awhile but being a immature college frat guy hadn't found a good enough reason, at least until I came along, hah) and we've been together ever since!

I can honestly say this last year has by far been the toughest. Every marriage has its ups and downs, but dealing with IF over the last year was devastating. Hubby was my rock though, and I would not have gotten through everything if it weren't for him. And it is thrilling to think about the fact this last year of struggling and tears is now being followed by what could be the best year so far. Every single day I think how lucky I was to be so drunk that night and meet my gorgeous calendar boy! Love you hubby!

19 Weeks!!! *Updated with belly pic

2010-08-09T09:09:00.003-05:00

How Far Along: 19 weeks (although pic above is from 18)!!

Maternity Clothes: Still just working with the bella bands and blousy tops from H&M & Forever 21! I did go into two maternity stores this weekend in search of a maternity wedding dress, which was a total bust!! Each store had like 4 things which weren't cute, and even if they had been they looked HUGE! Also maternity clothes are expensive...I mean there was definitely cute tops/sweaters and stuff, but if I can make my own stuff work why not save the moola for baby stuff!

Stretch Marks: Nope, but my skin feels so tight! I seriously don't see how this bump can get any bigger without my skin just ripping apart. I guess I find out how soon enough!

Sleep: Still going to be super early, and waking up about once a night to pee. I am getting a little uncomfortable as I hit the point in my pregnancy where you're supposed to try not to sleep on your back, very hard for a back sleeper. I am constantly waking up finding myself on my back, which I know my book said not to panic if you do...but there is literally no keeping me on my side.

Best Moment of the Week: Definitely yesterday when I felt Skooter moving like crazy!! He really loves A&W root beer, and it totally gets him moving.

Movement: YES!!! And until a week ago I wasn't so confident, but starting at about 18 weeks I definitely was feeling little flutters inside. Its just when you have nothing else to compare to its so easy to just write it off as normal stomach feelings. But now that I'm starting to feel it daily I'm fairly confident what I'm feeling is little Skooter. Today on the train ride in I even thought I felt a little kick or two...it was definitely stronger than a flutter!! It is amazing and weird all at the same time, and I just can't wait until hubby can feel it too!

Food cravings: A&W root beer! I've always loved my pop but stopped drinking before IVF because I always drank Coke Zero so wanted to give up caffeine and sweeteners. But a couple weeks ago I was at my parents house and they had these mini cans of A&W, full calorie so no sweeteners AND no caffeine...I had one and thought I had literally died and gone to heaven. So hubby bought me some and I get to have one every once in a while as a little treat...SO good!!

Gender: Okay, for about 2 weeks after my 16 week appt I really was thinking boy. But now I think I'm back to girl. I can't believe I could actually know if I wanted to in 1 week at our 20 week ultrasound, but we've made it this far what's another 20 weeks of wondering, hah!!

What I Miss: Nothing, I'm loving every second of being pregnant!! And I miss seeing little Skooter, our 20 week u/s is next Monday and I'm literally counting down the seconds!

What I'm Looking Forward To: 20 week u/s!

Weekly Wisdom: One day you will wake up and your bump just totally pops! It happened right around 18 weeks for me. I almost felt weird walking into work that day, like where the hell did that come from, hah!

Milestones: Almost halfway there!!

Emotions: I seriously can't believe I'm 19 weeks, and this pregnancy is halfway over. Time is definitely starting to move faster, and its starting to hit me as people starting asking about shower dates, and registering, and all that fun stuff!!

Catching Up w/ Pics

2010-07-23T10:33:00.010-05:00

Happy Friday everyone. Omigosh, I'm soooo happy this week is finally over. It's been long, brutal and busy!! We've had stuff going on almost every night after work, so i'm also super exhausted and ready for a 4 day weekend!! Whoohoo! Hubby's 30th bday is on Tuesday (he's taking the whole week off, lucky duck), so I'm taking Monday/Tuesday so we can hang, hit the pool, and all that good stuff!! We already had the big blowout party, so hubby has made me promise to keep all actual bday activies/gifts to a minimum.

And Saturday I plan to catch up on everyone's blogs because I'll be flying solo all day! Hubby has his annual Leisure Decathlon. And no, this isn't an official race/event or anything. Its a made up Olympics of sort, that hubby and his friends created a few years ago. Ten events consisting of "leisure" activities, including bags, bocce, bowling, lawn darts, beer chugging, croket (sp), pool, etc. Yes, there is heavy drinking involved here, that's sorta the point, and yes it takes all day long, and yes I worry all day long that someone is going to kill themselves (I mean lawn darts isn't suppose to be safe sober, let alone bombed). There is a trophy involved and hubby came in 2nd last year so maybe with his 30th on the horizon he could get the win!! I actually think the whole thing is pretty hilarious and would LOVE to watch, but no wives are allowed...that is a strict rule, hah!

Anyways, I have one million blogs to read/catch up on so this is a quick post to say I'm still here. And here are a few pics from all our fun events lately. Have a great weekend everyone!

Happy 30th Hubby!!!

I look majorly preggo here, I think its mostly the dress (yikes)!

Wedding this last weekend, the bump is pretty hidden with the dress. Although I did feel like a sausage stuffed into it since its not maternity and needed to be.
Loved their cake.

Yah, I really loved the cake...especially since I was dead sober and could fully enjoy every bite!

16 Week Appt & One Problem to Another

2010-07-16T13:02:00.002-05:00

So I just got back from my 16 week appointment (a few days early). As you guys know I was determined to see Skooter...so I called earlier this week and said I was still concerned about the bleed I had in my uterus (which I really wasn't but if you have a bleed might as well take advantage), and would really like an u/s to check on it. The nurse said just mention it to the dr. at my appt and she would probably have no issues squeezing me in!

And of course I was nervous about this all morning, I'm such a chicken when it comes to drs...but to my amazement she said no problem. So hubby and I scooted over to the ultrasound room to get our peek at Skooter. Well, first off it was a pretty disappointing u/s because the tech was mostly looking for the bleed (which was totally gone, YAY). She did measure the head, length and heartbeat and everything was measuring perfectly. I even asked if we could get a better look, and she said the baby is super low and my placenta was getting in the way.

Then she stopped and was like I'm going to have you undress and do a vaginal u/s, I think your placenta may be over your cervix. She walks out the door and I start freaking, what the hell does that even mean, and thank god we got this u/s today. So she's back and sure enough my placenta is totally covering my cervix, and baby's head is right on top. She then told me she was going to go tell the dr. and I would probably have to meet with her again, she brought up to this tiny little room that looked like a place where people go to get bad news. I'm talking a small circle table, a box of tissues, and a red button that says push for help (which the dr. did confirm is in every room, yes I asked).

So turns out the placenta grows where it grows, its can move with your uterus as it expands...but it won't just pick up and move to the other side of your uterus. She said most of the time it will move out of the way, but if it doesn't you have what is called placenta previa and you can't deliver vaginally because your cervix is blocked. Apparently if it doesn't move that means c-section 3 weeks early because they don't even want to risk you going into labor. She said no sex until our 20 week u/s, and specifically no orgasms for me (BOO). So now we just wait.

I of course got back to work and googled the shit out of placenta previa and yes it sounds super scary if you have to deal with it, but it does seem like its super early to be concerned and more often than not the placenta will move out of the way. The dr. told me not to stress, but she's crazy if she thinks this won't be the only thing on my mind for the next month. At least I can stop worrying on the bleed and focus on one issue at a time. Man, if it's not one thing it's a frickin other.

*Side note, u/s tech kept referring to baby as he. Maybe she calls all babies he...but I found that weird. She even asked if we were finding out, and I said no so don't say anything if you see anything, and then she was all he/she. Also the heartbeat was only 143 this time around...so now my total girl confidence is a little bit shaken...which I'm kinda excited about because let's face it, if it's going to be a surprise I'd like to at least wonder a bit!!!

Hello Friday!

2010-07-09T11:00:00.002-05:00

So right now I'm sitting in my awful new cube where anyone who walks by can see what I'm doing, but its Friday so I just don't care if people see my blogging. I'm also currently litsening to my boss (who is now in the office over my shoulder) eat the biggest bag of chips or celery or something that requires a super annoying crunch with every single bite. Ahhhh, make it stop please...its like nails on a chalkboard!

Anyways, I'm super pumped for the weekend! Tomorrow I'm throwing hubbys 30th bday party and our favorite surburban hang out place, Pin.stripes. They have baci ball courts which is just so much fun. Tonight I need to make some photoboards of hubby with all his cutsy baby pics, I also need to make brackets boards for the baci ball tournament (yes I like to keep this things official), get prizes for the winners, and order hubby's cake from costco! Tomorrow hubby and I are going to pool it up in the morning, in my new sexy maternity tankini of course, and then I'm heading downtown to get my hair done! Lots of fun stuff!!

Speaking of bdays, my 30th is in October. And seeing as I'll be about 7 months pregnant, hubby and I decided to do the big blowout for his and maybe do just go on a nice relaxing vacay for mine. We want to stay in the states, and go for like 4 or 5 days. Maybe Scottsdale, or something in Arizona, we went there for a wedding last October and it was the perfect time weather wise. Or we could do east coast, like a cute b&b somewhere. If anyone has any suggestions of cool places they've been, would love to hear them!! Hope everyone has a great weekend!!

14 Weeks w/ Belly Shots

2010-07-06T11:41:00.006-05:00

How Far Along: 14 weeks (and 1 day)

Maternity Clothes: I purchased my first maternity item this weekend...a bathing suit! And let me tell you it is sexy, hah! Its really just a tankini, but my itty bitty bikini was cutting off circulation in my boobs, and after I ate lunch at the pool the whole beer belly gut wasn't looking too hot. Plus hubby was worried about Skooter getting too warm in the sun. I tried on a couple other things but couldn't pull the plug.

Stretch Marks: Nope.

Sleep: Still super tired at night, but pretty good during the day. And I know my books tell me the whole peeing thing will go away around 12 weeks but I'm still getting up nightly to pee.

Best Moment of the Week: Hmm, I guess the holiday weekend in general was pretty good. We kept saying things like Scooter's first 4th, and Scooter's first swim...since it was actually hot enough for me to get in the pool this weekend! And as we watched the fireworks hubby put his hand on my belly, and it felt like all three of us were watching! I can't wait for him (and me) to start feeling movement down there! Oh, and I think we finalized our names when we were laying at the pool this weekend. I still totally reserve the right to change my mind, but as of today I love our two names! Still debating if I'll share early or not.

Movement: Hopefully getting close to some movement action, my book says at the end of month 4 so we'll see. Probably still a few weeks away.

Food cravings: Still lots of fruit, I made pretzel jello salad for the 4th and that has definitely been hitting the spot. Oh, and spaghetti is definitely up there!

Gender: Hubby and I are both thinking girl now. Although I refer to Skooter as a he always!

What I Miss: So I'm getting use to the lack of ultrasounds now, only because I have my trustly doppler on my nightstand. I guess if I had to admit one thing it would be iced coffees from star.bucks. On the weekends hubby and I walk to our little downtown for star.bucks, and my iced tea lemonade (no caffeine if you get passion tea) is just not the same. I suppose I could get decaf, but isn't there still caffeine in that?

What I'm Looking Forward To: My next OB appt which is a week from Friday, hubby and I are hoping we can sneak in an u/s somehow. Still trying to figure out how exactly, but I'm determined to see Skooter!

Weekly Wisdom: Be careful when holding other people's drinks! This weekend at the parade hubby gave me his cup of beer to hold while he unfolded chairs, well I took a swig of his beer instead of my lemonade...and I of course know one sip of beer would be absolutely fine. But instead I freaked and spit it out on the street in front of tons of people, hah! It just tasted so wrong in my mouth I couldn't even swallow!

Milestones: Told my boss today! So I'm officially out of the closet now!

Emotions: I guess the same as usual, so unbelievably excited...but the nerves are still there. I'm getting better at pushing them to the back of my head though. And openly talking baby stuff with people who have heard the news, even allowing myself to daydream about baby stuff and nursery ideas. But even today before telling my boss I had to call hubby and make sure I wasn't jinxing everything by telling. And I just can't believe I'm 14 weeks!

12 weeks

14 weeks

(please excuse the shiny face and air dried fro)

Catching Up - Bulleted Version

2010-06-30T13:37:00.003-05:00

Hey peeps!! Like I said I've been SO busy at work which doesn't help my blogging. Know that I'm at least keeping up with yours and even if I'm not commenting, I am reading!! It also doesn't help that we moved floors last week and now my boss, who use to sit on the other side of the floor with absolutely no visual on me (allowing for my 1.5 hour lunch breaks), now sits in the office over my shoulder. Not only does this affect my lunch schedule but also my facebook, blogging, online shopping, etc. Basically its the worst thing EVER!!! But here are some goods things going on:

Today I'm 13w2d pregnant, whoohoo!
Last night we did the doppler (because I was convinced my yorkie Bella had hurt Skooter when she jumped onto my lap) and we hit the money spot. Skooter's heart was beating away and it was crystal clear, best sound ever!
We have fully announced to everyone (except work...when did you tell your boss) that we're pregnant. I'm shocked at how many amazing friends I have that have sent congrats on expecting cards. I'm assuming I avoided this section of the card aisle completely in the past. I want to get better about that in general though, its SO fun to get something unexpected in the mail!
This weekend is 4th of July which means long weekend, YAY! Since moving to the burbs hubby and I always host our families for the 4th, since we live right where the parade goes by in my town. Always makes for a fun day! Even my grandpa who is 94 comes up from the southside and watches the parade, he's so cute!
I'm starting to feel like I'm showing, but it does weird me out how much my stomach changes throughout the day. In the morning I look a little bloated, but by bedtime I swear I look like a 5 month pregnant person. Is this normal and does that happen to anyone else?
Hubby got me the boppy body pillow for my 12 week present, and its AMAZING!
And to celebrate the end of the 1st trimester hubby and I are having a date night tomorrow since we're taking Friday off. Dinner at wildfire followed by a movie...can you guess what I'm seeing?? You know it, Eclipse here I come...actually more like Edward here I come! Dam he's so frickin hot, hubby I love you more though!

Hope everyone has a great and safe holiday weekend!! And on Monday I'll be doing my 14 week post with some belly shots. I took my first at 12 weeks, so we'll see if there's any change from pic to pic!!! I'm betting chowing down all day on the 4th should help my belly cause!

12 Weeks!!!

2010-06-23T08:37:00.005-05:00

How Far Along: 12 weeks (and 2 days)

Maternity Clothes: Just my bella bands for now.

Stretch Marks: Nope, and I got some cocoa butter which I'm slathering on every night now.

Sleep: While energy during the day has definitely improved I still need a lot of sleep. Even when I go to bed early I wake up in the mornings feeling like I'm hungover.

Best Moment of the Week: Seeing Skooter yesterday at our NT scan!! He/she is the cutest little thing, and was bouncing all over the place. But in between bouncing Skooter was chilling with its legs up like it was in a recliner. It was too cute and I never wanted the u/s to end. Here's a pic, you can see the legs on the right and both hands are up by the face. The left one you can see the tips of the thumb and fingertips right there by the nose. The right hand is covering the mouth.

Movement: Still too early!

Food cravings: I could eat chipolte veggie bowl for every meal, watermelon, anything sweet!

Gender: Still thinking girl, reasons are the heartbeat theory and face breakouts. Yesterday's heartbeat was 165 bpm (they say the higher it is = girl, and lower it is = boy). And during the wedding weekend I got a facial and my facialist was 5 months pregnant. She had just found out they were having a girl, and had the same forehead breakouts as I did...she said that was a girl symptom as well. And hey, if were totally off base that would be great too because I can't think of anything cuter than a mini hubby!!

What I Miss: Now I'm definitely missing the weekly u/s as yesterday marked three weeks since my last one. The doppler has truly been a savior. We're so good at finding the heartbeat now that we just do it every night before bed for like 30 seconds. Also, I'm missing worry free sex. Its just not the same when all you can think about is running to the bathroom to see if you're spotting afterwards...I know we'll get there but in the beginning its just frickin scary!

What I'm Looking Forward To: Telling everyone! We told a few people at the wedding but I totally chickened out and didn't want to fully announce. I just needed yesterday's u/s under my belt. So I think I may email my friends today with the pic of Skooter. I'm still nervous since we've been keeping it a secret so long, but I'm excited for everyone to finally know!!

Weekly Wisdom: Random symptom of pregnancy is increased hair growth, well apparently my hair got the memo all new growth should occur on my stomach! Yes, I have a full on treasure trail of blonde hair, in addition to some all over fur. It's weirdly long and just ain't sexy.

Milestones: 12 weeks - almost out of the first trimester!!! And successful NT scan!

Emotions: Starting to believe this is happening. Seeing Skooter yesterday was just so amazing. I definitely have a start of a bump which is exciting too, I took a 12 week picture finally but its on my other camera so I'll have to download later today. And I also pulled out the pregnancy books finally. I had bought a couple last year when I got pregnant and after the miscarriage hubby hid all pregnancy related stuff. I never asked for them because I didn't want to jinx this pregnancy, or something.

Bad Blogger

2010-06-14T11:20:00.002-05:00

So I must say I've been a terrible blogger of late. I'm trying as hard as I can to keep up with all yours, but I've been super busy at work which is where I do most of my blogging. I know I know, I'm a bad employee. But 90% of the year I'm bored to tears, but in the summer we have our insurance renewals which I'm in charge of and they really piss me off cause I'm forced to be a decent employee and get some crap done. And I have to admit...back in the fall when thoughts of a summer baby were on my mind I also thought about the chance of my maternity leave falling on insurance renewal season. Oh well, clearly I'm meant to have a January baby so I'll suck it up and get this shit done.

And on top of that we have an out town wedding this weekend in Galena. Hubby and I both grew up growing to Galena. His grandparents had a house there, and my parents had a townhouse. We always joke that we could have walked right past each other way back in the day!! I have so many great memories of that place, we'd go there in the summer and winter...and I have since recruited my friends on numerous skiing trips there and hubby and I have gone for several weekends on our own. The thing I love most about Galena is it never changes...they have this cute little town, with the same candy store I went to when I was 10, that you can weigh on those old school scales. My mom only let me get 1/4 lb, and it was all about getting the gummies which were way lighter than chocolate stuff, hah!!

I also met Jas.on Prie.stly, Ia.n Zieri.ng, and Dav.id Aus.ten Gree.n in Galena. I know, SO random. And believe it or not...it was when 90210 was fairly new, I was in 4th grade which meant 90210 obsession!!! They were doing some celebrity baseball game at the Field of Dreams (which is not too far away), and as fate would have it they were staying at the townhouse attached to mine!!! I listened through the walls with cups all night long. I remember being so upset because Jason Priestly was smoking (which in my 4th grade head was equivalent to doing drugs, hah)!! We got autographs and tons of photo ops, I mean really...how amazing is that story?!?

Needless to say Galena is a very happy place for me, so hubby and I took Friday off and are heading up Thursday afternoon to extend the trip. First stop is Happy Joe's for some taco pizza, yum! And then Friday hubby is golfing with the boys (he's standing up) and I'm heading to the spa for my first mani/pedi since finding out I was pregnant, can we say way overdue. I know I'm a freak but when I googled online it said to make sure they didn't rub your feet or ankles in certain spots cause they're pressure points that induce contractions. Every article online just says to tell them you're pregnant and ask they only rub your calves. But let's be honest...I felt a little silly going in at 6 weeks with NO bump whatsoever being all I'm pregnant so can you not rub my feet, hah. But that's just me.

Another first this week for me is highlights!! OMG, you have no idea. I was due for highlights before I started IVF, but skipped in fear the chemicals would somehow affect my eggs...seriously I have problems. So my point is I literally have 4 inch roots of dark brown hair (with some evil rogue grey strands...okay, i've only found like 2 but they're much easier to find against dark hair), ick!! The combination of the dark roots, gross feet and nails, and totally broken out forehead is definitely not a winning one. It's summer and I'm ready to be blond again, YAY! Maybe I should take before and after pics to document the improvement, hah!

What else, tomorrow I go for blood work for my NT scan next week. Wednesday is my last weekly acupuncture (and then I'm just going to go monthly until my package runs out). And then Thursday is my 12 week appointment with the OB (a few days early) but I wanted to get confirmation everything is good before the wedding. We may start to tell people at the wedding. I asked hubby if he wanted to bring it up to the guys, and he suggested I just bring it up to the wives/girlfriends. The idea of telling people is so weird to think about, I mean I'm excited don't get me wrong...and for my own friends I'm planning a whole cute announcement. But we're going to be at a wedding, and I certainly don't wait to create a huge spectacle...so I may just tell one or two of the other wives and let the news spread on its own. And I think I'm going to wait and tell all my friends after the NT scan (a week from tomorrow) so I can send them all a great pic or video of little Skooter.

So today marks 11 weeks so we're getting very close to 2nd trimester. I think I'm starting to let it sink in a little more, I'm definitely starting to feel more confident talking about this pregnancy like its actually happening. So in any case if I'm MIA this week you know why, and I should have a great post for you next week post highlights/wedding/NT scan! Have a great week everyone.

10 Weeks!!!

2010-06-07T11:16:00.002-05:00

How Far Along: 10 weeks

Maternity Clothes: This weekend I got two new bras which are b cup...whoohoo (previously an a)! And two bella bands which are awesome, and now I don't have to worry about my coworkers noticing my jeans are unbuttoned everyday!

Stretch Marks: Nope.

Sleep: Still going to bed super early...although Friday after my bloggie dinner (which was so fun) I came home and forced myself to stay up and watch Friday Night Lights (love Coach) with hubby, and totally paid for it the next day. I seriously felt hungover...so I guess I need to stick to my 10pm bed time!

Best Moment of the Week: Seeing Skooter last week of course! And, it's so funny a few of you mentioned getting a doppler to ease my worries...cause one was already on the way! I begged hubby to try it this weekend as I was almost 10 weeks and promised I wouldn't freak if we couldn't hear the heartbeat (such a lie). Well, after a little searching I THINK I found it. I didn't anty up for the digital one...so we're just relying on counting what we hear. But you can hear mine down there, which is super slow...and then this other faster one. Assuming that actually is the heartbeat it truly is the most beautiful relieving sound ever!

Movement: Still too early!

Food cravings: Still chipolte, but got the worst heartburn from it last time. And still fruit, the juicer the better, oranges and watermelon are my fav! Oh, and Salt & Vinegar chips...I've always loved these but the other day driving home from work I actually stopped at a gas station to get some!!!

Gender: Still no clue, although hubby and I have started to make predictions. He of course thinks boy and I think girl!

What I Miss: My weekly ultrasounds. Although I did manage to move my 12 week OB appt to a week from this Thursday (I'll technically only be 11w3d) but I'll get confirmation everything is good before the wedding!

What I'm Looking Forward To: My next OB appt...literally counting down the minutes!

Weekly Wisdom: Walking into the maternity store to buy my bella bands was totally scary, so make sure you're prepared. I just felt like such an impostor, even when they asked me my due date at check out...I swear I felt like I was lying or something!

Milestones: 10 weeks - double digits baby!

Emotions: Same as before excitement mixed with constant anxiety!! I remember commenting on preggos blogs when they hit 10 weeks and thought...wow, that sounds really pregnant! Something about double digits. And here I am at that same spot, its almost surreal. And I'm just so thankful to have gotten this far!

Hope everyone's Mondays fly by!!

My Name is Andrea...

2010-06-03T08:38:00.004-05:00

...and I'm addicted to ultrasounds. Yes, I believe I have a problem. So as we all know I sneakily made my u/s appt for a week earlier than my OB said to. And then Tuesday afternoon hit and I was like I absolutely cannot make it to Friday so I called and changed it to yesterday...hehe! It has been over a week since my last one...and at the RE I was getting weekly u/s so I pretty much was going out of my mind...I needed to see Skooter! I'm basically having a symptomless pregnancy (with the exception on my insanely broken out forehead) and for me no symptoms = one effing crazy pregnant lady. How can you feel totally normal but have a baby growing in there...I don't get it?!?

The kicker is of course now I have a 3 week gap between yesterday and my 1st trimester screening, so I've really screwed myself. BUT, the important thing is I got to see baby Skooter yesterday and it was amazing as usual. Below is a pic of my little teddy graham! Still not quite looking like a baby, but aren't those little arm buds adorable (head on left laying sideways)?!?

So of course today I'm obsessing about how I get in to my OB office sooner, see I told you I have a problem! Hubby joked they're going to have signs of me in the offices, saying do not let this girl sneak in...hah! So we have that wedding the weekend of the 6/19 and I would really like to go public with our news. One I'm excited to start telling people, two I believe a few people are on to me and it would be nice to finally come clean, and three I'm really over the fake drinking! We went to a bday party last weekend and I had to hold a cold beer all day and eat bbq stuff with nothing to drink cause we were on these people's roof top and all they had was a huge cooler of booze. You know how tempting it is to take a sip of beer when chowing down a burger, especially when you're dying of thirst. Brutal!!

Anyways, I know I have absolutely no reason not to think everything will be just fine (you would think my last 7 u/s would convince me of this), but I have this irrational fear of going public, and then going to my 1st trimester screening the following tuesday only to find out something was wrong! I even tried to bump up my screening to the thursday/friday before the wedding but you have to be 11w4d which I will be on Friday (but they don't do u/s on Fridays, ugh) and Thursday I'm obviously 11w3d....so out of luck there.

So my new plan is my OB told me to u/s in 2 weeks (check), and schedule appt with her for 4 weeks. So now I'm thinking maybe I can move that appt up to the end of my 11th week right before the wedding instead of the week after. She said we'd try using the doppler to hear the heartbeat and if we couldn't get it I'd just get a regular u/s (ding ding ding)! So I may try to sneak that out this morning.

I know...how crazy do I sound that these are the things I obsess about! Poor hubby, he actually has to listen to these plans on a daily basis. In any case despite my case of the crazies, today I'm just going to remind myself how amazing little baby Skooter is doing, and how truly grateful I am each and every day!

Now I'm Normal

2010-06-01T11:34:00.002-05:00

Hey bloggies, hope everyone had a great long weekend! Hubby and I were busy with bbq's and pool time and all that great stuff. Why does one day make SUCH a huge difference, the weekend feels soooo much longer and the work week feels so much shorter.

In any case just wanted to catch everyone up with me. Last Thursday I had my first OB appointment, which was exciting because I had graduated but also a little nerve wracking since I knew I was going back to an office where getting pregnant is a normal everyday occurrence. And you don't get weekly u/s or have dedicated nurses you can psycho dial with questions. It definitely weirded me out, to be thought of as normal after feeling anything but for so long. Not that I really thought I would be treated differently because I came through the RE, but its just an adjustment I'll have to get use to.

My appt started with the nurse, who's first question was when was the date of your last period. Umm, I seriously couldn't remember...I know my retrieval date, and transfer date, beta date...and I probably could have calculated back but when you're put on the spot and I'm bad at doing math in my head, I just really couldn't remember. So she jotted down my transfer date and said that would work. She said I would be getting some blood work, some STD swabby test in my whoha, and said the dr. would be in soon.

So I've actually been going to my OB for a couple years and I love her. And she works in a practice with all other woman OBs which I really like. She did say she was so happy I was here, but then started going through the usual stuff. Similar to my RE she is super laid back. She okay'd just about everything from working out (which I don't do) to eating soft cheeses (as she said any american ones are made with pasteurized milk anyways...still won't be doing), and traveling up until 34 weeks. Oh, and I did ask her about highlighting my hair (this was seriously my only question, hah) which of course she gave me the go ahead on, although I'm still waiting until right before 12 weeks when I have a wedding and 3 in. of dark brown roots with blonde ends will just not do!

She did say I wouldn't see her for another month, but I could come in for an u/s in 2 weeks to calm my nerves...thank you!! And of course I sneakily made it for this Friday, which is more like a week but who's really counting. They also outsource the 1st trimester screenings to a genetic specialist or something for the NT scan...so I made an appt for that ultrasound in 3 weeks.

After my appointment they had me meet with the benefits coordinator...and this is when I started feeling WAY too normal. She started going through my insurance, and all the co-pays/out of pockets costs/etc. It was just so weird because she kept saying well if you deliver in 2010 it may be this, but if its 2011 you will have to pay the whole deductible, yada yada yada. Like hold up, I'm actually going to be having a baby here...I'm still wrapping my mind around the fact I'm preggers.

Oh and then she gave me some form for the circumcision fee and explained how that worked depending if you were finding out or not. And while she's going through all this all I kept thinking was, I'm only 8 weeks...are you sure we should be doing this now...don't you know I'm a crazy fertility IVF patient and hardly believe I'm pregnant, let alone ready to talk about circumcision costs?!? I'm sure for most people this is totally normal but I was just not prepared. She told me she didn't need the forms back for a couple of months and hopefully by then I start to feel normal enough to tackle those bad boys.

So now I sit and count the minutes until my u/s on Friday! Have a great week everyone, let's hope it moves REAL fast!

8 Weeks!

2010-05-24T16:13:00.002-05:00

How Far Along: 8 weeks

Maternity Clothes: Nope, but I haven't buttoned my jeans for the last month...but that's just from the bloat post IVF and the mild OHSS.

Stretch Marks: Nope.

Sleep: Totally going to bed super early these days, I used to be the craziest night owl, I'm talking 1am sounded early to me! These days I'm lucky if I make it to 11pm. And sometimes that's with an afternoon nap after work!

Best Moment of the Week: Seeing little Skooter last week, I cannot get enough! !

Movement: Way too early, but lots of twinges and gas bubbles going on down there...freaks the shit out of me.

Food cravings: Spaghetti with meat sauce (weird since I've never liked meat sauce), fruit, smoothies, chipolte veggie bowl...could literally eat this every night for dinner since I'm way too lazy to cook these days!

Gender: Absolutely no clue, and we're not going to find out either so be prepared for a long wait my friends!!

What I Miss: Not being bloated, seriously I don't even remember what my old flat stomach looks like. Once its actually baby related I won't mind at all...bring on the maternity jeans, but this huge ovary bloat is ridiculous.

What I'm Looking Forward To: Finishing 1st trimester, going public (right now only our parents and a small handful of friends who knew I was doing IVF know), stopping PIO shots!

Weekly Wisdom: Spicy foods are not kind to your stomach, and if gas cramps freak you out avoid them in the first place. Goodbye Uncle Frank's hot sauce!!

Milestones: Making it to the 2 month mark!

Emotions: Right now I have to admit the anxiety is still outweighing the excitement (which I hate). And I'm so ready to be done being scared and worried about every little feeling, or lack of feeling. It's also still really hard for me to believe I'm pregnant, especially when you don't feel much in the way of symptoms. I keep reminding myself this is really happening, but then the worry and anxiety sets in and I'm back to square one. Its a vicious little cycle!

Happy Monday everyone!

Catching Up

2010-05-20T11:37:00.002-05:00

So I have just been the biggest slacker ever lately. Although IF consumed my life, I could at least still function and get through daily life. Now that I'm pregnant, its out of control. All I care about is taking care of this little bean inside of me, and so I've taken relaxing and taking it easy to a whole new level. My bed has literally become my best friend and I usually get in it after work for a quick nap, and nights that I use to spend cooking/cleaning/watching tv/blogging have turned into laying on the couch, taking my progesterone shot, and passing out way too early. My acupuncturist said to take it easy so I'm taking that a bit too seriously, hubby jokes that I've put myself on bed rest, hah!

I guess the good news is I'm tired, because that's pretty much the only pregnancy symptom I'm feeling right now. Oh, and lucky me...my only other noticeable symptom is major breaking out on my forehead!! I'm talking little bumps everywhere, like high school style. Honestly, it's something and I'll take it so no complaining here. I've had a couple moments of feeling yucky, but I'm still not convinced it isn't all in my head. I've never once had that omg I'm going to puke sensation. Even my boobs don't hurt as much anymore, although they are definitely still bigger. Oh yah, filling out my A cup bras, woohoo!!! But the nurses and u/s techs have all assured me the boobs hurting thing is from progesterone anyways, and my lumpy sore ass knows better than anyone we're still doing the PIO shots, so I know I've got that covered and I'm just trying to go with this basically symptom-less pregnancy.

Tomorrow I'll be 7w4d and have my last ultrasound and consult scheduled before I'm shipped off to my regular OB (I think, I have mild OHSS and small amounts of fluid, which is why I get to go back tomorrow or I think I would have already graduated). I told my RE I really don't want to go, and he keeps reminding me that being normal is a good thing. But also warned me they probably will do ultrasounds every 4/5 weeks...and I'm pretty sure that may kill me. I've had one a week for the last three...and now I'm suppose go for a month like it's no big thing. I had the most amazing u/s lady last week, who told me how she ultrasounded herself every day she of her pregnancy...seriously why didn't I become an u/s technician, such bad planning! She did say how I have every right to be nervous, going through fertility treatments with the addition of having very few symptoms, and if I need to go in there and demand an u/s than I shouldn't feel bad doing it. Something tells me I will definitely be taking her advice!

So that's all, and other than that my weekends are starting to get crazy, we have our second year in a row of a crazy wedding season (I think 9 this year, maybe 7 last). 5 of my best friends are engaged, and 4 are getting married this year. Which equates to a insane summer filled with showers/bachlorette parties/etc not to mention the actual weddings, 2 of which are out of town. So hubby and I are in for an action packed summer! Our first wedding is for hubby's friend and is June 19th in Galena (one of hubby and my fav places so we're super excited), which is also a couple days before I hit the second trimester so if all goes well we could actually go public for that wedding, so I think I may actually be more excited than the bride for her wedding date, hah! Til then I'll just keep chugging along, okay now time for some blog catch up!

All In a Year

2010-05-12T09:33:00.002-05:00

So I've been a terrible blogger this past week, and I'm sorry if I'm behind on commenting. Basically I've been super on edge starting since this weekend, as I knew I was rapidly approaching the time in my pregnancy last year when everything ended. Scarily enough, the dates are working out to be exactly the same. Last year on Mother's Day I was 5w6d and we told our families, they were completely shocked and over the moon since they didn't even know we were trying. Then two days later it was all over, and I knew getting pregnant would never be the same. Fast forward exactly one year later, months of trying on our own post miscarriage, 4 iui's, 1 ivf and here we are at this Mother's Day...I was also 5w6d. I mean what are the chances that this pregnancy would line up to the day of last years, my due date is off by only 1 day.

In any case since we never made it to the first ultrasound last year, I've just been envisioning the worst about my next one...which was supposed to be next Tuesday. Yes...supposed to be since I of course freaked out last week and a super nice nurse let me change my ultrasound to this morning!! Well it turns out that all my fears and worries about everything we wouldn't see were wrong, because today we saw one beautiful little bean with a teeny tiny flickering heartbeat. It was just amazing, I of course was on edge and barely took a breath the entire ultrasound...but hubby looked on and teared up, basically the most perfect moment!

We are of course bummed that Scooter or Skeeter didn't make it, and my RE said we couldn't be sure they ever even started or what happened. And I think deep down I didn't really believe it, that first u/s lady just seemed way too wishy washy to the point that I never told anyone with any confidence we were having twins. And so hubby and I have re-named this little bean Skooter (with a K)...get it, it's kinda like a combo of the two names. I feel beyond lucky to have gotten to this point, and when I walked out of that office with my pic of little Skooter I finally realized this pregnancy is different, and everything started to feel a bit more real. I'm so incredibly thankful.

Introducing...

2010-05-04T17:15:00.002-05:00

Scooter & Skeeter (we think)!!!

So yesterday I was totally shocked when my nurse said I could schedule my first u/s appointment between 5-6 weeks. And even more shocked when she said there was an opening today, I was totally preparing to wait until at least next Monday when I would be 6 weeks. But I gladly took the early appointment because its been just killing me wondering how many babies were in there. My betas have been nice and high, and I had a dream this weekend where I saw two perfect sacs on an ultrasound screen. Well, it turns out my dreams just may have come true!!!

I literally was holding my breath the entire time, and she found one sac right away...and at that point I'm like okay its just one and I would obviously be thrilled with one baby. But then all the sudden she goes, okay this might be another one. She seemed very hesitant to commit to anything which I get, she can't go promising crazy infertile preggos there are x babies when they're are really y. But she did offer to get a pic showing them both, and put it in a super cute little folded frame which I will now be carrying with me everywhere I go!

Then we walked in for our consult with Dr. C and for some reason he makes me super nervous, which equals me being very awkward. Seriously, my hubby and best friends can attest that I can be THE most awkward person ever...fun for other people who laugh at my expense, but not for me when I start pitting out my shirt and turning red. Today I was so weird I managed to make hubby blush, which is a new accomplishment for me! But we walked in and he said something about the blue plate special, and putting two in and getting two out. To which I responded we only wanted one, which of course I meant we just wanted at least one to be in there and luckily recovered before hubby had to step in to clarify (since Dr. C has originally recommended putting in 1 and we were the ones who pushed for 2). He also said he figured it was two based on my betas.

I don't even remember all the other weird shit I said, but to sum it up at one point Dr. C said at least I wasn't the scary movie type of neurotic! I also asked him why the baby blobs were so far apart (something hubby assured me was just due to the magnifying of the u/s and begged me not to ask), and he said in real life they're more like a finger apart. Let's just say Dr. C is extremely low key (a bit much for my neurotic self), and pretty much told me I could go run on a treadmill for 30 min, have sex, jump on a trampoline, ride a horse, eat whatever I want (except the cheese thing) cramp or spot a little and it would be totally fine. Okay, I added the trampoline and horse but I mean he might as well have thrown it in. Little does this guy know I've been driving to work because I'm worried about walking to and from the train station, and even when I drive I'm super cautious about bumps in the road, and yes I asked him if I could bump the babies out!

After lunch I kept asking hubby if Dr. C really said there were 2 in there. Hubby was like weren't you in that consult too, and I was and I know he said 2 but I'm finding it so hard to believe, could we really be that lucky? And the u/s lady just kept saying it was so early and how things could change, so I think its just a way to protect myself before I go shouting twins from the rooftops. Well, only time will tell and for now I'm going to enjoy the thought that both Scooter & Skeeter could be growing in my tummy. Next u/s is set for Tuesday, May 18th and we should definitely be seeing some beating hearts!!!

Beta #2

2010-04-29T15:03:00.003-05:00

We officially have doubling betas people. And considering I'm a finance person I should be good at math, but I'm actually quite terrible at math in my head. Now give me an excel sheet and I can rock the crap out of those numbers, but in my head forget about it. But so this is more than double in 2 days, and we're aiming for double in 48-72 hours so this is good right? The nurse of course assured me both my hcg of 618 and progesterone of 122 were great, but somehow coming from you guys puts my mind even more at ease!!!

And of course the minute the nurse says, okay and we just want to see you for one last beta on Monday the worry returns. Now I have to spend all weekend waiting, again. And to make it worse hubby is off to Vegas for a bachelor party so I'm packing up and staying at my p's. And I just keep reminding myself if nothing else I have at least one baby in there who's rocked two betas so far. Keep it up Scooter (and maybe Skeeter)...you're making mommy so proud!!!

The Results Are In....

2010-04-27T13:28:00.002-05:00

And I can't believe I'm even typing these words but....I'M PREGNANT!!!

The Dr. just called and my HCG at 10dp5dt is 234 and progesterone is 84, both of which he said were awesome. And I made a confession to him, which I now need to make to you guys. I totally already knew!!! Sorry to those of you I had fibbed to about testing, I never intended to test...I'm usually not a tester, I can typically hold out and with the pressure of IVF I wouldn't have been able to take a BFN.

BUT, remember this post when I said I was testing the HCG out of my system in case I had the urge to POAS. And hubby told me the line on Tuesday was basically gone but I could still kinda see it. Well, I needed that stark white absolutely no line confirmation...so after hubby left for work on Wednesday (4dp5dt) I got up and took one more test. And of course the super faint line that had showed up on Monday was back!! So now in my mind I'm like wtf, that dang trigger shot still isn't out of my body yet...and I'm 9dpo. I researched online and they said it can last up to 10dpo...but then I realized we only did half the trigger since my levels for so high! So could it actually be a BFP?!?

Well now I'm hooked, and of course when I get home from work on Wednesday I POAS again and the line gets a tiny bit darker...and I don't have to squint to see it. I didn't have any more tests so I had to wait until Thursday when I got home from work and that's when I attempted with a digital FRER...and sure enough Yes+ popped up!!! I sent the pic to hubby and told him this may actually be the real deal. We decided to keep it to ourselves until the beta, it was one thing to get our hopes up...but we couldn't risk doing that to our families only to let them down if this wasn't for sticking around at least until the beta.

We are so excited and thrilled and cannot believe how lucky we are, but at the same time it really is hard to believe. This last year has just been negative and negative and then boom, a BFP. Its really hard to let that sink in, and truly believe that this is all happening...to us...finally...almost a year to the date from our last BFP. Everything in my body wants to believe this is it for us, that all our struggles were just leading to this time around when the stars would align, but after a loss, even if it was a year ago...the doubt creeps in oh so quickly. I promised hubby to try my best to just remind myself each day that today I'm pregnant and that's all I can really do. I plan to take it step by step, and just enjoy every frickin second along the way. So next step, beta #2 on Thursday. Cross your fingers for good doubling times!!!

Sounds of Music & 6dp5dt

2010-04-22T18:04:00.005-05:00

So there's been a few people who have posted about this song. I first saw it here on SS's blog, I remembered hearing the song once or twice and liking it, but once I read the words...in the perspective of IF I was hooked. I immediately downloaded it that night to my i.phone and have been listening to it on repeat ever since. And I'm going to tell myself its not just coincidence that hubby has heard the song 4 times so far in our tww! Whenever he was running out to get me food or something he'd come home all happy cause he heard that song on the radio! He called me the other day, and he just held the phone up to the radio...such a sweetie my guy is!! So if you need something to pep you up this Friday, go download Mr. Bu.ble!

I Just Haven't Met You Yet
I'm not surprised.
Not everything lasts.
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in.
I talk myself out.
I get all worked up, then I let myself down.

I tried so very hard not to lose it.
I came up with a million excuses.
I thought I thought of every possibility.

And I know someday that it'll all turn out.
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

Mmmm... I might have to wait.
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing, And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your love is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.

Mmmm... But somehow I know that it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

They say all's fair.
And in love and war.
But I won't need to fight it.
We'll get it right and, We'll be united.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And being in your life is gonna change me.
And now I can see every single possibility, mmmm.

And someday I know it'll all turn out.
And I'll work to work it out.
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get, Than I get, than I get, than I get.

Ohhh! You know it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

I just haven't met you yet.
Ohh, promise you, kid, to give so much than I get.

(I said love, love, love, love...)

I just haven't met you yet.

So that's my happy place I just know things really are going to work out some day song, but let's be honest with IF there are times you're not so sure, and you feel beaten down you wonder if you'll ever find your way out. And when I'm in the sad place, I turn to the following song by Kendall Payne. I can't tell you how many times I've blasted this song in my car and just bawled my eyes out. I first heard it on Grey's Anatomy, and its now definitely one of my favs. Lately some awful things have been happening to some amazing women in our little bloggy world, and my heart goes out to these girls, its so unfair and I don't understand why anyone should have to endure some of the things we've all been through, or are going through now. But despite all of these terrible awful things, this song reminds me there is always hope.

I Will Show You Love

I will show you love like you've never loved before

I will go the distance and back for more if you just say the word

You will come alive again and call the trying times your friend

The pain that you have suffered through will never get the best of you
You will hope in something real that won’t depend on how you feel
When you call my name then I will answer, answer

I am on your side though the wind and waves beat against your faith
You were on my mind when the world was made
Trust in me my child, Trust in me my child

Walk out on the water where you have no control
So scared to death of failure you sacrifice your soul, please let that go
You have climbed an uphill road, You have worn a heavy load
You have cried through endless nights and nearly given up the fight
Watched your dreams like falling stars the heartaches made you who you are
Now looking back you see that I have always been there

Cause I am on your side Though the wind and waves Beat against your faith
You were on my mind When the world was made
Trust in me my child, Trust in me my child

Where you gonna hide? Where you gonna hide from Me?
Where you gonna go? Where you gonna go that I can’t see?

Cause I have heard your cry
And it breaks my heart, for I love you so
I will never lie
This is not the end
There is still a hope

Cause I am on your side
Though the wind and waves Beat against your faith
You were on my mind When the world was made
Trust in me my child, Trust in me my child

Happy ICLW & 4dp5dt

2010-04-21T08:23:00.003-05:00

Welcome ICLWers. Very exciting times here!! To give you some background we're unexplained infertility, and have been trying since Jan '09. We got our first BFP au natural last year on 4/24 but sadly miscarried two weeks later. We've come full circle and just completed our first IVF cycle (4 failed IUIs prior), and oddly enough I am again hoping for a BFP this year on 4/24. My beta isn't until 4/27 and I'm not sure if I'll try to wait it out or not. Today I'm 4dp5dt which means I'm technically 9dpo. We transferred two beautiful embabies which now go by Scooter & Skeeter, and we have two snow babies that we can hopefully save for down the road. I'm hoping with everything I got this will be my cycle!!

And to update my progress so far, this has basically been the most agonizing week ever. Saturday and Sunday after the transfer were fine, since I was basically a huge waste of space on my couch, watching movie after movie, napping with the pups, and hubby doting on me 24/7. He was seriously the sweetest little nurse ever!!! He must have gone on 8 different food runs, and made this super comfy bed for me on the couch that he would not let me get up from except to pee and eat! But come Monday and Tuesday, and I had decided to work from home just so I didn't have to do the whole trek from the train to work and could maintain my light activity status. And my thoughts and my arch enemy google got the best of me.

Yesterday I had a mild panic attack when it occured to me that my lining could potentially be too thick, a thought which randomly popped in my mind. So I start crazily googling this and of course find some mixed findings. People saying your lining can't be too think, people saying anything over 14mm is bad and can affect implantation, so cue the tears streaming down my face as I realize mine was 16.5. Great, so my overly ambitious lining is the thing that is going to ruin this. Hubby suggested I call the nurse, who assured me I shouldn't worry about it and if I was really worried I should call my dr. Well, I've been saving my call Dr. S card this whole time, so I thought this was the perfect time to play it. Of course I still had to go through his nurse, but she relayed his message that my lining was 15.5 at the time of transfer which is perfect, and he's seen many women with linings thicker than mine get preggers, and to STAY OFF THE INTERNET!!! Hah.

Today I'm back at work, and I never thought I'd be so happy to go back to the office. I also scheduled a very needed acupuncture appointment for after work today...need to get zen again. As for symptoms, well my boobs effing kill. Which I blame entirely on the PIO shots, since this started before the transfer. And aside from that I really don't feel anything, which is just adding to the crazies! I did POAS Monday & Tuesday to test out the trigger shot, IN CASE I decide to test for real. Monday I had a super faint positive, and Tuesday was basically negative. Although I think I can still see a shadow of a line...hubby thinks we're in the clear. And that's that, we just continue to wait and hope and pray for the best!!!

I'm Pupo!!!

2010-04-19T08:19:00.004-05:00

I can't believe I'm saying that, in a way it seems like this whole IVF cycle has been a blur! I remember popping my first bc pill thinking the end seemed SO far away. But now I'm entering the home stretch, and I just hope this final week isn't quite as agonizing as last...but I have a feeling that won't be the case! Hello worst tww of my life! Please be kind to me, and if its not too much to ask a BFP would be amazing!!!

Okay, so now to the details of the transfer! Friday night I don't know how I slept at all, hubby and I were so nervous...especially since we really didn't have any details about our embabies since the call on Wednesday. I swear I kept waiting for the call to tell us there was no need to come in on Saturday for the transfer. Even on our way downtown that morning I kept praying that my phone wouldn't ring.

So Saturday morning arrived (with no cancellation calls), and I got up and showered and then we headed downtown for my first round of acupuncture at 8:15am. On the way down I downed a V8 to start the whole process of filling my bladder. I finished up around 9, and we headed over to my clinic which is next door. The nurse had told me to arrive at 9:20 so we were a little early which turned out to be brutal because they didn't end up calling us to go back until close to 10. Probably the longest hour of my life! So they bring us back and I think okay, finally!! But no, we sat in that dang room for another 50 minutes. I wasn't nervous for the procedure, we just wanted the news on our little embabies...because hubby and I were still waiting to make our decision on transferring 1 or 2 until we knew what we were dealing with.

I was also pacing my water drinking for a 10:20 transfer time, and not an 11:15 transfer. And let me tell you when someone tells you to drink but not pee, pretty much the ONLY thing you can thing about is how badly you want to pee...so brutal!! So finally my Dr. arrives a little before 11, he gives us the low down on our embabies. We have 4 very good quality, and the last little guy is moving a little slow but they're going to keep watching. I was totally shocked, I had pretty much given up the hope of freezing any of these guys and here we were with 4 blastocyst babies!! Hubby and I took a few minutes to decide what to do, the Dr. said we only had to transfer 1 with our quality and informed us that transferring 2 would give us a 5% chance of having triplets, which he definitely wanted to avoid with me being on the smaller side. We made a game time call to transfer 2!

The procedure itself was super fast, about 5 minutes and very similar to an IUI. I was beyond nervous while they did it though, almost in tears. I kept my eyes closed the whole time, and just concentrated on not peeing on my Dr. And yes, being me...the person who is always saying inappropriate things...totally told my Dr. I was scared I was going to pee on him. I couldn't see if face, but hubby said he looked VERY scared when I said that, hah! But my god, these people were an hour behind...can you imagine how my frickin bladder felt!

So to wrap this up, I'm now PUPO with two little embabies...who are nicknamed Scooter and Skeeter. The embryologist called yesterday to tell us they successfully froze our other two blastocyst babies, but unfortunately the last guy didn't make it. She also said we transferred to really really beautiful embryos so hopefully I won't be needing the frozen guys for a little while. Oh man, we can only hope!! So begins what I imagine will be the longest and most agonizing tww so far. My beta isn't even until the 27th, a week from tomorrow!! I swear that seems like a really long time, and still haven't decided if I'm going to try and hold out (hubby's preference) or POAS. I guess time will tell, which me luck girls...this is it!!!

ps...That is not my picture (apparantly my clinic doesn't do that, bummer), I do have a pic of the screen shot of the u/s with two teeny tiny white dots when they shot the embryos in my uterus. But its pretty blurry!

Waiting for the Call - Updated

2010-04-16T10:07:00.003-05:00

Ahhh, waiting again...will the waiting seriously ever end!?! I'm so close I can taste it, which only makes me all the more nervous to see what all this waiting will end with. But here I am waiting for the call to tell me my embabies are still going strong, and what time my transfer will be tomorrow. And I apologize for the suspense, but they did call on Wednesday the day after this post to tell me all 5 embabies were still doing their thing, and I had been pushed back to a 5 day transfer. Cue tears of joy, you would have thought she just told me I was preggo or something! And thank you as always for all the kind comments, with so many people hoping and praying for my embabies I just feel beyond blessed!!

So I literally didn't want to let this woman off the phone, I wanted her to tell me a million more times that my embabies were okay, and made her assure me over and over they would continue to check and call me if anything changes (duh). Still, I needed her to say it. So also told me now I just had to wait until Friday for the call with my transfer time tomorrow. So now I'm waiting again, I'm dying to know how my embabies are doing.

Its funny because if someone would have told me when we were getting started that the hardest week of IVF would be the week between ER and tranfer, I would have laughed and said why? You're not doing shots (except PIO which really aren't as bad as I was expecting), you aren't all hyped out on drugs, you aren't pumping your ovaries full of follies, you get a bunch of eggs and just bide your time until the transfer. So wrong. So very wrong.

I mean this waiting for embaby updates has been just torturous, truly. And the post retrieval side effects really caught me off guard. Sure they told me to drink Gato.rade which I did at first, but by day 2 I felt fine. Then comes day 3 when it literally feels like I ate 7 thanksgiving dinners and can not make that feeling go away. That night my throbbing ovaries literally woke me up twice. It wasn't super painful, more just freaking the crap out of me...hubby got me some tyl.enol and a heating pad which seemed to help. I was convinced my ovary was twisting (something I read while researching OHSS that day at work when I was having the stomach issues) which can result in actually losing your ovary. This is supposed to be extremely painful and very rare, but hey at 2am I was probably not thinking rationally!! In any case I was convinced I was having OHSS and my transfer would be cancelled.

I went to my clinic yesterday morning for a scan, to which I checked out totally normal. No fluid buildup anywhere (a sign of OHSS), and my ovaries are just super swollen. They're normally 2 cm (is cm right), well the u/s lady said they're normally 2 and right now mine are 8 each. So its kinda like having 3 uteruses in my body, which is putting pressure on my bowels, intestines, stomach...pushing everything up. And gravity is pushing everything down onto my hugely swollen ovaries, which apparently takes a week or two before they shrink back down. So while my internal organs battle for space in my body, I just have to grin and bear it. Really looking forward to the days when I don't have to feel my ovaries on a daily basis, ugh!!

Wow, so this post just got really long...in summary today I'm feeling much better. Ovaries are still a rockin, but stomach pressure is better. And my emotional state will hopefully be better once I get this frickin call! C'mon my little embabies, make mommy proud!!!

***Just got the call from the nurse, transfer is scheduled tomorrow for 10:20am!!! I'm so excited we made it. She didn't have an details on my embabies, just that the lab noted they were still being cultured. Really wanted more info, but one more day will hardly kill me. She did say that typical protocol for a 5 day transfer was to have at least 4 good quality embryos. And she said they definitely would have called if something drastic has changed!! And my Dr. is the one on call tomorrow, so he'll be knocking me up...so to speak! I was wondering if he was going to get through this whole thing without seeing my whooha at least once, hah!!!

From Over to Under Achiever

2010-04-13T11:12:00.002-05:00

I really wish that title could be different. I really wish a lot of things were different, but if there's one thing I've learned from my past cycles...is when things seem to be going smoother than they should...expect a blow to hit you when you least expect it, for me at least. I wish I could go on about how my egg retrieval was super easy, and we got 15 eggs, and how yesterday I was on cloud nine that it was over and successful. I wish those were the details I was sharing with you.

But today the fertilization report call came, of my 15 eggs, 12 were mature, and only 5 fertilized. And remember we're doing ICSI so they're literally placing a sperm in each egg. Last night I was happy with 15 because I thought even if half fertilize I'd be more than okay with that number. But today our fertilization rate is at 40 something percent. I looked up one stat online and with ICSI they estimate 75-85% of eggs will fertilize. So what's up with my frickin eggs. No wonder we haven't gotten pregnant yet. And how the hell did we ever get pregnant on our own a year ago?!?

I know I should be happy and grateful, and believe me I am. I have 5 little embabies that I didn't have yesterday, and that in itself is a success. But embabies will only get you so far, and with my history of miscarriage and possible multiple chemicals...I can't help wondering how far these embabies will make it. What will the call tomorrow be, how many will make it through the night. Forget freezing...I'm worried if any will make it to transfer. I know I'm probably being super dramatic, but I'm scared. I thought the hard part was over, but this is unbearable. I thought with 15 eggs I wouldn't have go through the drugs again, but now I don't know. All I know is nothing is certain...and like I said going into IVF there were no guarantees. I knew this going in, and I'm not even out of the game yet...but I'm just so scared.

I'm trying so hard to remain hopeful, I'm praying so hard for these 5 little embabies...the woman who called said I should be happy and she often has to call with news that no eggs fertilized. I'm just so worried that call is still coming for me, that my eggs are shit, and even IVF can't help us. I'm so sorry for the downer post, I want to be happy, and positive for my embabies...they deserve all the hope in the world and I should not be giving up on them now. But I'm just so scared, and I don't know how I'm going to make it until tomorrow for the next update.

Here We Go...

2010-04-11T20:24:00.003-05:00

Just a quick update, went for a follie check yesterday and nurse called in the afternoon confirming we were ready to trigger. Official trigger time was 9:00pm last night, meaning our retrieval is set for tomorrow at 9:00am!! I of course can't wait to get this part over with, but am super nervous because I've never been under before and don't really know what to expect. Yikes!!

And so far with this whole IVF process I feel very lucky for many reasons, the ER came pretty fast, while the shots sucked they were definitely bearable, and my follies are definitely cooperating. On the other hand I know a million things can go wrong, and we're hardly out of the woods yet. This is going to be a long week waiting to find out how many eggs fertilize, continue to develop, what the quality will be, will we be able to freeze any, etc! All things hubby keeps reminding me I can't control so let's just get through tomorrow, and take this one day at a time. Ahhh, if only it were that easy!!

Wish me luck girls, and thanks for all your support so far! You're the best!!!

Monitoring - The Sequel

2010-04-08T08:41:00.002-05:00

So two days of waiting for you next monitoring appt is way more bearable than four! This morning came super quick, and I was of course totally excited to get another glimpse at my growing follies. Even though it meant getting up an hour earlier, for the fourth day this week so I could drive my butt downtown. I miss my morning naps on the train, ahhh...the good ole days. So the headlines are my follies are bustin, both the u/s lady and the nurse who took my blood called me an over achiever...love it! I've graduated to the daily monitoring so I go back again bright and early tomorrow, and this nurse is guessing trigger Saturday and ER on Monday!!

I'm already so excited to get these eggies out of me, my ovaries are acting up. It's not painful, more like constant twinges or throbs! Its almost like there are two little parties down below, and not quiet little cocktail parties...I'm talking frat guy style keg parties, lots of action!! I much prefer knowing they're there and doing their job without actually feeling it. But a small price to pay for some great looking follies. Here are my stats:

Right ovary: 16, 16, 15, 14, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 10, 9
Left ovary: 17, 14,5, 14, 13,5, 12, 11, 10, 10, 10, 9
Lining: 14
Estradiol: tbd

The nurse said they like the follies to be between 15-20, so we're getting close here people. Tonight I continue my meds, 10 iu's Lup.ron, 75 iu's Men.apur (which stings like a mother...ouch), 75 iu's Folli.stim (which was lowered from 150 to 75 on Tuesday because my estradiol was on the high side for CD8).

So I'm sure you can tell IVF has pretty much consumed my life this week, and I plan everything around monitoring appts, acupuncture appts (so excited for this afternoon), which days I need to drive (every day), giving shots at the right time (which hubby had to do last night in our car while parked in a parking garage downtown), and planning for my ER so I can attempt to give work some notice I'll be out. I think I'm going to shoot the email today to my boss that "the little procedure" I had previously mentioned may end up being this Monday, but I won't know for sure until Saturday so I'll email him this weekend and confirm. I'm sure that won't confuse the crap out of him, I'm dying to know what he thinks this procedure might be, hah! Okay, and now time for some serious blog catch up!!!

Monitoring Report

2010-04-06T10:49:00.004-05:00

Ah, Tuesday at last!!! Halle-frickin-lujah! Last night I was just on pins and needles all night long, could not sleep, when I finally did pass out had a dream I went in for monitoring and my follies were huge and I had to trigger immediately. They were worried they didn't have enough time to develop, so yah...pretty much my worst nightmare. So much for not worrying about that!! Anywhoo, monitoring turned out to be great...my follies are just right, not too big or small! Here's the current count:

Right Ovary: 12.5, 11, 10.5, 9.5, 8.5
Left Ovary: 12, 11.5, 10, 8
Lining: 9.5
Estradiol: 649

The ultrasound lady said there were 5 more on each side that were too small to measure, but could definitely pop by my next ultrasound. And my follies were "nicely spaced" meaning we want bundles of grapes...all similar in size! My RE said the goal was 10-15 follies, so I think I will definitely be within that range. I'm just Soooooo relieved. I just felt like once I had this first monitoring appt under my belt, it would give me some insight to how at least the follie growing portion of the program was gonna go. And tonight I actually reduce my folli.stim from 225 iu's to 150 iu's, but adding in 75 iu's of Men.apur. And I'm still on the 10 iu's of Lu.pron. Hubby came with today, so he got his Men.apur mixing lesson (there are two viles with a powder and liquid that have to be mixed, similar to a trigger shot), so tonight we're onto 3 shots a night! And I go back in on Thursday morning for monitoring part 2!

So today I'm feeling great!! I have been suffering a little from some Lu.pron induced headaches, which my acupuncturists have been all over, and am starting to feel a bit bloated. But really, so far so good. Except my poor tummy...which is starting to get a little sore, more from hubby trying to get a good pinch each time than the shot itself. My new estimate for trigger is Saturday, 4/10 and ER on Monday. So we'll see, stay tuned!

Finally Friday!!!

2010-04-02T09:42:00.002-05:00

Friday has arrived, and I couldn't be happier. Not only is it supposed to be another gorgeous day in the Chi today, and even though I feel like the only one in the city who's working, I'm wearing a new super cute top from my major retail therapy spree yesterday, AND I start stimming tonight!! Wow, it seems like a million years ago my RE told me he thought we should go IVF but now we're are really in it.

And I'm ready, I'm so excited and oh so hopeful. The past few days I've really been going overboard on the worrying, this huge semi-irrational fear that I'm going to be the fastest responder ever and overstim by my first monitoring appt was really starting to get to me. It's just the build up with IVF is almost worse than the process itself, seriously...bring on the needles, the waiting I can't take ANY longer. But hubby and I went on a super long walk last night with the pups, and got out all our fears and concerns about IVF. I know, hubs has fears too, I was totally shocked...hah! But he does, and I don't ask him nearly enough what he's worried/scared about...so I thought it was a great prep talk! And I realized I have to trust the doctors, they know what they're doing, and worrying about things I can't control won't do me any good. That and the nurse, my acupuncturist, whoever else I could ask all assured me the chances of me going in on Tuesday, and having over 35 follicles is near impossible.

So we start tonight and Tuesday am is my first official IVF monitoring appointment. It's funny because I told hubby last night that until this point it almost didn't seem real, like sure hubby is giving me my nightly Lu.pron injection...but I have nothing proving to me anything is actually happening. I really think going in there on Tuesday, seeing a bunch of follies (hopefully) will hit it home that this is for real! Hubby is going to come with me, because as much as I'm not worrying anymore, I know that morning I will be a nervous wreck...Monday is just going to be brutal!

As for the weekend I'm fairly busy so hopefully it will go by super quick. Tonight is couples game night downtown, I tend to be a tad on the competitive side...so game night is my absolute fav. My favorite, Taboo...although hubby refuses to play with me because I can often act like Vin.ce Vau.gn in that scene from the Break Up. Yah, I admit...it's not pretty...but I like to win and I'm sorry but when you sit and stare at your card and say nothing for 30 seconds, well...then you shouldn't be playing taboo in the first place, hah! Love you hubs, and you knwo I dominate that game!! Then Sunday we have Easter brunch at my p's and Easter dinner at the in-laws, so all in all should be a great weekend, and one that will hopefully keep my mind off my upcoming monitoring! Have a great one everyone, and for those of you working I hope you get out of there early!!!

1st Round Results Are In

2010-03-30T12:16:00.004-05:00

Okay, so I'm doing MUCH better in my IVF brackets than my NCAA ones. Geez, this is like the year of b-ball upsets, huh? Not great for my brackets (since I pretty much went with my winning theory of last year's pick the favs), but it honestly makes it so fun...I love pulling for the underdog! But in my IVF bracket I'm 2/2...which means I got my period today! I've literally never been so happy to see blood, and I'm praying this is the last time I'll ever have to wish for my period to come! But it's here and I called and made my first official monitoring appointment for Thursday morning, and if I'm good to go I'll start Folli.stim that night, whoohoo...let the games begin!!

In other news this weekend I had Sunday brunch with Egg from SuchAGoodEgg, Erin from stateiamin, A from aplusbwaitingforc, Al from missionmotherhood, and A from thebabyrace. It was such a blast, I was seriously looking forward to it all week long. As many of these ladies have posted on their blogs...if there is a silver lining at all for dealing with IF, creating my blog which in turn led me to meeting these amazing women is definitely it!! We chatted for hours, literally...and I just feel so lucky to have them in my life now!! As same goes for all of you, I seriously don't know how I would be getting through all this IF crap each month if it weren't for your awesome support. Thanks for cheering me along, especially as we get going with IVF! Means the world to me, really!!

April Madness

2010-03-25T11:56:00.003-05:00

No I didn't get that month wrong, but in this post (my 50th I might add) I'm going to attempt to take a stab at estimating the VIP dates of the IVF cycle. I mean why not have a little fun why I'm injecting myself daily with meds. And for the record I absolutely love March Madness, and if I toot my own horn am pretty frickin good at random guessing! Last year I actually won my dad's office pool, which has like 50 people in it. Actually I dominated the pool, let's just say I had every one of the elite 8 correct, can we say unheard of. Last year was also the first year that all the top seeded teams made it to the elite 8, yes I tend to pick the favs (a girly thing to do my little bro has told me)....but whatever. They announced me the winner before the final game because nobody could even catch me at that point.

And let's take the a step further. March Madness may be my second favorite time of the year after xmas. Growing up my family went to Hilton Head, SC for every spring break...my absolute most favorite place on earth (after maybe Hawaii). But I have so many amazing memories from all those years of trips. Hubby and I have even gone back a few times with friends on our own and my parents a couple times, and someday we've decided that Hilton Head will be our spring break choice for our family. And what always occurred over the week we were there, the finals of the NCAA tourney. So I've seriously been doing this for like 20 years and I love it!!! I really don't even like sports, but something about doing the brackets takes me back to when I was a kid with the fam in Hilton Head rooting for my picks for a chance for bragging rights of winning the pool!

So back to IVF. I went in for my cd21 monitoring appointment today, and am just waiting for the call from my nurse that all systems are a go. And the u/s lady told me I had 12 follies on one side, and 14 on the other...she said they liked over achievers on "this side" (the IVF side) of my clinic. Yay, I most certainly hope to over achieve this cycle, but not over stim!! I start Lu.pron tomorrow, period is expected 5-7 days after I start Lu.pron. Then I have a baseline cd3 monitoring appointment, and folli.stim starts that night. The tricky part is guessing how long I'll be on folli.stim, which is whenever my follies are ready.

So here is my April madness bracket:

3/26 - start Lu.pron (this is an easy one, hah)
3/30 - AF or CD 1 (this may be a day or two early, but I frickin hope it comes fast)
4/1 - CD3 and start Folli.stim
4/5 - she said I come in on day 4/5 of stims...so I'm going with 5.
4/8 - trigger...so this assumes I would only be on stims for 8 days, BUT I just think I'll be fast...based on all my other previous cycles.
4/10 - ER
4/14 - Transfer (hopefully we get a 5dt, and I'm not sure if you count the ER day or not)
4/23 - Beta???

So those are my VIP April Madness date picks. We will see how close I come to my predictions here. And here is the really freaky thing. I know there's no way to predict these dates (even if I was a crazy psychic last year in my NCAA brackets), but if I'm even a little on target...last year I got my one and only BFP on 4/24 (my half bday). So how insane after all these cycles that my IVF beta would line up almost to that date exactly one year later. I have to say, it honestly gives me some weird hope. I will always fondly remember that day (May 13th on the other hand I have a serious issue with), but 4/24 is music to my ears. And the thought of that day approaching, one year later, and the stars aligning just right gives me hope that maybe 4/24 will once again be my most favorite day of the year!!!

Finding Balance

2010-03-23T13:32:00.003-05:00

So I feel like lately in the blogosphere there has been a theme of finding balance in your life, and not letting IF control your life. And I think I could definitely benefit from the type of mindset. Because if I'm being honest I have failed miserably over the last few months. But I can't help wondering how I find this balance, when my life is consumed with ultrasounds, blood tests, organizing my life around my trigger shots and iui's. I think most people agree when you're dealing with IF these types of things have to become some sort of priority, or you wouldn't be dealing with them in the first place.

But even so, I have to remind myself that IF is just one part of my life. And while it may feel life consuming right now, I am still in control, and at the end of the day that level of consumption is up to me. Plus I'm a very busy girl, day job, my website, starting a jewelry business, blogging, possibly tearing my house down this year and working on the plans...so you would think I have enough to keep my mind off IF. But yet when I find myself with free time, I always seem fall into the IF trap.

However, keeping my mind off IF isn't really the goal either. Hubby and I are trying to have a baby, this decision alone warrants some attention. And on top of that we're now doing IVF, a very big decision that will demand even more of my time. Who can fault me for putting a big portion of my energy and focus into ensuring this is the best cycle possible. IF is a part of who I am now, so while I don't want it to control my everyday life, I also don't want to pretend like it doesn't exist in my world. So my question is how do I balance?

I think I read in my IVF packet that dealing with stress effectively was a key to reducing it. They said that stress is normal, and let's face it the chances of me not stressing during this IVF cycle are slim to none. But you can manage it, they suggested setting a specific time every day to deal with any concerns/questions you're dealing with. This sounds good in theory, but take this weekend...I started spotting, am I really going to wait for my "allotted time" before I started psycho googling breakthrough bleeding...hell no!

So my question is what is the answer, is there one, or is this just another thing about IF that I have to just deal with? I'm determined to find the answer, figure out a way to balance my life. Because if there's anything I've learned from being on the pill these last couple weeks, is that life before IF was pretty frickin good. No dr. appts, no cycle planning (okay, so I've totally been counting down the day, but whateva), no twwing, just enjoying my life with the hubs!! So now I'm determined not to be the IVF girl, but instead just be a girl that had to do IVF.

Step one of my goal was making massage appointments this weekend for the hubs and myself. I'm so excited, hubby has never had a massage so he doesn't even realize the treat he's in for! Its so the last thing we need to spend money on right now, but I'm looking at it like this is the last weekend before we really get going here, we're on the cusp of what could be the most exciting month of our lives! So why not kick it off with some good old fashioned quality time! But I would love to hear your thoughts, any tips for finding a balance, before my scale completely tips!!!

Red Alert & Priority Alert

2010-03-21T16:31:00.006-05:00

First off, welcome ICLWer's!! Thanks for stopping by, let me give you a quick summary of our journey so far! Started trying in January '09, got pregnant on our own in April '09 only to miscarry in May at 6w2d. After several months of nothing happening, we saw an RE and have since completed 4 IUI's (3 on clo.mid, 1 on injectibles) all BFN. A couple may have been chemicals, but I'm not sure they just weren't residual hcg trigger shot left in my system. In any case, due to my responding too well on the 50 iu's of follistim my RE recommended we move on to IVF. Right now I have one last week of birth control before we really get going here!

So this weekend has been a busy one for us! We had three birthdays between hubby and my family in the last week, my mom, his dad and sister. Friday night we were getting ready for dinner with my parents, and all of the sudden I felt a bit crampy. I was blow drying my hair thinking, geez it seriously feel like I'm going to get my period. I go to the bathroom, and BOOM...red alert red alert, I'm frickin bleeding! And not just your harmless spotting...not full out period, but enough to cause a major panic.

I of course assumed the worst that this was of course my period, and now the whole cycle is ruined and I would have to be on birth control for three more weeks!!! And also freaking because it was 6:00pm on a Friday, and of course I had to start bleeding after my RE's office closed. Hubby attempted to calm me down, and I psycho googled bleeding on the pill on our way to dinner. My findings confirmed that breakthrough bleeding while on the pill is very common, especially if you're just starting it. This calmed me down enough to make it through the night, but man...I thought the three weeks on bc would be the easy part, hah!

So that morning I woke up, still spotting/bleeding, but at least it hadn't gotten worse. I promptly called the on call nurse who reassured me it was totally normal, and told me to start popping two birth control pills and refill the prescription to get me through the week. She also said I would still get my period once I stopped the pills, so I felt so much better after getting off the phone with her.

Which brings me to my next alert of the weekend...priority alert! Saturday morning we also received my IVF meds shipment! Although I probably should have been crying, as I knew the box was filled with meds that will wreak havoc on my body and emotional state, all of which are given through the 42 syringes inside...I still felt like a kid on Christ.mas day as I ripped it open, and neatly organized all my meds on the counter! Mostly I just wanted to get my IVF rite of passage pics...aka, holy crap look all this sh*t I'm going to inject into myself in attempt to make a baby...I have to document this!!! I know you've seen them before but here they are.

I won't bore you with the details of what they'll all be used for. But I feel like I'm just one step closer to starting this process! Thursday I go in for b/w and u/s and to review my meds calendar with my nurse. And if all goes well I think I start the Lu.pron injections on Friday to overlap with the last three days of birth control. This break has been nice and probably needed, but I really think I'm ready for IVF now...and so anxious to make it to the other side with a frickin BFP!!!

We go together like PB&J

2010-03-17T16:40:00.007-05:00

So the other day my hubby said maybe the cutest thing ever to me. He told me that every morning when he make the pb&j's for our lunches, that after he's done he looks to see which one is the better sandwich...the one he would want, and then gives that one to me. Awwwee, my heart melted right there. Such a little thing but it just totally sums up my guy. He's awesome, he's my best friend, and we just go together...like perfectly, if that makes sense. And I feel lucky every single day that he's mine!

For starters, he's not technically a morning person...but does deal better in the am than I do. So hubby gets up every morning, does his morning routine, feeds the pups, makes our lunches, comes back up and gets me up...sometimes he literally has to drag me out of bed (I shower at night so I can just brush my teeth and go), and I come downstairs and he lays everything I might need by my purse because my brain usually isn't functioning, since I woke up about 5 min. ago. He's amazing, he does this every morning and never complains! If the roles were reversed I know I would be bitching every day!

Hubby is also incredibly hard working, it amazes me how much effort he puts into his job. Most nights he doesn't get home until 7, and then he works most of the night on his laptop...not every night thankfully...but he puts in a lot of hours. The hard work has most certainly paid off, as he was just recently promoted and was the youngest person to reach this particular level so quickly. And while he enjoys his job, I know a big driving force is him wanting to be able to support me, and hopefully one day our future family.

And on top of all this, he's just the nicest guy you've ever met and would literally do anything for anyone. I mean he went to the frickin premiere of s.ex in the c.ity with me, even though I was seeing it three days later with the girls...need I say more? And all of these things just make it that much harder every month when we get a BFN. This guy is seriously meant to be a daddy, you should see him with our dogs. When Bella had surgery he worked from home the whole week and sat by her side all day every day. He's patient, and understanding, and is so excited about creating this amazing life for our future family. He so deserves it, which is why every month not only does it break my heart we aren't pregnant, but that I can't give this to him.

As we head to the next step of this journey I know he'll continue to be the amazing supportive hubby he's been so far. Dealing with IF takes a toll on the hubby sometimes in a very different way than for us...and I'm sure a lot of guys out there would not be so willing to deal with all the bs that goes along with fertility treatments, but luckily I got one who is. And I value that immensely. He'll give me every single shot without batting an eye, and will do everything in his power to make this process as easy on me as possible. And all I can hope is that at the end of this we finally get that BFP, because I'm frickin dying to have this man's babies!!

So I just want to say thank you, for being there, being my rock, remaining optimistic at the times I no longer can, and reminding me every day just how lucky I really am. Love you baby.

***Oh, and just to clarify my RE isn't Dr. Kaplan (G&B's RE), mine just works in the same practice as him!

IVF Consult

2010-03-15T10:56:00.002-05:00

For starters, sorry this is a long one, but I have a very cool side story so just keep reading!!

So this morning at 7:30am I went to my official IVF consult. We were given our packet of info at our last appointment, and hubby and I sat down and reviewed everything yesterday. Going through the paperwork alone was overwhelming. I never thought about it, but when you're planning on hopefully freezing embryos you need to decide what to do with them, if a) something were to happen to me b) something were to happen to hubby c) something were to happen to both of us and d) if we get divorced. Not a super fun conversation to have, but I guess just another thing that comes along with IF.

In any case after going through all the paperwork and coming up with our list of questions we felt ready to go. This morning the Dr. basically went through a very detailed explanation of each part of the process. Again, this was very overwhelming. Its funny because before I knew anything about IF procedures...I always thought of IVF being the slam dunk procedure. Sure I knew there were a bunch of shots you had to give yourself, but why wouldn't anyone do that when it guaranteed you a baby. Boy was a I wrong.

Yes, the success rates of very high. But there are about a million things that could go wrong with any IVF cycle, some that may actually prevent you from getting to perform the IVF cycle. That's probably my worst fear right now, going down this path only to have the cycle cancelled, which after meeting with my Dr. is a valid concern. He said since I'm young, and responded very well to drugs I have a higher chance of over stimulation (which is actually a very serious problem to have). He said he's planning to start me out on a lower than usual dose, but it's really a guessing game of getting that correct formula of drugs that is perfect for my body. And until he sees how I react, it's really a guessing game until he hits the sweet spot.

We went through all my questions, and one of which was regarding a sheet of blood tests we needed to get prior to IVF. I was asking him if this was necessary since we've already completed all of these tests, and he informed us this was really for people who were coming to the clinic for the first time and were going straight to IVF. Now here's my super fun side note...when he said that he mentioned there is a particular Dr. at the clinic that tells everyone to do IVF no matter what. And this is so random, but leads me to my side story...my fav show Giu.liana & Bill's season finale was on last night (which was so good by the way)!

***Spoiler alert ***

They find out their IUI was unsuccessful and the Dr. recommends they see a fertility specialist about IVF. When they go to this appointment in the upper corner of the tv they flash the name of my fertility clinic!!! Hubby thinks I'm just like Giu.liana in terms of fertility stuff, and I totally think hubby is like Bill (I told hubby last night that if we get pregnant and they get pregnant we are SO being them for halloween, other options are Jack & Kate from lost, or Coach and Coach's wife from Friday night lights. Don't ask my why I'm planning Halloween costumes now, and hubby has vetoed all of these anyways, but c'mon...how cute would that be)...so we got weirdly excited about them going to our clinic!!

Anyways, I asked my Dr. if it was Dr. K who tells everyone to do IVF, and the only reason I asked was because that's who G&B saw on their show last night. And he said, oh just wait until next season...we're going to be on it all the time. And I told him they were recently on the view and said they were starting their IVF cycle soon. And he said oh yah, they were here on Friday filming! So now I'm seriously hoping I see them in the waiting room, how cool would that be?!?

Okay, so enough of my celebrity obsession and back to IVF. We finished up the consult, and then met with the nurse to witness all the important signatures and that was it. I now just need to call and have the other nurse order my meds, and hubby has to go in to give a sample to freeze for backup purposes. But then I'm just waiting to start Lu.pron. I have 2 more weeks of bc, and you overlap with Lu.pron the last few days.

On one hand I'm so excited, and can't wait to get this show on the road. I have high expectations because I have responded so well in the past, but this also worries me because obviously responding well hasn't equated to a baby. I'm very nervous about all the different outcomes there are, overstimming, canceling the cycle, retrieving no eggs, having a low number of embryos, having low quality embryos, having no embryos to freeze, giving myself all these shots, the PIO shots (my dr. has mentioned a couple times these hurt, especially if you don't have a little meat back there which I'm not kidding when I say I have no ass...like in a bad way non-sexy kinda way...its like my back continues straight down into my legs, hahah). At the end of the day its amazing we have the technology to do this...but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't beyond scared to venture down this path. I'm just so thankful I have an amazing support system, and feel relieved you guys will be there every step of the way!

When Fiction Becomes Reality

2010-03-12T13:15:00.004-06:00

So I think I've mentioned a time or two that my absolute most favorite show in the whole wide world is S.ex and the Ci.ty. I own every season, I watch the re-runs whenever there on...I made hubby go with me on opening night (my girlfriends and I saw it the following week too, but I couldn't wait), he was literally one of two guys in the entire theater...have I mentioned how much I love him. Not many would be willing to lose the amount of dignity he did that night!! So I've always pictured myself as more of a Carrie (you know we've all played that game), obviously my obsession for fashion, my long blonde hair, I'm kinda quirky like her. But who am I kidding, most people are either going to identify with Carrie or Charlotte...maybe Samantha if you live a bit more on the wild side.

In any case, I'm sure you guys all remember the scene where Charlotte is talking about how difficult it was to get pregnant, and with unfortunate timing Miranda confesses she is in fact preggers, and that it was a whoopsy baby at that. Charlotte then has a highly emotional outburst, and storms out of lunch. I remember thinking how over-dramatic Charlotte was being in that scene. Miranda didn't mean to get preggers, she herself said it...they had a lazy ovary and one ball, what were the chances! She certainly didn't DO this to Charlotte on purpose, why couldn't Charlotte just see that? Was it really that difficult. And then when they bumped into each other on the street, and Charlotte wouldn't even walk with her...I thought if I was Miranda I would so be out of there. But she didn't, she walked behind Charlotte the whole way home.

Well today I've found myself in Charlotte's shoes completely. And I can't say I acted much differently at all. Totally emotional, crying, to my shock it was so very painful. Today has truly been one of the harder days of this IF journey. And thinking back to that scene with Charlotte and Miranda, I see now with so much clarity how that news could be so heartbreaking, why Charlotte acted that way. Because when you want something so badly, and have done almost everything in your power to obtain it, with nothing to show for it, and than poof...someone gets that very same thing without even batting an eye...well, it just seems like the world is one effed up place.

I see now that Charlotte wasn't angry at Miranda for getting preggers, it really had nothing to do with Miranda at all. She was just scared for herself, of the uncertainty that comes along with IF, of that feeling of panic when you realize there are no guarantees. I know this feeling all too well. And the questions that follow thereafter, will that ever be me, will I ever have a baby, or have I just been forgotten. Because that's what it feels like right now. Obviously we all agree its not fair, why some people have it so easy, while the rest of us have to struggle so effing much. But on top of that I find myself wondering what I did, why this has to be my story, did I do something to deserve it...because I hate it. And while I now understand her reaction completely, I hate that I had to take the her role in this scene.

But here's the good news, I'm a strong girl...like any IFer is. Because if we weren't we wouldn't be able to deal with IF at all, and may not have the strength to continue to try month after month, and in many cases year after year. We wouldn't give ourself daily injections, shell out tons of cash, go through the heartache over and over again, if we didn't have the strength to believe our time will come. I said I was going to come back from Florida with a whole new attitude, and while this may have been a slight hiccup in my plan...I will not give up. If some higher force wants to really push me to the limit, well consider this a job well done...I've hit bottom and the only direction from here is up. I will not let IF break me, I will not give up.

The IF Girl's Guide to Being on BC While TTC

2010-03-10T10:39:00.003-06:00

Hey everyone, I made it back home and since Monday I've just been trying to catch up on everything. My job, my business, blogging, my house, I seriously need a few more days of vacation just so I can get back in the swing of things. But we flew in Monday morning, and literally went straight to my baseline appt. For once I thought, I could care less what shows up since I knew I'd be starting bc anyways...well I must have forgotten that nothing with IF is predictable. The u/s showed 4 cysts...2 on each side that were all around 30mm (wtf). So I have to say that freaked me out a little, and thank goodness I wasn't hoping to cycle again this month or the u/s lady might have witnessed the tantrum of all tantrums!!! hahah.

But the nurse called later that day and said the cysts didn't matter and go ahead and start birth control that night. I have to say, I found it semi-humorous to be taking birth control now after all that's happened. I mean I get it's part of the protocol, but still it feels so weird to pull it out of my purse everyday and pop that little pill like I use to back in college. Of course back in college I'd get lazy and miss a couple, and then was terrified I had gotten pregnant...ahhh perspective.

In any case, I'm literally counting the days until I'm done with this part of the cycle...i'm not good at waiting, for anything. Just ask my mom, or my husband who will tell you when I'm ready for something I go full force until I make that goal a reality. But for now, I'm forced to wait...but don't you worry cause I've got my game plan...STAY BUSY. Very very busy, in hopes these next few weeks fly by. Here's the plan:

Monday 3/8: baseline appt
Tuesday 3/9: back at work, work dinner
Wednesday 3/10: clean house, grocery shop, catch up on shows from last night like LOST
Thursday 3/11: cleaning lady for deep spring cleaning
Friday 3/12: payday, quiet night with hubby, steam clothes for upcoming photo shoot
Saturday 3/13: unofficial St. Patty's day (where I will be mostly fake drinking) but still super fun
Sunday 3/14: website photo shoot, edit pics all day, complete IVF paperwork
Monday 3/15: 7:30am IVF consult with Dr. S, 2:30pm new acupuncturist consult
Tuesday 3/16: boring Tuesday, except for Lost
Wednesday 3/17: St. Patty's day and father-in-laws bday which means yearly celebration at fun Irish restaurant
Thursday 3/18: I got nothing, oh...tons of shows
Friday 3/19: it's Friday, YAY
Saturday 3/20: Mom's birthday, another celebration
Sunday 3/21 - Saturday 3/27: need to start planning some fun stuff ASAP
Sunday 3/28: Chicago bloggie brunch, last day of birth control!!!

So luckily this month I happen to be pretty busy. I may even splurge and go get a massage or something before we really get going here. Oh, and in preparation for my IVF consult...does anyone out there have any "must ask" questions? I have a few, but this all happened so fast and I have this terrible feeling I'm going to go in there...think to myself omg, am I really at an IVF consult right now, freak the eff out and totally freeze up. So any bits of advice would be SO appreciated!!! Thanks girls!

Blogging from Sunny Florida

2010-03-05T15:41:00.005-06:00

Today is the last full day of vacay (we fly home tomorrow), and honestly this trip could not have come at a better time. Hubby and I have never needed to just get away more than right now. Although, I shouldn't say we've totally disconnected from regular life...as I'm on the couch blogging, and hubby is right next to me working on his laptop. But, we played golf the last two days, laid out poolside with coronas in hand, went bike riding, went to fun dinners, and in an hour I'm off for a mani/pedi with my mom. Ahh, please can I stay?!?

I wasn't planning on blogging, but did want to thank you all for the amazing support you have given me month after month of less than stellar news. So often with IF I feel all alone, but you all remind me that is so not the case. So thank you thank you thank you, for hanging with me on this IF journey. I did come to a semi-conclusion yesterday. Something about having three chemical pregnancies out of four medicated cycles was just not sitting well with me (please raise your hand if this seems crazy to you too). Actually, it was freaking the crap out of me...like how is that even possible, is my body literally rejecting pregnancy???

But, I kept thinking about the numbers...the HCG levels are always SO low. The first month 1.5, the third month 9, and this month 4.5. Wouldn't it seem that one month we might hit a double digit here? I asked the nurse when she called on Thursday to confirm my level had returned to 0, if there was anyway these numbers could just be residual hcg from my trigger shot, and she said absolutely. At first I told myself I should look at a chemical like things are trying to happen here so in essence it was a good thing, but the thought of recurring chemicals sounds terrifying and more importantly not fixable. Especially when you're about to embark down the IVF road. I would honestly almost feel better if nothing was happening month after month, because at least I'd know IVF would solve the problem of the sperm and egg meeting. Whereas, if I've had three chemicals and implantation is my problem...I don't think that is a sure fire fix with IVF.

I'm know I'm really just dealing with the lesser of two evils here...but when the nurse said absolutely I felt some relief. She also told me there is really no way to know, and I of course plan to ask my Dr. about this at my IVF consult a week from this Monday. But for now, I'm sticking with this theory, I'm not going to be the girl with all the chemicals...I'm going to be the girl with some pretty bad luck in the IUI department.

That's all, and when I get home on Monday I'm going to have a whole new attitude and mindset. This last month I've been feeling especially sorry for myself, and honestly that feels yucky and I'm over it. I'm sure hubby could use a break from consoling my hysterical over dramatic outbursts too (though he would never admit it). This month its all about mentally and physically preparing myself for IVF. We basically have a mini-break of three weeks with no appts or monitoring, inseminations, so I fully plan to take advantage of that in every way possible!!! And when I get home tomorrow I fully plan to catch up on everyone's blogs!!

Cheaters Never Win

2010-03-02T18:12:00.002-06:00

I cheated and took a test yesterday after I got home from work. I never test early, I don't why I did it. And to my total shock there was a line, very very faint but it was definitely there. So I moved my beta to today, woke up this morning and did another test which was lighter than the previous day. Expecting the worst, my nurse called and confirmed my fears...hcg 4.5 and progesterone 6.

I now have to find a place in Florida to get follow-up blood work done on Thursday, my nurse stated to see if it goes up or down. I'm sorry, but there is no way its going up. I almost think its mean of her to even say, let's just call this what it is...another chemical.

My heart is breaking. I am scared and frustrated. I feel broken.

Into the Dark

2010-02-28T19:34:00.002-06:00

Well guys, it was nice while it lasted but I'm officially run out of hope and am heading towards the dark. I'm getting those all too familiar twinges that usually start around 10 dpo. This weekend was a complete mind f*ck too because something was definitely going on with my chest...super sore, and not just your average period sore. I can still remember when my boobs felt like when I was preggers (since that was really the only symptom I had a chance to experience) so I committed it to memory...and this was pretty frickin close.

This weekend consisted of me constantly pushing on them to make sure they were still as sore as the last time, and pinching my nipples (which also hurt like hell). But now these twinges are really messing with head, and I just have no idea how I'm going to make it to Wednesday for my beta. Which I know I'll make it to because I'm on progesterone, which delayed my period last month, and I'm technically going in a day or two early because I leave for Florida that night.

So 3 more days, and we'll know. And not only will I know if I'm preggers or not, but whether I will start my journey down the IVF road. Ahhhh, that thought is still very overwhelming right now. But thank you so much for your super kind comments on my last post, your support means more than you know!!

Recent Developments & 8dpiui

2010-02-26T10:40:00.003-06:00

If IF is a roller coaster, then right now I feel like I'm approaching the very top of the hill (like on the Eagle at Six Fl.ags...my fav), with both hands up, in the front car, and my harness feels kinda loose...and we're slowly inching away and I'm thinking woah, here we goooooo!!! That is sorta how I'm feeling right now, in a constant state of omg. To fill you in, yesterday afternoon hubby and I went to our consult appointment with Dr. C. We hadn't seen him since our initial visit in October, so I very excited to hear what he had to say, and also secretly hoping he'd tell me he could tell just by looking at my that I was preggers. Hah, how nice would that be. Oh yes, you have the glow...congrats!!!

Anyways, he started going through each cycle discussing the follicles and their sizes, lining (did you know your lining could be too thick, which mine apparently was one cycle), progesterone, etc. He then moved on to my current injectible cycle, and started explaining how I actually responded to fast to the 50 IUs. To remind you I had a 18, 17, 16, 15, 12.5 & 11...all on day 8, after 4 days of shots!!! Can I please have the gold medal in follie growth, sheesh. So turns out the reason we had to trigger on cd8 was because he didn't want to risk the smaller two maturing, in which case he would have canceled my cycle. Thank you Dr. C for that, cause I would have been pretty frickin upset if that had happened.

He then proceeded to tell me that injectibles were too risky for me, since 50 is the lowest dosage. Umm, starting to panic...please don't put me back on clo.mid. But instead to my shock he said it was time for IVF. WHOA...this is serious, I mean really serious!! And yes, mentally I was preparing for IVF and maybe even looked forward to those crazy awesome success rates...BUT, until you're looking it straight in the face you don't quite understand the implications of going down the IVF road. I asked hubby what he thought, and he voiced my same concern...IVF is pretty much the last option on the IF road, so what happens if it doesn't work. Sure the Dr. can tell you you have a 50/50 chance, but he can't guarantee anything. That is a very scary thought, and if I think about that long enough I can send myself into extreme panic mode.

So he gave us the IVF packet, told us not to even open it until I get my pregnancy results next Wednesday, and if its bad news call to fill my birth control prescription and schedule my IVF consult with him. I mean, holy shit...talk about upping the anty. Like not only do I want to be preggers so badly, but now it could save me from going down the IVF road. Especially on the cycle where everything is coming back low, sperm count, progesterone was only 11 (which dr. claims is because we triggered so early)...still I've learned my lesson and started using the supps. And I know I said after the IUI that I was going to be realistic this cycle, but I can't help it...my hopes are sky high. And my body is seriously not helping with that, phantom symptoms galore!!!

In any case, in a few days we'll know and I'll have some clarity which I think we'll make going down the IVF road a little easier. Right now I just keep going back and forth between these crazy extremes in my head, obviously the IVF road, and then the omg what if I"m preggers with quads right now (hah, I said extreme didn't I). So I'm going to enjoy this little bubble of hope because I'll be entering my dark place in a couple of days and all hope will be shredded. And IF this cycle is a bust, and IVF is where we're headed than I'll just have to deal with it. No sense in pouting and saying why me why me, I'm a strong girl and I will do whatever it takes! Lots of people do IVF and survive, AND huge bonus...get bfp's, right? In the last couple weeks it worked for both Shanny & Wishing4One, huge congrats to you ladies!! So why not me?

Gotta Love Blog Awards!!!

2010-02-23T09:46:00.006-06:00

So blogging is great for so many reasons, but one thing I love is these bloggie friend awards...seriously they make my day!! And let's face it, they're the only awards I'll be getting any time soon!!

I've been meaning to send a huge thanks to Ashley at Fortheloveofshoesandababy2 for giving me the blogger BFF award. She's currently in the middle of her first IVF cycle, so check out her blog and send her some love for her upcoming retrieval!

The rules of this award are as follows:

1. Thank and link the person that sent it to you

2. Present this award to at least five people and explain why you chose them for this award

3. Copy and past the award on your blog

So I'm actually going to combine this with another blog I received yesterday from "Type A" at thetypeanightmare. Thank you so much for the Happy 101 award, totally made my brutally long and depressing Monday a little more bearable!!

When you receive the Happy 101 Award, you have to list 10 Things That Make My Day and then list 10 Blogs worthy of this award as well, and then you'll have the award and they'll have the award too.

10 THINGS THAT MAKE MY DAY

1. Grande Nonfat Chai Latte from Star.bucks - pricey yes, but it makes me feel all happy and warm inside when I drink them...except NOT during the TWW! And for that matter ice coffees in the summer, yum!!

2. My pups - and their never ending kisses!

3. Spooning with hubby - makes it so easy to fall asleep and so hard to get out of bed in the morning!

4. An afternoon on the golf course with hubby - can't wait to get this fix in FL!

5. Blogging - reading, comments, getting new readers, tweeting, love it all!

6. Back Scratches - hubby is a VERY good back scratcher, also good at playing with my hair but feels to need to get out all the tangles which can sometimes be extremely painful!!

7. Watching the Today Show - which means I'm either working from home or not at work at all...both of which are way better than being at work!

8. Shopping Shopping Shopping - nothing can cure me more than spending money (sorry hubs it's true). My last purchase this weekend...a pair of jeggings (jean leggings) that are SO comfortable. Perfect for my IF bloat!

9. HGTV - Love this channel, and can watch it all day every day.

10. Dr.ex in the Morning - I downloaded the I Heart Radio app on my I.Phone when I got it, and since then I developed the need to listen to his trashy talk show daily at my desk!

So since it's ICLW week I figured I would do something different and nominate some totally new blogs I've stumbled across (and some other semi-new bloggie friends). Feel free to pick either award and pass it along!!

Here are the 10 blogs that I would like to AWARD!

1. Trying to Get Knocked Up By Another Man

2. Baby Hungry

3. Our Surrogacy Adventure

4. Life, Love, & Pursuit of Our Fairytale

5. Wishing 4 One

6. Inconceivable Journey

7. Venting Vagina

8. Tales of My Follies

9. Baby OCD

10. The Subfertile Frugalista

Happy ICLW & 3dpiui

2010-02-22T09:16:00.002-06:00

Welcome ICLWers!! Thanks for stopping by, I'm so looking forward to meeting some new bloggie friends this week! To catch you up to date, we just finished our 4th IUI and 1st injectible cycle. I had a great response, and this cycle has moved super fast...but a lackluster sperm wash sent my "this is so my month" attitude into a total tizzy! I'm currently 3dpiui and am feeling good. After last months chemical, I've been eating my pineapple and brazil nuts daily to ensure if hubbys guys find my egg that the little bean frickin sticks this time.

So speaking of new bloggie friends I realize I never posted about my Chicago bloggies dinner! I was so lucky to meet Egg at suchagoodegg, Al at mission: motherhood, Erin at thestateiamin, and A at aplusbwaitingforc! I have to admit, the first time I read that Al & A had met up for drinks I was totally secretly jealous. But also realized I had just recently started my blog and maybe down the road I would be lucky enough to meet a fellow blogger! Well, literally that day A sent the email to organize a Chicago get together and I was beyond psyched!!

I can't tell you how amazing it was to meet these girls, they are funny, sincere, honest, beautiful, intelligent...really I could just go on and on. But the most important thing to me was the instant bond I felt with each and every one of them. To meet women that completely understood exactly what I was going through, was just amazing. So often with IF I feel isolated, like I'm living a double life that some of my closest friends don't even know about. But in the blog world it's all fair game, I share things with you guys I wouldn't ever admit IRL. But at this dinner, everyone just understood. And after that dinner I had never been happier about starting my blog!

And when I did start my blog, it was really just to have a place to vent my IF frustrations. But now it has become so much more, in a way I could have never imagined! I totally wish I could meet each and every one of you! How cool would it be if we could organize a huge blogger conference?!? Hah, could you imagine trying to work that into all our ttc schedules!! But even if we can't meet IRL, know that having you in my bloggie world is so important, your comments and feedback literally make my day, and I feel lucky to have met each and every one of you!!!

Things Were Going So Well...

2010-02-19T10:25:00.002-06:00

This cycle has been such a roller coaster ride, and I am just spent. From the almost cyst breakdown to the on top of the world ultrasound all in the matter of 5 days, and apparently this ride ain't stopping anytime soon. Up and down up and down we go...and I just want to frickin get off!! I went for my IUI yesterday at my lunch break. Normally I hate to go during lunch because it takes about two hours, from start to finish and I'm so nervous sneaking back into work after. But this time hubby and I came up with the brilliant plan that he would go and do "his experiment" as he likes to call his part of the IUI, and then I would go an hour later for the actual IUI. We usually wait it out together, but he had a lunch meeting and such is life.

So I arrived at the office and my form was there waiting for me, I was feeling super positive until the nurse dropped the bomb. Hubby's numbers were on the low side, 25 million with 66% motile so 16 million post-wash (I looked up some chart online and this gives us a 9% success rate). Cue the crying, and asking the nurse a million times how this could be? Normally hubby's first day is in the 90's, and this isn't something I have to worry about...so I was just completely shocked. All my hopes that this was SO going to be my month flew right out the door. And yes, the nurse reminded me I only need one, and how she's seen samples as low as 4 million produce twins. But seeing how far we've trekked down this IF road, its almost impossible to believe that I'll somehow be that miracle girl, the girl the nurses tell other IFers about when they're crying about their low numbers. I just don't think we're gonna get out of this that easy.

And to top things off last night my poor baby Bella jumped off the couch and started limping. To catch you up back in November Bella tore her ACL and had to have surgery. It was probably the worst thing in the world, I would post the pic of her post-surgery knee if it wasn't so gruesome. She had about 20 staples holding her shaved leg together. She cried straight for 3 days because of the pain patch, and for a month we had to carry her everywhere, make sure she didn't lick, jump, play with Beau, had a note asking people not to ring the doorbell, it was exhausting to the say the least. Not to mention expensive, like a cycle of injectibles expensive!! So last night we notice her limping on the other back leg, omg cue the hysterics...again (yes my eyes are super puffy today) The thought of going through that again, on top of everything else...I just can't. This morning she looked better, so we're hoping she was just stiff, or jumped funny but didn't tear anything.

Then this morning we headed back for IUI part two, and as expected the numbers decreased. I think 14 million and similar motility. At least this time I was prepared, so there were no tears. And hubby was there with me to hold my hand. I had a different nurse who again assured me she's seen pregnancies result from lower samples than ours. So now we wait, and as much as I hate myself for saying this...I'm going to be very cautious about getting my hopes up this cycle. I want to believe, I want to hope for the best...I really really do. But I also feel emotionally drained, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of cycling, I'm tried of worrying...and in this fragile state I find the need to protect myself from more heartache. I will continue to hope and pray, but I also need to be realistic.

I'm so sorry for the downer post, I really am, I hate being such a debs. So I'll try to end this with some tiny bit of positivity. Before my IUI I was thinking about how this is my 4th IF cycle, and how the first time I got pregnant it was on my 4th cycle of naturally trying. Also, it's February so even number...you know I like that. I have my consult with Dr. S next Wednesday on the 24th, and I'm very interested to hear what he has to say. And I'm going to schedule my blood test for the following Wednesday, the day I leave for Florida (Fort Myers). So if it's good news, I'll be celebrating in sunny FL. And if it's bad news, I'll be taking serious advantage of those two for one happy hour specials. And will probably be doing some pretty hard core day drinking poolside, yah so basically I plan to be drunk for 5 days straight. I swear I'm not an alcoholic...pretty much that means 1 bloody mary and I'll be passed out in my chair, I'm a lightweight as is and the tww has only lessened my tolerance so luckily it doesn't take much for me!

So that's my plan, and we'll see how things play out! And I promise my next post will be something fun and not so debbish, maybe I'll post pics from NYC so you can get a sneak preview of fall fashion!!!

Triggering Tonight!!!

2010-02-17T15:51:00.004-06:00

So I made it back home to Chicago last night, what a long day! And yes I totally got home at 12:30pm and still managed to watch Lost (I totally heart Sawyer) AND the Bachelor (Vienna...are you kidding me Jake)! And thank goodness I made my monitoring appt this morning, cause my follies are a rockin!! I had a 18, 17, 16, 15, 12.5, and 11. I also got some additional good news that the u/s girl couldn't find the cyst...yay! My nurse just called and to my total shock I'm ready to go, triggering tonight and IUIs Thursday & Friday!

I kinda thought I'd go one more day, but I guess it makes sense since the follies still have today and probably some of tomorrow before they bust. I think I've read online that the follies don't need to get as big on injectibles as they do with clo.mid...or did I totally make that up? In any case I'm pumped, and am feeling super optimistic about this cycle. We'll see how long that lasts, but for now I'm going to enjoy this feeling of everything going super well! Here we go again!!

Things I'm Freaking About RIGHT NOW

2010-02-16T17:27:00.003-06:00

So I think we can all say based on my last post I tend to freak out prematurely. And I'm totally comfortable admitting I'm guilty of being a freak out kinda girl...it's just what I do. I'm the farthest thing from the laid back and don't really vibe well with going with the flow. I'm a planner, and when things do not go as planned I freak...plain and simple. Call it type A, call it dramatic, whatever you call it that's just me.

Right now I'm sitting in the airport in NYC waiting for my 7:00 flight. We've already been told it's not taking off until 9:45pm. I'm on standby (with about 50 other people) for the 5:00pm flight which is taking off at 7:45pm. Hubby had scheduled to take an earlier flight so he could make it home for his grad school test tonight...so I'm ALL alone. I've been here for 2 hours already, am bored out of my mind so why not blog about it, right?

Freak Out List
- What if my plane doesn't get out tonight?
- What if I have to give myself my shot tonight, in a airport bathroom no less?
- Where the hell do you sleep in an airport?
- My I.phone is almost dead and hubby took the charger. If I do get on this plane I'm not going to be able to read Breaking Dawn on my I.phone Kind.le...dam it.
- I seriously can feel my ovaries, is that from the injections? Which by the way I'm loving, piece of cake as long as I don't have to do them, and I ice until I can not feel my skin!
- I just went to the bathroom and had some high school style ewcm (Chicago bloggies you know what I'm talking about). It's cd 7 (wtf) and makes me very curious how my follies are doing, will find out at my ultrasound tomorrow...assuming I get out of here.
- Will I be too tired to watch Lost tonight when I get home, IF I get home...who am I kidding, the answer here is HELL NO...there is always time for Lost.

Phew, so you can see I'm on the edge of an enormous freak out, but haven't jumped quite yet...learned my lesson!! Crap, my flight just got bumped back again to 10:15! I swear there is some rule about how long flight crews can work in a day, and these bump backs are making me VERY nervous. Wish me luck girls and tomorrow I'm planning a major day of blog catch up!!!

Doom & Gloom - Updated

2010-02-12T12:24:00.004-06:00

I feel like that should be my new nickname, I got one positive blog post in and then BOOM, another slap in the face by frickin IF! So I went for my baseline ultrasound this am. Like every month I'm convinced I have a huge residual cyst, and tell the hubby the night before how I'm just SURE I'm feeling cysty, and I'm going to be forced to break for a month. Well today my fears came true and I have a 31mm cyst. And the sane part of my head gets that these cysts are very very common, and a month on the bench is hardly the worst thing in the world. BUT, the over-emotional, borderline crazy side that continually chants "baby now baby now baby now" can.not.take the words you're gonna have to sit this one out.

I mean it's bad enough that I'm going on 14 months of ttc, I think I deserve the chance to try EVERY month, and to retain that little bit of hope that this could be my month, only to have it crushed at the END of the month with a bfn vs. right as we're getting started? Give a girl a break, I want to frickin start stabbing my stomach with my cool new follitism pen...is that SO much to ask?!? I know I know, I need to calm down...I'm being such a brat about this, and they could still call and say it's not even producing estrogen. It's just when I told her how big this was, the nurse just gave me this look...the look that said "oh girl, I'm so going to be calling you later with bad news, and you're so going to go all crazy on me...yet again."

I'm so sorry to be all doom and gloom, but I just needed to vent! All I wanted was a little bit of good news, especially coming off the chemical...I just want the chance to cycle and get one to stick. But instead I have to spend yet another day (and possibly month) anxiously waiting for the call, that's bound to be bad news.

Okay then, well I've had my pity party and time to start thinking positive (yah right, the only thing I'm positive about is getting bad news today)...whoops, okay starting now. But I've survived far worse, so a few weeks on birth control will hardly kill me, if it even comes to that. Geez, so frickin dramatic...and I'm not even on any drugs I can blame it on. Dang it! Okay, positive thinking, positive thinking...I'm going to my zen place now. Will update this afternoon with the verdict.

I have to retract my tantrum above, my nurse called yesterday afternoon and said I have a friendly cyst (not estrogen producing) so I can cycle...hip hip!!! Obviously prematurely freaked out here, should have just waited for the call. Live and learn I guess!

My Bestie

2010-02-11T10:48:00.009-06:00

I've been meaning to write this post for awhile, cause she is now the only IRL friend that knows about my blog (aside from hubby). L and I met back in sophomore year of high school, went to UofI together, she got married 8/31/03 and I got married 8/13/05, she was my MOH, we lived down the street from each other in the city, and now are lucky enough to live down the block from each other in the suburb where we grew up!! She just had a little boy in June, who is so adorable...and hopefully I'll get ku here soon so baby B doesn't have to be my baby-sitter, hah!

I don't have a sister, but if I could pick one it would be L. I knew the minute I met her she was unlike any of my other friends, which I was totally drawn too. She is different from me in so many ways, she goes to therapy every week, she keeps her house freaky clean (I'm talking if you walked in her house there would be NO sign she has a baby), she doesn't watch tons of tv, she goes to bed at 9pm (gasp) and gets up at 6am, she ran two marathons, she doesn't subscribe to gossip mags, she goes to church on Sundays, she's a fab writer, she will strike up a conversation with a complete stranger, and biggest shocker...this girl doesn't shop (its scary the self control she has...I mean she's never even bought a pair of uggs?!?).

And then there's me, well obviously I LOVE to shop, I get every gossip/fashion magazine, we had to get an extra DRV to record all our shows, I'm so bad about keeping my house clean, I don't workout (but am great at making marathon signs and spotting you in the crowd), I'm super shy and cringe when people I don't know try to make conversation with me, I'm a math person, I go to church once a year on Christmas eve, I go to bed at 1am and try to get up 15 min. before I catch the train, I own like 4 pairs of uggs, and two pairs of ugg slippers, hah!

But the biggest similarity between L and I is we love to have fun. Silly, goofy, hilarious, pee in your pants (literally) type of fun. We once went to poms camp for 3 days and each packed about 12 pairs of underwear and went through them ALL! I laugh so much when I'm around her, and I love it. Some of my favorite memories (and please don't judge us, we were young, stupid and usually drunk in our younger days) are rolling down the sledding hill, in summer, draped in garbage bags (cause of the geese poop, duh), summers at the pool, smoking my first cigarette and then puking, playing some pretty dirty pranks in our freshman year dorms, living on diet cokes and oatmeal squares, going to Hilton Head, going to Napa, bonfires in L's backyard, basement parties at my house, taking shots of vodka in our bedrooms until our tongues were numb, tee peeing, hot tubbing, and about a million more things where you "just had to be there"!

I also love L cause she's smart, gives really good advice, she has the most clever analogies and loves to just chat!!! I can literally talk to her on the phone for hours, and I hate when days go by that I don't talk to her. It feels weird, like something is missing. And it was for these same reasons that I outed my blog to her. Blogging is super important to me, and I'm sharing things with you guys that are not always easy for me to say out loud. I wanted her to know these things too, to help her understand my struggles, and just know where my heads at on the days I seem down. Because she has been my number 1 supporter this whole time, she was the first one I called when I found out I was pregnant, and the first one I called when I was told I was miscarrying. She's been by my side this whole time, and I definitely don't tell her enough how much her support means to me and how lucky I am to have a bestie like her!

What I Know

2010-02-09T12:01:00.005-06:00

So yesterday I went to the Dr. and they confirmed my level had returned to 0. I stopped the progesterone supps and am just awaiting the arrival of my period. Assuming I'm good to cycle, I'll be moving onto injectibles this month. It's hard to believe my 3 months of clo.mid went by so fast, and even harder to believe (or maybe accept) that nothing resulted from them. I have to admit, I'm starting to really wonder what WILL be the thing to get us our BFP? Will three more cycles of injectibles fly by and it will be time for IVF? And what is it gonna take to get the frickin egg to stick? Does it mean something that we've had 1 miscarriage, and now almost 2 chemicals (my first IUI I had a teeny tiny trace of hcg in my system)? And how in the world does someone get pregnant on their own...and now their body refuses to do it again, even with the help of drugs. It seems SO ass backward to me.

But I thought to myself these are all things I don't know and more importantly can't control, so in there very uncertain world of IF...why not focus on the things I do know. I know I can get pregnant. And while being unexplained comes with a frustration of its own, I do know that nothing is really wrong with us. I know I respond well to drugs. I know that we're timing things correctly, and hubby's guys are finding my eggs, and I'm assuming fertilizing my eggs. I know that financially we have the means to keep going, even if it comes to IVF. I know that every month my family, friends, bloggers and people I don't even know are thinking and hoping for me. I know that I will not give up until I get a BFP. I know that all I can do in this moment, is wait for a new cycle to begin...and continue to hope for the best.

I'm really trying to flush out the what if questions from my mind this month (starting now), and focus and that very positive list of things we know we've got going for us. And on top of that we head to NYC on Sunday for my fall '10 buying trip for my website. So we'll actually be in NYC for V-day which is very fun. And then two days of showroom appts, viewing the fall collections. So much more fun that my day job! And we never did get around to booking that Mexico trip, let's face facts...IF makes it almost impossible to travel. The first two weeks there are two many appts to be gone, and do I really want to drink virgin margaritas and worry about lounging in a hot tub during the second two? But we did book a trip to Florida the beginning of March. My parents rent a house for a month, so hubby and I are heading down for a long weekend, to relax, golf, and try to de-thaw from Chicago winter!

In other positive news I want to send a HUGE congrats to Erin at thestateiamin who got her BFP on Friday! Check out her way too cute "omg I'm freaking cause I got a bfp" video. My goal is to follow in her now pregnant footsteps and get my BFP on IUI#4 with injections!!! So happy for you Erin!!

So close...

2010-02-05T17:20:00.002-06:00

The results are in...chemical pregnancy. My HCG was 9, progesterone 7 so the nurse said its most likely on its way down. I go back on Monday to confirm that I'm definitely not pregnant...big sigh. Trying to look at it as we're getting closer, one of these times it has got to stick right? Maybe injectibles will be the thing that gets this done once and for all!

Thank you so much for the prayers, thoughts, and good vibes...I literally felt them coming through my computer and it so helped keep my spirits up!

Tomorrow

2010-02-04T10:51:00.005-06:00

Tomorrow I'll know.

Tomorrow there will be tears.

Tomorrow could change everything.

Tomorrow is a new beginning.

Tomorrow can not come fast enough.

Tomorrow I will remind myself how lucky I am no matter what.

10 dpo - Slipping

2010-02-02T09:22:00.002-06:00

So here I am again at 10dpo...and I'm trying so hard to remain positive, but I can feel myself slipping. What is it about 10dpo, it feels like I'm being slammed against a wall or something. I want to believe this is my month, I want to keep the hope alive...but I feel like my body is doing everything possible to shatter my hopes. And while I'm trying my best not to over analyze these things, its impossible to ignore them completely, and its impossible to keep the thoughts that follow out of my head. The questions like can I handle another BFN, am I strong enough to keep going, am I really on the verge of injectibles, and how did we even get here?

It's weird in some ways it feels like the last year was a blur, but then I think of everything we went through and how in one year SO much has changed for us. However, I do believe the worst is behind us...sure sure, injectibles do not sound like fun, and we all know IVF is NO walk in the park. And although we don't technically don't have an answer as to why this is happening, we do have a plan that I believe will get us pregnant. Every cycle we're getting a month closer to that BFP, and there will be a light at the end of this very dark and overly long tunnel. I just know there is.

In other news I started taking progesterone supplements last night. My progesterone on Friday came back at 13.1 (my lowest to date), and my nurse told me they like 15 but anything over 10 is okay, so come back in a week for my beta. Well, my first month I was at 18, and she told me they like it to be above 15. So doesn't it seem like she's bending the rules here? If you told me 15 is where you want it to be, then why this month is 10 okay? When I pushed my nurse on this she told me my Dr. didn't believe in progesterone supplements until a positive beta.

Over the weekend this just wasn't sitting well with me, so I called back yesterday and asked for the supps. She said that was no problem and they certainly couldn't hurt anything, but may delay the start of my next cycle. I'm thinking, hello lady...let's focus on the big picture here. I've been dealing with this for over a year...you really think two days is going to burst my bubble?!? And how about we focus on how they will help me get a bfp instead of how they'll effect my next af. Geez!!! So that's all I got, three more days and I'll know!

My 1st Ever Blog Award!!!

2010-01-30T15:37:00.005-06:00

So a HUGE thank you to BrownIris for giving me the Beautiful Blogger award! It totally made my day yesterday when I saw your comment! BrownIris and I have very similar stories, so I'm so so happy I found her blog! And these little things just remind me once again how frickin cool it is to be part of this community, love it!!

So the rules of this award are as follows:

Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
Copy the award and place it in your blog.
Link the person who nominated you for this award.
Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
Nominate 7 bloggers.
Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

7 Interesting Things About Me

I started and run the website www.basicboutique.com, however my day job is in corporate finance....bor-ing.
When I was in 5th grade I met Jason Priestly, Ian Ziering, and David Austin Greene. They were staying next door to us in Galena (of all places)!?! I have tons of pics to prove it...AND I'm wearing my sweet ass hypercolor t-shirt tucked into jeans!!!
I could eat a million oreo cookies, double stuffed preferably!
I met my husband in a bar at UofI, he had posed in my sorority's charity "men of UofI" calendar...and was BOMBED and went up to him and said "hey calendar boy" and then kissed him. We had never met previous to this!
I love to travel, especially places where the water is that gorgeous crystal blue...dream vacay, Bora Bora hands down.
I love any movie with an abnormally large freaky animal...Jurassic Park, Lake Placid (monster croc), Deep Blue Sea (crazy big shark), King Kong, most alien movies qualify and LOVED Avatar.
I'm obsessed with Friends & Sex & the City...never get sick of watching the reruns, BUT I do own every season of each just in case they ever stop airing!!

Seven Bloggers I Give This Award To

Littlest True Blue

TTC Hopeful

Such A Good Egg

The State That I Am In

A + B Waiting for C

From IF to When

Steps To Baby

I'm so lucky to have found you and your blogs, thank you for sharing your journeys with me!

The Bright Side

2010-01-29T11:41:00.002-06:00

6 dpo and I'm cruising right along, I'm really feeling good this tww. Now, yes we all know the first week is a breeze compared to the second...so we still have to see who will really win this fight. But for now I'm staying positive, and looking on the bright side of things.

It's frickin COLD in Chicago, but the sun is shining which makes such a difference!

Went to Potbelly's to pickup lunch, splurged on an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie...YUM.

It's Friday, and the weekend has arrived! Hubby and I are sneaking out of work early and heading to half-priced happy hour (only half-price apps for me) at one of our fav restaurants!

It's the dead of winter, BUT January is almost over. Hip Hip. By far the worst month of the year in my opinion. And I think great things are coming in February!!! Plus February is an even number, so its bound to be better to me than January.

I really really really want this to be my cycle, but I talked to my nurse yesterday and I'm all set to start injections next month IF I the the big BFN. Something about jumping into a new treatment (as scary as that should sound) gives me a new sense of hope!

I also made an appt with Dr. S for February, so if I'm still cycling we can have the old "hey remember me from October, yeah, well I'm still not preggers...so fix it" talk. His next open date...2/24 (hello, my favorite number)!

I have an inch and half of dark brown roots (which looks especially bad with my dead of winter pale skin), but I'm getting highlights next Tuesday and will be blond again!

I have not googled ANYTHING yet, and have survived just fine without it!!! Screw you google.

Most importantly, I'm halfway done with the tww. I went in for progesterone this morning and will update with my number this afternoon. After last cycle's 30 I do realize this number means absolutely nothing in terms of pregnancy...BUT it's always nice to know you had a good healthy ovulation. One less thing to worry about.

B&B

2010-01-28T10:57:00.010-06:00

Otherwise knows as Beau & Bella, or BoBo and BooBoo, or the killer yorkies. Yup, that's right...don't let these pics fool you, these adorable little puppies are downright vicious at times. My baby girl Bella actually killed a teeny tiny bird that had fallen from its nest and made the mistake of wandering into our yard, I still can't get the image of her pouncing on it out of my mind. And then there is Beau, who literally tried kill my best friend's baby when she was at my house, okay...in Beau's defense kill is probably a strong word. I think he more wanted to play with him (and by play I mean chew on him like a squeaky toy), and showed his excitement by jumping 5 feet into the air and ripping off both of little Barrett's socks while I was holding him!!!

In any case, as crazy as these two are I love them to death. Beau is our little boy and totally shows emotion like a human. He is also massive, like 17 lbs so we're convinced he's not a pure yorkie! He's 6 months older than Bella is toally the big brother, he's super protective of her. And Bella is our "special" puppy. She doesn't whip around when you call her name like most dogs do, she never wags her tail...unless she happens to be laying on one of Beau's many toys and he of course only wants that one (i told you she was evil), and the funny thing is Bella has never even squeaked a toy her life, she just doesn't get them!?! What dog doesn't like toys???

And they love each other, they make out all the time...which is really just a case of Bella having stinky breath...and Beau is literally cool with eating shit (so gross I know) so why not lick the inside of Bella's mouth for 10 min straight??? It's seriously the funniest thing, and I'm pretty sure if I uploaded a video of this to YouTube, the Today Show would call and want to interview me about my incestuous pups, haha!!! In any case, here some pics of my crazy babies!

Baby Beau

Baby Bella

Best Buds

Ahhh...could this face be any cuter?

Just chillin

Favorite spot

A Few Things About Me

2010-01-26T11:16:00.002-06:00

So in efforts to stay sane, ahem I mean positive, during my two week wait I'm going try my very best to not over analyze or fret about all those annoying little things I'm going to start feeling very soon. I may have been a sucker in the past, and rushed to the computer to google every minor thing I felt, when in reality a random twinge at 6dpo (or whatever) could be just that. Can we say breakthrough here?!? So not this time tww, my new found positive attitude is going to keep me away from google! I know I know, that's a pretty bold statement but I'm determined. You are my witnesses, and I'm vowing to NOT google anything ttc related at all!!! So take that google.

And so going along with my new tww mantra I thought a random blog would be fitting. Here are a few things about me, my favs, likes, dislikes, I guess we'll just see where this goes:

My favorite number is 24 - my birthday is 10/24, I found out I was preggers on 4/24, I just had my 3rd IUI on 1/24. I really like even numbers (check), and hello there is a TV show named after it, which I happen to love (isn't this season good so far)!
I LOVE to cook - I'm obsessed with Rachael Ray recipes...however RR actually bugs the crap out of me. But what can I say 30 min. meals is right up my alley, and she happens to love the same foods as me, garlic, onion, mexican, hot sauce. I just tried this recipe and it was SOO yummy and had tons of leftovers... I highly recommend!
Frank's Red Hot - since we're on the topic of food (I'm eating my lunch right now, hah) I have to give a shout out to this hot sauce. Hubby and I literally could drink this stuff, when it goes on sale at Costco I buy like 6 super size bottles cause we go through it so fast. And I'm pretty sure there isn't anything that doesn't taste good with hot sauce!!!
Love stories - I am SUCH a sucker for a love story and truly believe that "all you need is love." My parents tend to be much more business partnership with their marriage, and I've rarely ever seen them act affectionately towards each other. I think this instilled something in me when I was younger that I was looking for one thing when it came to love...to quote Carrie from my all time favorite show SATC "I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love." I was lucky enough to find just that. And to this day I can watch movies like the notebook, ps I love you, etc over and over (and have...usually while bawling my eyes out and a glass of wine). I love how love itself can take so many forms, and how you can't define it, but instead feel it and show it in different ways. The idea of falling in love is just such a cool concept to me!
Music - I LOOOVE music, and I'm not a musical person at all (although I did dance in high school)...but a good song can totally move me. I also have every musical downloaded in my iphone...my all time fav is Rent and I've seen it like 7 times!! I'm SO that person you see when your stopped at a red light and the person next to you is so obviously singing their heart out to the radio. And trust me when I say I know I don't have a good voice, but I love to belt it out!! If I hear a song on a tv show, movie...I always make a mental note to go get it on itunes. I have 25 different playlists on my iphone, songs for work, songs for driving, ultimate dance, love songs, etc, etc! Right now the song "I Will Show You Love" by Kendall Payne (grey's anatomy pick up) is on repeat in my car...I seriously think this should be the IF theme song. *Okay I was just typing the point below and this song came up on my iphone, no joke...FREAKY!!!
TV - Not sure if you noticed but there pretty much isn't a show I don't watch. Hubby and I love tv, and my best friend always wonders how I actually have enough time in the day to keep up with my tivo schedule...well I'll let you in on a little secret...I do not sleep! I just don't need much sleep, never have. I've also done a great job of training hubby, although sometimes I have kick him in the ribs when he starts to snooze on the couch, my friends seem to think this is cruel...but I'm just doing whats best for him, cause I know he does NOT want to miss the last 15 min. of real housewives!!! hah. AND 6 more days until Lost, my absolute favorite show!!!
Twilight - Aaaahhh, Edward Cullen is so dreamy!!! hah, but seriously he's frickin hot and because of my love for him I'm now obsessed with twilight...books and movies. It started when we rented Twilight, cause of all the hype...and then my friends swore if I liked the movie I would LOVE the books. My problem was I don't read books, unless I'm on vacation...I get super carsick so I can't ever read in the car or on the train...it sucks, but even flipping through a magazine makes me nauseous! BUT, I've discovered Kindle for Iphone, and I can download the Twilight books there for $5. And guess what, when I'm bored at work (and am not blogging, or reading blogs), I turn into the corner of my cube and read away!! Don't tell my boss...heheh! Right now I'm on Eclipse and its SO good.

IUI #3

2010-01-24T18:31:00.002-06:00

Sunday night...ahh, how does it always come so fast!?! The majority of my weekend was filled with all things baby making. Friday after work I headed to acupuncture, then IUI Saturday, IUI Sunday, and then more acupuncture Sunday! The nurse called on Friday afternoon, and before I could even ask told me to come in both days. Hubby's numbers were great, 86 million with 84% motile...and then 36 million, 97% motile. You would think with over 100 million of hubby's guys floating around inside of me we could get this baby made already!! I'm thinking MAYBE I ovulated this am, as I had some pinching pain on my left side (the one with two follies). So overall I'm very happy with the timing, my follies, and the double IUIs this cycle.

So now as I enter the tww, I'm going to try super super hard to just stay positive. I'm talking almost to the point of just assuming I'm pregnant. I'm over the whole if I get my hopes up and assume I'm preggers, I'll jinx it and definitely won't be kind of mentality. Or if I want it too badly, it will just never happen. Let's face it, everyone who is trying to have a baby gets their hopes up and wants to be pregnant at the end of these two weeks, and lots of those people really do get pregnant. So why not get my hopes up, why not just assume the best possible outcome is in store for me, why not think this could really be my month. I'm kinda thinking I'm due here. And who am I kidding, I really really want this!!

ICLW & Monitoring Appointment

2010-01-22T08:17:00.004-06:00

So this is my first ICLW so welcome to any new visitors! The good news is you haven't missed much, I just recently started my blog after my first IUI went bust. I actually hate all things writing (i've always been a math person) so my hubby was super shocked when I showed him my first post...BUT, starting this blog has been such a positive experience for me! I can't tell you much I've loved connecting with people on all sorts of paths to our common goal of getting pregnant! The women in this little blogging community are honestly amazing for so many reasons, and I feel lucky to be a part of it.

To give you a little history, we started trying last January. We actually got pregnant on our own in April, but miscarried two weeks later. I always thought getting pregnant would be the hard part, but turns out for me its getting pregnant AGAIN that is causing us trouble! I assumed I'd get pregnant shortly after the miscarriage (cause it seems like this is true for lots of people), so after a few months I convinced my dr. to run some more tests and hubby's morphology came back border line which was our ticket to the RE. We're currently on IUI #3 with 100mg clo.mid, and I'm praying this will BE MY MONTH!!!

Now to the good stuff!!! I had my monitoring appt this morning, I'm only CD11 so its technically a day early. But last cycle I learned they don't do monitoring over the weekend at my clinic, of course this was after they told me to come in the Monday after the weekend, which was CD14 and low and behold my leading follie was 29mm which the nurse informed was apparently overripe. So this cycle I learned my lesson and decided to error on the side of being too early rather than too late.

So the good news is I am ready to go!!! I had three follies she measured, two on the left at 20.5 and 18.5, and one on the right at 13. She said the 13 was probably too small...but I'm going to be optimistic and not count it out completely. Plus my follies seem to be freaky fast growers! My lining was 10.9 which is also awesome considering this is my 3rd month on clo.mid. All in all a great monitoring appt, and now I just wait for the call from nurse with my estrogen levels and about triggering tonight and going in for the IUI this weekend.

Now my question for all of you, my dr. has me trigger in the night between 6 and 10pm. BUT he has me come in the next morning for the IUI, and that's the only one I do. I've read about so many people going in the following day (so that would be Sunday instead of Saturday) so they can time it 36 hours from the trigger shot. So I guess I have to assume my Dr. knows what he's doing, but I can't help but think are we jumping the gun here? Of course hubby and bd like crazy after an IUI, but my thoughts are a) its the weekend so its super easy to get in back to back IUIs b) I know its only suppose to increase your odds by like 6%...but who am I to give up even 1% and c) I'm on IUI#3 here...maybe its time to take it up a notch?? The only downside I can think of is using up a tiny portion of my insurance (I have a yearly max), on a procedure that doesn't increase my odds very much. I'm fairly certain my nurse will let me do it, so would you do back to back? And if you do back to back, would you bd Saturday night or just hold off until the next IUI?

Blame it on the Clomid

2010-01-20T09:42:00.005-06:00

So I've been feeling super emotional the last few days, and I think we all know who (or what) i'm going to blame here! I really didn't notice a change on 50mg, and maybe its all in my head but this week I've just been so all over the place. It also didn't help that in the last couple days two different people made a point to ask when I was having babies. Lady #1 (aka my fav waitress at the local bar/restaurant we ALWAYS go) hit me up over the weekend. She just had a baby and was showing us pics on her phone....when she stopped dead sentence and was like "The real question here is when are you going to have a baby". Grrrrr.

Or as lady #2 (aka my mom's friend) pointed out... I think its time for you to have a baby. Hah, it's like what a novel concept...like the thought never occurred to me that I could actually have a child with the husband I've been married to for 4.5 years?!? I guess I should get home and get on that stat! Thank you my mom's friend that I bumped into at the store, who I barely even know, thank you. I do understand these women have no idea what I've been going through, and to them it's just an innocent little comment...small talk really. But it makes me thankful that one positive to dealing with IF, is a sense of awareness that I might not have had otherwise. And down the road as much as I may want to ask a friend when they're going to have a baby...I'll remember to bite my tongue, because you just never know what's going on behind closed doors! Until they decide to let me in, what business is it of mine...and I SO never want to be the person someone has to blog about dealing with...hah!

Then yesterday I had an appointment with my internist. She asked me what's new, and so I told her we were trying to have a baby....and before I could finish she started with, oh congrats that is so exciting!! It's like hold up lady...I'm just getting started here. And so I told her we got pregnant, had a miscarriage, now can't get pregnant, fertility treatments...blah, blah, you know the story. My voice of course started shaking, and I could feel my eyes tearing up...dam you clo.mid. Something about telling my story to someone who doesn't already know, watching her expression change from excitement to pity...just reminds how much I hate having to tell this story at all!!

So for now I'm just going to blame my overall mopiness on the clo.mid, and the pressure I'm feeling heading into IUI #3...ugh, can that please be the highest number I have to put behind IUI?!? And in attempts to beat the funk, I'm just going to focus on the positives until my 7am appt on Friday. Basically one more day to go until we get this show on the road, and then I promise no more whiney posts!! Positive/zenful state here I come, and in the meantime:

Went to yoga last night, which I'm totally loving. She talks a lot about squeezing out the negative energy and bringing the positive in...perfect!
It's Wednesday, and my boss is working from home which = easy day of slacking for me!
Modern family AND Giuliana & Bill are on tonight...my new favorite shows!
Bought these shoes online with leftover xmas credit! Should be arriving any day now.

Just Waiting

2010-01-18T20:47:00.003-06:00

Waiting...ugh, I HATE that word. It seems like with IF you're always waiting for something, your next u/s, your next iui, and let's not even get started on the TWW. And then once we get preggers we still have 9 more months of waiting to meet that baby we've been trying so hard to create. Ahhh, will it ever end?!? I"m seriously getting exhausted already...and I want a baby NOW!

And what kills me the most is I feel like waiting is what got me into this situation, I totally got the baby bug about 2 years before we actually started trying. But hubby and I thought what's the rush, we'll have kids for the rest of our lives...why not enjoy our time alone for a couple more years. So we waited until we moved to the burbs, waited until we had more in savings, waited until we got back from our (AMAZING) trip to Costa Rica last winter. I know I can't change the past, and I really am grateful for some amazing times with just me and hubby. I just hate feeling like I"m getting punished, when I was just trying to be responsible in the first place. Can't a girl get a break!

So for now I"m waiting for Friday to come, actually I can't wait for Friday...and praying that my 100mg clo.mid bumped out an extra follie for me. One day down, three to go...I can do it, I can do it!!!

My New Favorite Show

2010-01-14T13:08:00.005-06:00

So a few of my friends have mentioned they like the Giuliana & Bill show, mostly because a lot of its based in Chicago which is cool, but wasn't enough to hook me. Now I watched Bill on the apprentice WAY back when, and he seemed like a nice enough guy...but do I care to watch a show about how loaded is he now and how fabulous his life is? And I could never understand how he married Giuliana...she totally bugs me on E!

So a girlfriend of mine (who happens to know about our IF stuff) mentioned this season its all about how they're trying to get pregnant (i guess in real life they're been trying for 7 months and nothing) and are finally seeking out help. This of course sparked my interest and I set my tivo for last night. And let me tell you, I LOVED it! I mean she still pretty much bugs the crap out of me, but I have to admit...they are super cute together. Especially with the baby stuff, you could just totally relate...hubby and I were literally cracking up. In one scene Giuliana told the dr. how Bill calls her "old eggs", and Bills face was priceless right before the dr. gave him his SA #'s. You maybe had to see it, but trust me it was hilarious!

Anyways, I just really respect the fact that Giuliana & Bill are putting it out there. My girlfriend told me in the "what to expect this season" highlights Bill was giving Giuliana shots...so I'm very intrigued to see where this goes for them. It just seems like so many celebrities, who are like 40+, pop out twins one day...and they're like what, it's easy to get pregnant. Yah, easy when you have tons of cash to spend on treatments...and get a free pass straight to the fertility clinic because they don't have time to spend months trying to get preggers the old fashioned way. Ugh! Anyways, I highly recommend this show...even hubby liked it. It's on 8 on Weds. on the style network! Check it out!

Your Last Warning

2010-01-13T15:51:00.004-06:00

So I just got the call from my nurse that I'm good to go for IUI #3! She confirmed this would be our last Clo.mid cycle before moving to combination next month (clo.mid + injectibles). I asked her since this would be our last try would it make sense to up the dosage to 100mg and to my dismay she was basically like sure...I'll call the pharmacy and change your dosage. I was so prepared to have to convince her to push the dr, so that seemed way too easy! Maybe my luck is turning around! I go in next Friday for my monitoring appt (YAY) which will be CD11. I seem to have no problem growing follies and if anything they grow too fast, so I'm hoping at CD11 they'll be nice and ripe. And this month my goal is 3 follies for my 3rd IUI!!!

Now that we're ready to go AGAIN, I have one final warning for this slacker body of mine:

Please please please can you TRY to remember what you did back in April, I know you know how to get pregnant...and it made me so unbelievably happy! I know you can do this...I'm willing you to do it again. I've been VERY patient with you, but now its getting serious. You may think popping a pill for 5 days is no big deal...BUT at this point I am not afraid to stab you repeatedly with needles until you bust out the follies that are going to get me preggers. Yah, does the term "trigger shot" ring a bell...yah, that one hurts doesn't it?? Well, its only going to get worse. And this is where we're headed if you don't cooperate with me here. I NEED you to work with me, and I promise to be good to you back, do yoga (which i loved), acupuncture, drink LOTS of water, and eat TONS of brazil nuts (which by the way you TOTALLY let me down this month you disgusting nuts), whatever it takes. I'm on your team here so let's take care of business this 3rd round. Just please...make 3 my lucky number, or you will be sorry. Consider yourself warned!!!

Game Over

2010-01-12T10:23:00.006-06:00

My period arrived, and I really can't complain because it did exactly what I asked and showed right when I woke up this am, so at least I didn't waste my time going in for the beta. I'm honestly relieved the cycle is over, the last few days have been just torturous...especially after the negative test. I knew deep down this wasn't our month. I was ready to look forward, as this was by far my hardest cycle to date. I do have to say I'm loving the blogging and it totally helps the month go by...writing, reading, commenting, etc. So thanks for all the good thoughts and words of wisdom...SO appreciate them!

And since I got out most of my tears this weekend, I'm forcing myself into a positive place (well more like forcefully shoving)...but that's where I'm headed whether I like it not. And I have a few goals of how I'm going to stay positive this month, totally stealing this idea...but I loved her post so here goes:

Book a vacay - Hubby and I decided if this cycle was a bust first thing we would do was get out of town. We need a break, not from cycling (would obviously plan around my iui) but just from life in general. Today I plan to spend my day seaching for last minute and cheap vacay packages. I'm thinking along the lines of Cabo or Mexican Riveria, basically anything sounds good right now compared to insanely cold Chicago!
Start yoga - I've done Yoga in the past and love it...and hate it. I am the MOST unflexible person in the world, i'm talking can barely touch my toes. So I'm preparing myself for it to be super painful at first, but I signed up for a super cheap class at the park district that starts tonight. Which is perfect cause hubby is at grad school on Tuesdays!
Lose the tampons - After reading Jane's post and researching a little more I decided I'm going to give this a try as well. I really only have 1 heavy day, and on clomid my period trickles out by CD5 so shouldn't be too unbearable.
Cycle timing - Now that I know my Dr.'s office doesn't monitor on the weekends, I'm going to demand to go in on Friday which will be CD11. It's a day earlier, but no way am I waiting until Monday to find out any of my follies are overripe, oh no...not this time! I'm going to trigger those dang follies when they're perfectly ripe!
Clomid Dosage - Assuming this will be last month on clomid (dr. had originally said 3-4 months of clomid & iui's before moving onto injectibles...and my thoughts are three strikes and your out, if this month doesn't work I'm going to insist we take it to the next level) I'm wondering if I should ask my nurse to up my clomid dosage. Yes, technically I am responding to the 50mg...and did pop out 2 follies both times. BUT, I'm still not preggers...so in my opinion the 50mg is majorly slacking off here. I have a feeling they're not going to see it this way, considering they're the medical experts here and probably know best...but I figure its worth a shot. Why not go out with a bang!

So this is my plan. Now let's just hope I get the greenlight to cycle this month after my baseline tomorrow!

13dpo & Holding

2010-01-11T09:23:00.002-06:00

So I survived the weekend, and I mean literally just that. Instead of rushing by like usual, this weekend seemed to drrraaaag. And at the same time dragged me through the IF roller coaster of emotions. At times I was truly optimistic because I wasn't cramping and AF still hadn't showed, but then the cramps would resume, and the tears would start about another potentially failed IUI. Something about the 2nd one not working is hitting me much harder than the first.

Then there was the way too vivid dream I had Saturday night, where I tested positive. You know the ones where everything is so clear, and every detail is so accurate right down to the brand of pregnancy test. And the feeling of extreme happiness I experienced in that dream, well, I let it get to me. I thought this surely must be a sign, and broke down last night and tested...BFN at 12dpo. Now that can't be a good sign. I guess its better to go into my beta tomorrow with some realistic expectations.

I'm going to call shortly and make my appointment for tomorrow morning. And if this isn't my month, can I please oh please just get my period before wasting the trip to the dr. tomorrow. Last month I got my period 30 min. after my beta...now that was just cruel!

Stay tuned.

My Dark Place

2010-01-08T09:31:00.005-06:00

So today I am entering 10dpo, otherwise known as my "dark place". This is usually the day I let that panicked voice in my head that keeps asking "are you ever going to get pregnant again", really mess with my head, and any positivity I had about this month being my month flies right out the door. The period symptoms start lurking...tender boobs (so I can't even use this as a pregnancy symptom), and the cramps begin. They start with little twinges that make me wonder if I am actually feeling something down there, or its all in my head. But the twinges progress and my gut feeling that AF is around the door ends up being right.

It's such a terrible place to be, and I wish my period would just hit me like a brick wall...I truly think it would be easier. Easier than agonizing for two days about how its 99% coming any minute. And even then when it finally shows there is that huge blow of disappointment, even though I KNEW it was coming. And then when it finally does come, it breaks my heart to see my how my hubby takes it. I think since he's not experiencing the symptoms its a lot easier for him to hold out the hope this is our month, even with my constant complaining of cramping and how I know it will be over soon. He doesn't really do anything obvious, and its probably a sadness that only I would notice...but I hate it all the same.

In addition to the stress I put on myself, there is also the guilt I feel about another failed cycle. Guilt to my husband, to my mom, to my few best friends I've shared our IF struggles with. Usually its around 10dpo I start getting the "are you going to test, or any good vibes, or are you feeling any different" questions. I know they only ask because they care and want this for me almost as much as I do, and I've let them in so I'm hardly going to shut them out now. But I hate bursting their bubble of hope, and feel like i've let them all down yet again. One of my best friends who is also trying will usually call me out, tell me to come back to the light, hah! I actually appreciate it...I don't want to be in this place, it's NO fun.

So this is a pretty depressing post, huh?!? So much for staying positive, but it does help to vent about these feelings because its not something I feel like most of my friends would understand. Or maybe they would, but until you've really been there I imagine there is a different level of comprehension. So in efforts to stay out of this place, hubby and I are having a date night tonight. Dinner and a movie (Sherlock Holmes I think), and then it's the weekend! So there's something positive, I survived the week (with the help of a work at home snow day with hubby yesterday)!

As for a symptom check the twinges started happening Wednesday night, then again last night and have continued this morning. My boobs are actually not as sore as usual, which leads me to believe maybe the clo.mid will give me a longer luteal phase this cycle. I'm not currently on supplements, which I asked about and the nurse said clo.mid actually helps the back end of your cycle too so its not always necessary. Well it certainly did the trick for me this cycle! But that's all I got. Now it's just a matter of waiting, 11 dpo (tomorrow) is usually the dreaded day for me. And last cycle doesn't really help since I don't know if it was the clo.mid or the teeny tiny bit of HCG that got me to 14dpo. Either way Tuesday cannot come fast enough, and I'm praying I at least get the chance to go in for the blood test.

Progesterone Results

2010-01-05T19:39:00.002-06:00

So I went in bright and early this am for my 7dpo progesterone test. I always love going in for this blood test because it's like the final step each cycle, and now I know i'm in the home stretch. And the nurse called this afternoon and my results are 30.1! I was SO pumped to hear that number, not that it means anything besides a healthy ovulation. But at least I know if by some miracle one of hubbys guys found my egg, and it manages to implant...I know my body can sustain the pregnancy. I am trying very hard to not read anything else into that number, as last month I was only 18 at 7dpo, so that seems like a big improvement to me. I guess only time will tell!

And if pregnancy wasn't on my mind 24/7, today at work I had a co-worker ask if I was expecting?!? Now I have to note, this woman is super quirky! When a new CVS opened near our office she asked me every day for 3 weeks if I had been to the CVS, and how nice the CVS was, and how she planned to do all her xmas shopping at CVS. I mean relax lady, it's a frickin CVS! She also once told me the (way too long) story of how the father of her first child, left her for a fat toothless women, she was at the time comparing herself to Elin Woods. Like I said, quirky!

Anyways, I passed her on my way to the bathroom and she stopped me and said "can i ask you something personal"....the question "are you expecting" was the LAST thing I was prepared for. Caught completely off guard I started nervously laughing and could feel my face getting super red, and unconvincingly told her no (she probably totally thinks I am). I also made a mental note to stop wearing any empire waist tops until I was actually preggo. But NO, she wasn't saying it in regards to weight...she proceeded to tell me I looked really pale and sick, so she assumed it was morning sickness. Oh, it's not that you think I overdid it on xmas cookies this year, you're telling me I'm ugly now?!?! I mean yah I'm pale, it's frickin January and I never wear makeup to work...guess I'll be bronzing it up tomorrow! Like I said if it was any other person I would probably be offended...but instead I'm hoping my nosy little quirky coworker has the ability to read the future!!!

And totally random but I just had the most insane toe cramp...now do I google "pregnancy symptoms toe cramp" or not??? My head says NO, but my uterus says YES! Plus hubby has grad school class tonight (Tuesdays are now my least fav day of the week, and this really messes up watching Lost this season, which starts in 28 days) and doesn't get home until 10:30pm. What else am I supposed to do!?! I'm cutting myself off officially from Google tomorrow.